If You Were Yelled At A Lot As A Child, You're Probably Still Dealing With 11 Painful Issues
Irina Bg | ShutterstockIf you were yelled at a lot as a child, it's likely you carry a few problems with you as an adult. See, parents are supposed to be the source of security inside of kids, so when interacting with your own parents gives you anxiety as a kid, life becomes scary.
When parents handle hard emotions with grace, it models that behavior for their kids, but it’s not easy to have balanced discussions when tensions are high. However, when children watch family fights unfold, they tend to feel helpless, which leads to the painful issues below that can follow them throughout life.
If you were yelled at a lot as a child, you're probably still dealing with 11 painful Issues
1. Lack of self-worth
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Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood have a tendency to feel unworthy. They often struggle to see themselves as deserving of love or security.
Kendall Joy, the host of “The Levitating Podcast,” points out that “when you’re yelled at a lot as a child, these can turn into micro traumas, because it’s traumatic for you as a child to get yelled at... Over time, this builds a belief system that, ‘I’m not good enough.'"
For these kids, being the focal point of their parents’ anger shaped their interpretation of the world and their perceived place within it. Nothing they did was good enough, which meant they weren’t enough, either. They integrated their parents’ criticism into their identity, coming to believe in their own inadequacy, which meant they probably deserved all the rage sent their way.
Reframing their thought patterns and talking back to their critical inner voice can help them build a sense of self-worth. Once they challenge their childhood narrative, they’ll be able to accept the undeniable human truth that we are all worthy of love.
2. Ever-present anxiety
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Living in a state of heightened anxiety is a sadly common issue faced by people who were yelled at a lot as kids. The outpouring of anger they witnessed as kids elevated their stress levels, which led to them being dysregulated on a nearly constant basis. As a result, they exist in a mode of fight, flight, or freeze, and they’re never entirely sure of what comes next. They’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.
They have a deeply ingrained sense of hyper-vigilance. They’re always anticipating the worst, which leaves them on edge, always. They have their own independent lives, but a big part of them feels like they did when they were young. They still expect to be yelled at, by their parents or anyone else.
Therapist Katherine Mazza says mindfulness can reduce anxiety by reconnecting people to the emotional landscapes they’ve been holding at a distance. “In treating anxiety, it's common to have a sense of disconnection from yourself,” she points out. “Whether it's from feeling overwhelmed or disempowered, it's a loss of self-efficacy.”
“In stillness, we uncover the real concerns and fears, and in breaking this down it becomes more manageable,” Mazza continues. Committing to a daily mindfulness ritual is a gentle yet empowering approach to managing anxiety.
“Set aside 20 minutes, twice a day, to sit quietly in stillness,” she advises. “Breathe, observe, meditate, journal,” noting that mindfulness is “a lifestyle, not a quick cure.”
“Get connected to yourself. It's when we lose touch with ourselves that the world spins out on us,” Mazza concludes.
3. Problems identifying and processing emotions
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Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood have a hard time understanding their emotions, which creates a sense of disconnect within them. They never learned how to handle big feelings, in part because their parents were incapable of emotionally regulating themselves. They passed their low emotional intelligence down to their children, which is a textbook example of how generational trauma sustains itself.
Kendall Joy also touched on the cyclical nature of emotional suppression, saying, “What’s sad is that as a kid, we don’t know nor understand that the adult inflicting this harm on us is doing so either because that is what happened to them or they’re not emotionally available for themselves or aware enough to break the cycle or care about your feelings.”
Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood never learned to name their feelings, let alone process them. In order to heal, they might have to reparent themselves, which involves giving themselves care that their parents weren’t able to provide.
Psychologist Suzanne Manser offers a technique to manage anxiety that helps people break down big emotions and observe themselves in an intentional way.
“Start by identifying the feeling, [then] identify where in your body you feel the feeling,” she advises.”Close your eyes and imagine yourself as a microscopic explorer. Imagine your microscopic self entering your body and standing in front of the identified feeling.”
“When you identify a feeling, you automatically take away some of its power,” Manser points out. “It's no longer an unseen, unknown, enormous, all-bad, overwhelming force. You can’t make an overwhelming feeling ‘go away,’ but you can lessen its intensity by making room for it. Start by naming it.”
4. Feeling 'broken' inside
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Adults who got yelled at a lot during children tend to feel flawed, like there’s something wrong with them that prevents them from being whole. The feeling of being flawed is rooted in shame, which holds people back from believing in their inherent ability to love and be loved.
Author and researcher Brené Brown defines shame as "the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.”
“I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive,” Brown explains. “In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure.”
Undoing a lifetime of feeling flawed takes commitment, yet that commitment ultimately proves that our imperfections are nothing to be ashamed of. When we own our imperfections, we claim our place in this imperfect world, which lets us love ourselves fully, the way we’re supposed to.
5. Perfectionism
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If you were yelled at when you were a kid, you might still hold the belief that if you were only perfect, you wouldn't have to feel scared or ashamed when your parents yelled. This is a heartbreaking reality, and can be a jolt when a perfectionist first realizes these origins.
While there are many different types of perfectionism, according to experts, true perfectionism is rarely a benefit. Psychologist Judith Tutin shares the riks of indulging a drive toward perfectionism, noting that “self-criticism and shame go with the territory” of perfectionism.
"You think you’re imperfect, it’s your fault because you’re not good enough, and you’re a bad person,” she explains. “You avoid situations where you might make a mistake or misstep, so you never try anything new. You don’t let anyone know when you make a mistake because it would be too shameful.”
“Loving yourself with limits is the furthest thing from unconditional,” Tutin declares. “You are more than your wins. Failure makes us human, and talking about failure allows us to get the support we need and increases our empathy toward others.”
By prioritizing self-compassion, people can release that rigid mentality and live the messy, imperfect, nourishing life they deserve.
6. Conflict avoidance
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If you spent your childhood getting yelled at, or trying to avoid getting yelled at, you are highly likely to avoid conflict.
See, the child who gets yelled at a lot often bore the brunt of their family fights, so they made the decision to move in the opposite direction. Instead of confronting issues, they turn inward. They shut down whenever they’re faced with conflict, retreating into a place no one can reach.
If you're conflict avoidant, please don't believe that you are doing it to keep the peace. After all, you probably don't feel very peaceful inside. You don't want to be yelled at, and that's understandable, but this can be a form of self-abandonment when what you need to say goes ignored.
This is especially true when someone is harming you, accidentally or on purpose). Eventually, all of this repression of emotion will become resentment.
7. Serious trust issues
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Having residual trust issues is another thing that shouldn't be a surprise when you were a kid that got yelled at a lot. Your "adaptive child" learned early on that they couldn’t rely on their primary relationship with their parents to provide comfort and security, since they were never sure when their parents’ rage would emerge.
The inconsistency in their family made them wary of trusting people, which directly impacts their ability to have healthy adult relationships.
As coach Alex Mathers points out, consistent behavior breeds trust, while being inconsistent erodes it. “Consistent people instill more trust,” he explains. “When we continually fail to follow our words with actions, people — slowly but surely — begin to lose their faith in us.”
“Keeping your word is a crucial factor in fostering solid and reliable relationships,” Mathers concludes.
Adults who were yelled at a lot during childhood never felt like they were on solid ground with their parents, leading them to develop an insecure attachment style. Because they couldn’t fully trust their parents, they struggle to trust other people in their lives, a pattern that leaves them feeling lonely.
8. Fear of emotional intimacy
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If you had to deal with a lot of yelling as a little kid, it's no surprise if you struggle to get close to people. Emotional intimacy, even people they care deeply about, can make you want to run away, as you're scared of getting hurt. Especially from someone who may get angry at you.
For people who dealt with a lot of screaming, it feels natural to shut yourself off from being vulnerable, or build walls around their heart. These barriers are meant to protect you, but they also stop you from having strong, healthy relationships.
In an article about letting your guard down, licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard outlines the reasons why allowing ourselves to be vulnerable makes our relationships with ourselves and others better. “While self-sufficiency and autonomy can help us weather the storms of life, they can also rob us of true intimacy,” she explains.
“All relationships present risks, they are risks worth taking,” Gaspard concludes. “The ultimate risk is allowing yourself to fall in love, which requires letting go of control and of the fear of being hurt or abandoned.”
9. Overachieving to exhaustion
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Society loves overachievers, whether they're children or an adults. After all, overachievers tend to want to make people happy and keep them satisfied with how things are going. That's why it's no surprised that people who were constantly being yelled at become overachievers as adults.
As kids, they equated their worth with their ability to work hard in school and receive academic accolades. After all, if they brought home straight-As, their parents wouldn’t yell at them.
They hold onto their overachieving tendencies in adulthood, since holding themselves to impossibly high standards is a hard habit to break. They still define themselves by their productivity, which puts them on a direct path to extreme burnout.
As relationship coach Jordan Gray explains, “when you reach a point of extreme burnout, you’re there because you’ve been overriding your body’s message to slow down and rest for too long.”
He shares recovery techniques, starting with taking “an actual break to reset your nervous system.” Overworking drains “your metaphorical batteries” and the only solution is doing absolutely nothing to reset and recharge.
“For the type-A overachievers out there, doing ‘nothing’ might seem like too nebulous of a concept,” he points out, offering suggestions on how to decompress and do nothing, starting with immersing yourself in nature.
Remember, healing from burnout requires you to actually heal from overachievement.
10. Problems saying 'no'
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Adults who got yelled at a lot during childhood struggle with saying "no," which makes perfect sense when you think about it. Saying "no" probably got them yelled at.
Kids who are yelled at often develop people-pleasing tendencies, since meeting their parents’ needs was a way to protect themselves from emotional harm. They learned to put other people first and push their own needs away, which makes it hard for them to set limits and honor their own time.
If you're someone who was yelled at a lot, you likely kowtow to the people around you. This behavior stems from a fear of rejection and desire for unconditional acceptance, but it's not a life sentence. You can start saying "no" in low-stakes to get practice, and remind yourself when it gets uncomfortable that you deserve the right to boundaries.
11. Reactivity and conflict-creating
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While some people who were yelled at often as little kids may avoid conflict, others may seek it out. They feel comfortable in chaos, because that feels like "home" to them. Thus, they may go out looking for chaos to bring a sense of comfort.
They may also be ever-ready for a fight, often when they need to defend someone else. They walk around looking for something going wrong so they can intervene. After all, we tend to try to recreate the issues we cannot resole as kids, once we're big enough as adults.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
