Boys Who Feel Safe And Loved Are Usually Raised By Parents Who Do These 7 Things
Getty Images | UnsplashThere's a lot of talk about the "broken" state of men and boys these days. Author and advocate Mark Greene doesn't see it that way.
Men, he insists, aren't inherently morally compromised, they are products of a restrictive "Man Box" culture that limits emotional expression, relational depth, and vulnerability. This perspective shift is why Mark has become one of the most influential contemporary voices at work to reshape our cultural perception of masculinity, relationships, and emotional connection. His work sits at the intersection of men's social conditioning, relational intelligence, and the systemic habits that shape our families, workplaces, and communities.
Greene summed it up well on the Getting Open podcast, saying that "giving men a non-judgmental space to talk about our lives" and "simply sharing information about how we are creating real, lasting friendships for men," could change everything.
Mark's work speaks to men, boys, and parents: "When we parent our children, we are showing them how to create relationships." Parents are in the best position to help dismantle the Man Box for the next generation, helping boys become men who adapt to a changing society and becoming people who can thrive not just professionally, but also in meaningful relationships.
Boys who feel safe and loved are usually raised by parents who did these 7 things
Greene explains that as parents, we want our sons to have a different relationship to their emotions than what most boys are given. Often, boys are indoctrinated into a culture where crying is seen as weakness and aggression is seen as the ideal.
However, the most important lessons about parenting a son to break this cycle are to focus on emotional intelligence and mental health. These are things parents can start doing at any time, despite the kids' age. The parents who successfully raise these happy, healthy kids tend to have seven unique habits.
1. They're curious, not controlling
Boys need parents who approach challenges with a sense of curiosity. One factor that can lead to emotional unavailability in men is the approach of their parents when they were boys. Instead of challenging his opinion, ask your son questions to make a conversational switch from trying to understand or impose a rule to a place of curiosity.
Greene suggests using an open tone, with open questions. "Our children know when we're trying to extract something, when we're trying to get something for nothing." It's a very dominating system to try to extract something, even if it's perfectly well-intentioned."
2. They help their kids understand and interpret anger
Anger and fights will happen, so parents need to find productive ways to explore these emotional situations with their sons. Greene suggests that playing emotional games with anger can model healthy emotional responses. One idea is to stage a fake fight or use a fight on TV or in a movie as an example to analyse. Or, when a real fight occurs, give the fight an intensity number based on a scale.
Greene explains what he used with his son, "One is a discussion, two is a debate, three is a disagreement, four is an argument, five is a fight, and six is the worst thing possible. So, what you just saw, where would you put that one?:
Taking a simple fight and opening it up like an accordion allows you and your son to see it in more depth. This facilitates being able to step out of reactivity and into understanding so they can respond from a place of compassion. This teaches emotional intelligence and reflection to help them pause being reactive.
3. They drop the shame
Parents of boys have got to drop the shame. Dropping the shame happens when you identify where you're enforcing the man box, and get the policing of masculinity out of your relationship with the men and boys in your life.
For men nd boys to feel OK with their emotional expression, they don't need to prove their masculinity. By dropping the shame, parents make it so boys don't have to hide who they are. Parents can point out where the man box has taken effect in their sons' lives and ask where they feel the pressure to perform in ways that are not true to themselves. This helps them to recognize they can't be fully human if they cannot express, feel, and process their emotions or authentically connect with others. The same holds true for any man in your life, regardless of their age.
4. They recognize all the different ways to be a man
Parents need to help boys recognize the plurality of masculinities. Professor and researcher Judy Chu, Ph.D., says there are as many masculinities as there are men to perform them.
Greene asserts that when we have a pluralistic view of masculinity, we can find the best version that fits for the individual instead of trying to force all men into one box. This allows masculinity to be about letting yourself move fluidly through the different versions of what it means to be a man.
This benefits boys enormously. For example, if we can accept that a boy can grow into a fantastic man, regardless of whether he's the football team's quarterback, the student body president, the star of the school play, or simply a kid who loves reading comics or sketching in a sketch book, we open up many pathways for our boys to succeed. Even more importantly, they learn to accept that who they are is good — and they apply that to other boys and men, too.
This type of acceptance can quickly disassemble the Man Box entirely!
5. They see where boys and men are boxed in
Parents of boys can help identify how different men will conform to the man box culture. By identifying the performative and inauthentic expressions they may observe, parents and boys can figure out what masculinity means individually, while also protecting against being forced into the man box.
Greene describes his experience of being in the man box culture, "I tried to perform financial success, professional success, and have a good-looking girlfriend, all those narrow performances. Because I wanted to belong somehow, somewhere," Greene told host Andrea Miller. "But it's a false belonging because it's based on what I'm doing instead of who I am. Sometimes it's OK to try to fit in, but help guide your sons to find their authentic range of masculinities."
6. They imagine a better world for men and boys
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"After being trained in man box culture, that human connection and compassion and so-called female attributes, empathy, all of those kinds of ideas are inappropriate to be in a man," explains Greene.
Parents need to help dismantle this emotionally unhealthy aspect of man box culture by identifying the ways various men (or yourself) might be avoiding the trappings of man box, and by explaining how most men don't fit into it and why not fitting in the man box is great.
7. They help their kids establish their own rules for what it means to be a man
Try asking yourself (and your child!) this question: What it would look like if culture and society didn't enforce those rules, the ones that are currently holding men back. What would change?
There are no wrong answers to this question, it's just a brainstorming project to do together.
"Men can make huge changes for our children. All I have to do is self-reflect about the rules of the man box and how they showed up in the ways I created my masculine identity," Greene explains, insisting that parents can do the same for their kids, too.
"The culture of masculinity is not some monolithic set of rules that's always been the same," Greene continued. "Culture is constantly emerging and changing; it is the collective agreement we have about how to be men, and we can decide what the rules are.
Pick a thing that you just don't agree with and let go of it," Greene instructs, and just see what happens.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
