Adults Who Were Singled Out & Felt Unwanted As A Child Often Develop These 11 Destructive Habits
Steven Aguilar | Unsplash People develop much of their self-worth based on the messages they received in their formative years, which is why adults who were singled out or felt unwanted as children can develop destructive habits. If you were treated with kindness and acceptance, you probably learned to value yourself and believe in your abilities. If not, the opposite can be true.
Our emotional well-being is impacted by our sense of belonging. Fortunately, there are ways to change these patterns once we recognize them.
Adults who were singled out & felt unwanted as a child often develop these 11 destructive habits
1. They avoid rejection
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As human beings, we're inherently social creatures, which means we need connection with other people to survive and thrive. If you were excluded as by other kids in school, it likely lowered your self-esteem and affected the way you form attachments in adulthood.
A 2017 study titled "Causes and Consequences of Social Exclusion and Peer Rejection Among Children and Adolescents" noted that exclusion isn't always intended to cause harm, yet the psychological effects of being excluded tend to have "detrimental outcomes in terms of emotional and behavioral health."
The study explained that being excluded at a young age can shape the way people socialize in the future. Being ostracized leads to a decrease in prosocial behavior, which means that kids who are singled out tend to withdraw from further social interaction. This withdrawal is often a self-protective measure.
Being left out by your peers can make you feel unwanted and unlikeable. Seeing yourself in such a negative light reinforces the idea that no one wants to be around you. This self-destructive feedback loop can make it hard to let your guard down and let other people in, even as an adult.
If you were made to feel like you didn't fit in as a child, you probably struggle to form close relationships, due to your deep-seated fear of rejection.
2. They feel inadequate
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Being singled out doesn't only occur at school, children can also be singled out by family members in a way that affects you as an adult.
If your parents played the comparison game and judged your achievements against those of your siblings or classmates, it's highly likely that you have a low sense of self-worth. Your parents might have minimized anything you did while they celebrated or commented on others' success.
As an adult, people who felt unwanted as children often developed a loud inner critic. Feeling like they're inferior to everyone else, no matter how well they complete any given task is exhausting and well worth working to heal.
3. They avoid taking risks
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Having a fear of failure is another common response to being singled out or feeling unwanted as a child. If someone was criticized more than other kids, whether for academic performance or behavior, they may avoid taking risks as an adult.
Being the target of criticism can teach people that they can't trust themselves. It can instill perfectionist tendencies in people from a young age, as they develop the belief that they have to be flawless to avoid being picked out of the crowd.
As someone who was singled out for making mistakes, these people are now so scared of messing up that they simply won't try anything new. They hesitate to take risks in both personal and professional life, which limits growth in both areas.
4. They crave approval from others
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Another sign someone felt singled out and unwanted as a child is a near-desperate need to feel the approval of others.
Seeking external validation can be a response to receiving conditional love and affection as a child. Children thrive on unconditional love from their parents, and without it can become approval-hungry, going to unhealthy lengths to get this need met. Often, this means they put their own emotional needs aside to meet theirs.
If this resonates with you, it's possible you developed an anxious attachment style as a result of being singled out as a child. Since your parents didn't provide the love you needed to feel stable and secure, you search for it in your relationships as an adult. Fortunately, anxious attachment styles can be healed if you work on it.
5. You're an overachiever
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Being ignored by your parents causes direct harm, yet being the obsessive focus of all their attention can also negatively affect you. Adults who felt singled out in this way often form their own destructive habits.
As the golden child, your parents likely demanded excellence at all times. If you didn't meet their standards, you were subject to extreme criticism.
Because your parents held you to higher standards than the rest of the family, the immense pressure they put on you rippled out into your adult life. It's highly possible that you became an overachiever who measures your self-worth according to what you're able to accomplish. You push yourself past your limits, and the likelihood of you burning out is extremely high. You still hear your parents' voices in your head urging you to be perfect in everything you do.
Practicing self-compassion is crucial for breaking the cycle of harsh self-criticism. Dr. Kristin Neff categorizes self-compassion as containing three distinct elements: Mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.
"Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings," she explained. "Most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness."
The adult version of you doesn't have to hold yourself to the same impossible standards that you parents imposed on you in childhood. You're allowed to be kind to yourself and accept that imperfection is not only normal, it's to be expected.
6. They won't express emotions
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If your parents minimized your feelings in childhood, it's highly likely that you're dismissive of your own emotions as an adult.
Adults who felt unwanted often felt forced to avoid expressing emotions and needs, and carry that habit into adulthood. Because they weren't taught how to navigate their feelings, they often don't know where to start in talking about or processing their feelings even when they want to in adulthood.
Fortunately, emotional awareness can be developed with practice. After all, there will come a time in nearly everyone's lives when opening up, talking about feelings, and being vulnerable become key to a healthy adult relationship and those who felt singled out or unwanted in childhood deserve that love as much as anyone else.
7. They struggle with trusting others
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Maintaining severe boundaries as a form of self-protection is a sign that you were often singled out or felt unwanted as a child. Being excluded broke your sense of trust in other people, which makes it hard for you to maintain connection.
According to a scholarly article titled "The Social Psychology of Inclusion and Exclusion," being excluded "challenges people's fundamental need to belong to a social unit." Some people respond aggressively to social exclusion, while others tend to withdraw.
Developmental theory states that forming attachments is a basic human need that allows people to feel secure. The article noted that people who experience social exclusion "Lose all the psychological and material benefits associated with membership," including "social networks, social and informational support, [and] access to resources." Exclusion also lowers people's life satisfaction and their sense of having a meaningful existence.
The feeling of being rejected isn't easy to overcome. Because it negatively impacts people's ability to feel secure, they often struggle to trust others and form strong bonds.
8. They're afraid to stand up for themselves
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Avoiding confrontation and being wary of any form of conflict is a big sign someone was singled out and/or felt unwanted as a child. This may feel to them like a form of self-protection, but it often backfires.
Having a hard time standing up for yourself can negatively impact your personal and professional relationships. You might get passed over for promotions at work because you don't speak up. You might stay in unhealthy partnerships because you don't know that you deserve better treatment.
If you're not accustomed to doing so, advocating for yourself can feel uncomfortable. The more you believe in yourself and your abilities, the easier standing up for yourself becomes.
9. They can't accept praise
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Being able to accept praise requires people to have a healthy sense of themselves and believe that they deserve to be celebrated. If your childhood achievements were ignored but your mistakes were highly criticized, you might struggle to receive compliments as an adult.
People who tend to downplay the good things people say and hyper-focus on the negative things may be reflecting a culture of self-effacement. But if it extends into their personal lives or life at work, it can read as low self-esteem to others, which can hold them back. Studies even show a connection between low self-esteem and low productivity.
Accepting praise is a practice that grows easier with time, you just have to believe in your own inherent value. That doesn't mean you have to become an egomaniac, craving praise and begging for attention. It means seeking a balance where you confidently say "thank you" when someone speaks positively about you.
10. They're perfectionists
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People who were singled out or made to feel unwanted as children often develop a debilitating habit of perfectionism. Often, this goes hand-in-hand with other habits mentioned in this list, but perfectionism can be one of the most self-destructive habit for one reason: perfection is impossible to attain.
Perfectionism can develop for a child who was singled out for seemingly positive reasons, like the golden child of the family, or for the one who was scapegoated. Both are chasing a feeling of being accepted, loved and secure.
According to an informative article from the American Psychological Association, while there are different types of perfectionism, in general, perfectionism is not a healthy, adaptive trait and it is not the same as someone having high standards.
"Socially prescribed perfectionism (believing that others will value you only if you are perfect) has been associated with depression and other problems, including [ending one's life]."
11. They act superior and think they're better than others
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One of the least healthy adaptations developed by adults who were singled out or felt unwanted as a child is a superiority. Worse, when their superiority complex goes unchecked, they develop habits that make other people feel rejected or simply less-than.
Often, this develops because the child who is singled out for positive reasons (the golden child, a gifted child, etc) doesn't have a realistic idea of who they are. They only see themselves as a shallow set of accomplishments or traits that they may have been fed from a parent.
When an adult felt unwanted as a child, they may develop behaviors that seem like superiority as a way to protect themselves from the harsh criticism and rejections they experienced. It's almost as if they have convinced themselves they're better or even perfect because their childhood brain believed there were only two options: perfect or a complete failure.
Regardless of the motivation, it's easy to see how profoundly destructive it is when people believe they're better than other people.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
