If You Have A Close Bond With Your Adult Kids, You Probably Have 11 Strong Traits Others Envy
niksdope | shutterstockAs a parent, it's easy to let that identity take over your life. But if you want a close bond with your adult kids, you have to allow that identity to shift and change. With nearly 20% of young adults admitting their relationship with their parents is “poor,” according to Pew Research Center studies, it's more important than ever to keep your bond strong.
The parents who successfully maintain close relationships with their grown kids are open-minded and willing to grow as people. This isn't always easy, but it's the first step in showing your kids that you respect them as uniquely valuable full-grown individuals.
If you have a close bond with your adult kids, you probably have 11 strong traits others envy
1. You're confident in who you are
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Many insecure parents actively sabotage their adult children’s success, from professional work to financial security to parenting styles, to assert their superiority and make themselves feel better about their own mistakes. According to Julie L. Hall, author of , this kind of gaslighting is a key indicator of a deeply insecure parent.
By genuinely celebrating their children’s accomplishments and making space for recognition, healthy parents can stay close to their adult children. They're self-assured in their own success as parents, so they have no need to compete with their own children for recognition or accolades.
2. You're an open, kind listener
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If you have a close bond with your adult kids, you probably continue to make a point to be a good listener. You resist interrupting and try to ask clarifying questions when you want more details.
According to Cleveland Clinic psychologist Susan Albers, resentment harms all sorts of relationships, from family to familial. Sparked as early as childhood, resentment can grow when a child doesn't feel understood, and that starts with a parent's ability to listen and truly hear their children.
Healthy parents who make a point to remain open to conversation and who are willing to listen without interrupting create a relationship where kids feel loved for who they are. This can be challenging, as good parents take every opportunity to give instructions and feedback to help their kids. But in order to be an open and kind listener, sometimes a child (or adult) just needs to be heard.
3. You are careful about offering advice
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If you've maintained a close bond with your kids into adulthood, you've probably made a habit of asking permission before offering advice to adult children. According to research, unsolicited advice often harms relationships, and parents have the hardest time resisting offering it up. After all, they love their kids and want the best for them.
While parents play a foundational role in their children’s lives early on, guiding their perception of healthy relationships with their own and offering occasional advice through transitional life changes, in adulthood, these children often need a listening ear from their parents rather than advice.
Of course, the best parents are willing to share their experiences and advice when warranted, but they ask first.
4. You're emotionally intelligent
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Parents who have close bonds with their adult kids have cultivated a high level of emotional intelligence. They've probably led by example and taught their kids these skills, too.
According to a 2012 study on the connection between family dynamics and childhood emotional awareness, emotional intelligence is defined by empathy, self-awareness. These skills enhance the ability to maintain and navigate relationships.
Parents who practice and instill these skills in their children early in life by crafting an open space for them to learn, heal, and cope with intense emotions not only set them up for future success in romantic and platonic connections, they help them feel secure at home.
As their kids grow, they know their role in their adult children’s lives, even if that means stepping back or knowing when to intervene during big life moments. They can "read the room" and their kids' needs easier, and respond appropriately.
5. You’re flexible and willing to let go
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If you have a close bond with your adult kids, it's likely you had to learn how to be flexible as your kids grew up. It's never easy, but the parents who make it work learn how to let go.
The ability to let go is one of the enviable traits parents who stay close to their adult children usually have. Not only does it protect everyone’s emotional stability but also because it safeguards the health of a future relationship without threats that build resentment.
As hard as it may feel at first, parents who have close bonds with their grown kids are willing to let go, trusting they’ve done the right thing as parents. As an added bonus, this models healthy boundaries that their kids can learn from.
6. You're a little adventurous
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If you have a close bond with your adult children, you likely probably have created a healthy distance between each other, and come together regularly in planned events. This requires a bit of an adventurous spirit, as letting your kids make their own decisions requires bravery after 18 to 22 years of making sure they're safe.
Healthy parents of adult children live their lives, too. They prioritize their own wellbeing and health, so when they come back together, as adults, friends, or supporters they their own adventures to talk about.
Finally, it helps grow your relationship with your kids when you're willing to let them lead on activities and outings. When we get older, it's easy to get stuck in a rut, hoping for a golf outing or maybe a trip to an antiques store. But adult kids may want to do something totally different, and we can maintain close bonds by giving those things a try, too.
7. You establish and respect boundaries
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Maintaining a close bond with adult kids is all about boundaries — yours and theirs.
According to therapist Dr. Rachel Glik, many adult children struggle to harbor healthy relationships with their parents because they’re unable to set healthy boundaries with them. Whether they’re about needing space or protecting their parenting style with their own children, too many parents want to tell their adult kids what to do.
However, parents who stay close with their adult kids usually have an enviable ability to respect their adult children’s boundaries, communicate questions and reservations, and set their own boundaries, too. They recognize that their children have their own lives, as do they, and their time, energy, and emotions should be equally supported and advocated for in adulthood.
8. You prioritize your own personal relationships
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According to expert life coach Ruth Schimel, a parent’s relationships with others during their child’s early years are incredibly impactful on their well-being as adults, and the quality of their connections in adulthood is equally influential. Kids get to watch their parents do "friendship things" and learn crucial lessons from observing healthy relationships between the adults in their lives.
If you have a close bond with your grown kids, you probably maintain healthy, balanced relationships with other adults. See, when healthy parents have partners or friends who emotionally support them in adulthood, adding value to their lives and “filling their cup,” they show up better for the adult children in their lives.
In addition to being a happier person, the parent doesn't need their adult child to fulfill their friendship or partnership needs, which can lead to unhealthy enmeshment, which VeryWellMind describes as "when close is too close". Instead, they can grow a mutually fulfilling parent-adult child relationship that lasts a lifetime.
9. You show up and are enthusiastic
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If you want to keep a close, trusting relationship with your adult kids, it's important to show up, even if that means a FaceTime call or a thoughtful gift or gesture on a special day. Showing up with enthusiasm shows your kids that you still think of them regularly and want them to feel loved.
According to social psychologist Fred Bryant, writing for Berkeley's Greater Good project, when we relish in celebrations and express gratitude in our daily lives, we “buffer ourselves” against the bad . This builds a resilience that protects us from future conflict, stress, and anxiety.
Even when it’s as minor as getting a card from your parents after a tough week at work, feeling appreciated, loved, and supported is profoundly impactful. That's why parents who have a close bond with adult kids do their best to show up and be enthusiastic.
10. You're a lifelong learner
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It takes work to relearn your position and role in an adult child’s life, especially if you’ve always considered them a close friend throughout their adulthood.
One key aspect of knowing your place as the parent of an adult child is to keep up with changes in society and even culture. Not only does this help you have conversational topics with them, it also sets the tone that you are willing to learn more about them, too.
If you have a close bond with your adult kids, you likely aren’t shy about adopting a lifelong learner attitude toward this. You ask questions, get curious, and have open discussions about how to better show up as parents, supporters, and friends, even during tumultuous life moments and transitions.
You're open-minded and aware of the ways society is changing and how this might affect your kids. This can be protective against off-putting behaviors like expecting that the way you succeeded when you were there age is the way they will succeed now. Gen Z says they have it harder than their parents did, and in many ways they are objectively correct.
The world is always changing, and parents who are lifelong learners know and accept this fact.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.
11. You ask a lot of questions
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This may seem obvious, but if you have a close bond with your adult kids, you've probably noticed a trend throughout all of this advice: ask your kids questions.
Not only is asking questions key to being a good listener, it also shows your kids that you find them interesting. When you ask questions about their lives, their opinions and how they're feeling, you're showing them they matter. It's proof that you make time for them and that you want to know them — not just because you're obligated to talk, but because you genuinely enjoy them.
The added bonus is that you learn so many things you never could've imagined from your kids. Parents who stay close with grown kids know that their children have lots to teach them about culture, the economy, their hobbies and so much more. This is fundamental to building trust and respect, and once you've established those two things, your kids are more likely to take your advice and ask about your life, too.
