Everyone Told Me Divorce Would Hurt My Kids, But It Made Me A Better Mom In 4 Surprising Ways
Stanislav Hubkin | CanvaI know there are plenty of naysayers on divorce. No one said it was an easy choice or that it is "easy" for kids. It's a hard choice and can be tough on kids. It doesn't mean, however, that a divorce has to ruin you and your kids' lives forever. Can it temporarily and intermittently be stressful?
The answer would be yes, but like many women who chose to divorce, for a long time, I felt as if I were a terrible mom and parent for deciding, along with my ex, to split. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel for my daughter's sake until finally, there we both were, standing in the light. The relief flooded me.
You could call me a glass-half-full kind of lady, but as hard as the divorce was, it has also made me a better person, a better woman, a better future partner, and a better mother. It has pushed me to limits that I realized were not limits. Divorce placed me in the hardest of situations, and each time, I got myself out of the slippery knot a bit stronger, a bit smarter, a bit more positive, and a lot more confident.
Everyone told me divorce would hurt my kids, but it made me a better mom in 4 surprising ways:
1. I started valuing my time with my kids so much more
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Sometimes we don't realize what we have until it is gone. I always cherished the moments with my daughter, but when we started dividing her time up into sections called "His" and "Mine," I realized that those days called "Mine" were going to be so precious.
Think about it: first impressions ring long after you've had the chance to make second, third, or 50th impressions on someone. I knew that with each moment I had to share with my child, I had to make the moments count because when I hand her off to dad, she may not see me for a day or a few days.
I started to value the time. I started to see that it wasn't the hours I was clocking with my girl, but the memories I made in the time I had her. Research by Dr. Melissa Milkie at the University of Toronto found that the amount of time mattered far less than the quality of interaction for children under 12. What mattered more was how present and engaged a parent was during the time they did have together.
2. I became more confident in my parenting decisions
Operating with a very small support staff of friends and sometimes family, I had to really think for myself, unlike when I was part of a couple and had someone to confer with. I had to decide which triggers to pull or pause. From finances to health insurance and a home, everything was on my shoulders.
When you first become single again after marriage, it can be rather daunting, but over time, it becomes empowering and boosts my self-esteem. This confidence helped me feel secure in my parenting in a way I had never felt before, even when unhappily married. This has been so beneficial to me and to my best girl.
3. I'm less stressed
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Although some aspects of my life have become more stressful while operating as a single, self-sufficient woman, many have become infinitely better. I don't think people understand how a broken marriage can seep into your pores and being.
You may think your kids "don't notice" your unhappiness or stress, but they do, even if they can't name why mommy or daddy is off. Being free of a situation that was not working well for my ex, my child, or me made me less stressed and happier.
Having a happy parent is everything! Children are not meant to bear the brunt of an adult's depression. Research found that when parents are in an unhappy marriage, the conflict affects children's social and emotional health by threatening their sense of security.
Stepping away after numerous bouts of marriage counseling meant my ex and I could be free to start fresh. As hard as it is to be split amongst two homes, it's much better than living under the yoke of two sad parents.
4. I get to parent the way I want to
Dad will have his time with our girl to instill what he feels is vital to our child, and me? I will have mine, thanks to the divorce. Thanks to divorce, my daughter and I have time together without stress, in which I can pass on values to her that I find near and dear to my heart. I essentially get to be my authentic self, which I was not when married towards the end.
By being myself and showing my daughter what is precious to me, I can parent the way my heart leads without criticism. Yes, we should be on the same page or close to it, but sometimes Dad and I may not see everything the same way. Our time together as mom and daughter gives me a chance to show her who her mother is and what I value for her and her life.
Getting a divorce is not for the weak-hearted, and it certainly isn't always easy for our kids, but if we always put their interests first, they will survive and thrive after divorce! Children are resilient, and outcomes after divorce depend heavily on what parents do next.
Researchers stress that long-term problems are not inevitable for children of divorce, and that there is variation in how children fare over time based on risk reduction, protective factors, and the quality of parenting in the post-divorce environment.
And to those parents who say, "Well, you shouldn't have gotten married in the first place," or "If you really love your kids, you would stay married," you clearly are missing two very important things:
- Everyone makes mistakes. To say you shouldn't have gotten married won't help DIDDLY!
- Staying married can work for people who have certain things set in place in their marriages, but for those of us who have tried everything under the sun to make it work without any change, it is better to walk away than stay underground in the darkness of a bad marriage.
No one gets to tell you how to live your life or parent your children — minus the few basic laws and guidelines. Use your divorce as a chance to reassess and consider how you're parenting. You may find it will make you a better parent after all, as I did!
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