If You Don’t Feel These 12 Specific Things, It's Likely Not True Love
Krakenimages.com | ShutterstockLooking for that special someone is a big deal for a lot of people. With tens of millions of Americans using dating apps and websites, it's pretty clear most of us are still searching for real love, not just a distraction or someone to fill space.
Finding a relationship isn't the hardest part anymore. The harder part is knowing whether what you're in is actually love or just comfort, routine, or chemistry that fades away over time. Not everyone knows how to recognize the difference, or how to tell if love is growing in the right direction. And when certain key feelings are missing, it's often a sign that what you have isn't true love and likely won't last the way you hope it will.
If you don't feel these 12 specific things, it's likely not true love:
1. Romantic love
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We all know the feeling. We meet, we connect, and we fall in love. When we're in it, our world is turned upside down. We'd rather be with our beloved than eat, sleep, or work.
You actually feel something strong for your partner, not just comfort or familiarity. Studies show that people who are intensely in love show activity in the brain’s reward centers similar to that seen in early-stage romance, even years into a long relationship, and passion and intimacy deepens that love over time.
Being with them excites you, and you’d rather spend time with them than almost anyone else. We feel on top of the world when our love is returned, and crash to the depths if it looks like our love is threatened.
Unfortunately, couples who don't have romantic love that makes them feel like this probably won't stay together long.
2. Wanting a deep emotional connection
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When we are in love, we want to merge our bodies, minds, and spirits. You want to really know your partner and be known by them. It’s not just about attraction or fun, it’s about feeling emotionally close and connected.
But intensity isn't just about pleasure; it's about wanting to share our hearts, souls, atoms, and electrons. If you find that you don't want to find that deep connection with your partner, it's not a good sign.
3. Feeling like a team
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Life feels better when you’re facing it together. Even when things are stressful, you don’t feel alone because it feels like the two of you are on the same side.
Research shows that feeling supported by your partner can actually reduce the emotional impact of daily stress and help you feel loved even on tough days, which is exactly the kind of connection that helps us not feel alone.
When we are part of a pair, we feel the power of two and the joy of being us. We're still in the world, but the world seems like the background. We two are the center, and the world is there to support and embrace us.
When you don't have this mindset, it may indicate that you aren't truly in love.
4. A sense of inspiration and creativity
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Being with your partner makes you feel more motivated and alive. You feel encouraged to build a life, create things, or become a better version of yourself. The primal creation, the reason we are each here, is that two people came together and were launched into life.
But in a world with too many people, we also create art, music, homes, healing, and other gifts for humankind. The desire to create and unleash your inner inventor may be quelled if you aren't with the right person. That's because your inspiration is lacking.
5. Experiencing moments of disillusionment
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The honeymoon phase eventually comes to an end, and disillusionment sets in. At some point, the rose-colored glasses come off.
You notice flaws and feel disappointed at times, but you don’t immediately want to walk away because of it. Research shows this shift is normal — relationship satisfaction is often strongest at the beginning and then naturally dips as partners see each other more clearly over time.
Partners change over time. Sometimes they aren't who we thought they were, or they aren't giving us what we longed to have. We wonder if we've made a mistake and begin turning away and looking for what is missing.
Feeling disillusioned isn't necessarily a bad sign, as long as it's momentary.
6. Running into differences that challenge you
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Incompatibility is grounds for true love, believe it or not. You don’t agree on everything, and that’s okay. Those differences push you to learn, communicate, and grow instead of shutting down or giving up.
When we start feeling disillusioned with our partner, it can feel like we’re suddenly incompatible. But disillusionment often just means letting go of unrealistic expectations and realizing that differences aren’t always a bad thing.
It actually allows us to learn where our wounds have been hiding. And this is something you will experience if you're with your true love.
7. Awareness of your emotional wounds
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The relationship brings old insecurities or wounds to the surface. Instead of blaming your partner, you start recognizing what you need to work on yourself.
Research shows that early trauma and attachment experiences can shape how we relate to romantic partners and how satisfied we feel in a relationship later in life, which is why old emotional patterns often reappear when love gets real.
In looking away from our partner, we are forced to look within. We feel the pain of the trauma we all experience growing up in families that didn't adequately meet our needs, for example.
We recognize that we were hoping our partner would make us whole. We were looking for love in all the wrong places. But understanding that a relationship isn't going to heal you, and that it's a good thing to uncover wounds of the past, are signs you're truly in love.
8. Willingness to show up during hard times
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You don’t disappear when things get difficult, uncomfortable, or emotionally heavy. You’re willing to stick around and support each other through the rough stuff.
Everyone gets sick, but that's not a bad thing. In fact, sickness can be our greatest teacher, our greatest guide.
Maybe you become depressed while your partner suffers from a physical ailment. Through those struggles, we learn the lessons of illness and healing. But if you can't handle your partner in sickness, it's one of the signs you aren't in love.
9. A sense of wholeness rather than dependence
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You don’t feel like you need your partner to survive or be okay. You choose them because they add to your life, not because you feel incomplete without them.
Research shows that couples who feel a clear sense of "we" — where both partners see themselves as connected but still whole — tend to be more committed and more likely to stay together long term.
When we look for a partner to make us whole, we experience addictive love. For example, we may think or say, "I've got to have him/her or I'll die." The math is ½ x ½ = ¼. The longer we're together, the smaller we become.
When we look to our partner to help us heal and grow, we are on the path to true love. The math is 1 + 1 = Infinity. Think about whether or not your individual sums add up to a positive whole.
10. Being able to be real and honest
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You don’t feel like you have to pretend or hide parts of yourself. The relationship allows space for honesty, growth, and uncomfortable conversations.
Being real is not sweetness and light. It's passionate, painful, and creative — much like having a baby. Being real requires being part of a pair.
Self-actualization is not something we do by ourselves. If you find that there isn't room to grow and become your true self, you aren't in love like you thought you were.
11. Choosing love over fear
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All our unhappiness and illnesses are fear-based. We're afraid of losing what we have or not getting what we need. Fear still shows up, but it doesn’t run the relationship. You make choices based on trust and care instead of control, jealousy, or anxiety.
But we always have two choices: Do we feed the fear, or do we feed the love?
Whichever one we feed gets stronger. And if you choose the former, it's a good indicator that you aren't in true love.
12. Understanding that love takes ongoing effort
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Real, lasting love is something we create every minute of every day. It's the most difficult thing we do in our lives. It's also the simplest.
Research shows that couples who actively maintain their relationship — checking in with each other and working through challenges — tend to feel closer over time, which is exactly what real love looks like in action.
You know love isn’t something you arrive at and stop working on. You’re willing to grow together, adapt, and keep choosing each other over time.
But simple isn't always easy. Learning to love is the graduate school of life. Admission is free, but it will cost you everything you have. Are you ready for the journey?
Jed Diamond is a licensed psychotherapist with a Ph.D. in International Health, and a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He's the author of 17 books, and has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, the New York Times, Huffington Post, and many others.
