Kids Whose Parents Unfairly Criticize Them Their Whole Childhood Tend To Do These 11 Things As Adults
PeopleImages | ShutterstockThere's no such thing as perfect parenting, but parents who are highly critical of their kids tend to create long-lasting emotional damage. Whether it's holding them to impossible standards or expecting them to never make mistakes, kids whose parents unfairly criticize them their whole childhood tend to do certain things as adults. These parents sow the seeds of self-doubt in their kids' psyches, affecting them for years to come.
There's one particular method of parenting that leads kids to develop low self-esteem, which some parents engage in without consciously realizing it. They create a litany of negative psychological outcomes as their kids grow into adults, simply through their disapproval.
Kids whose parents unfairly criticize them their whole childhood tend to do these 11 things as adults
1. They're scared of failure
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People unfairly criticized as children become scared of failure as adults. If this was you, your childhood experience of being judged by your parents on your performance has followed you throughout life, and you became someone who's scared to take risks or challenge themselves.
According to relationship coach Kathy Ramsperger, parents who don't let their kids make mistakes are, in fact, making a major mistake. "Mistakes breed both success and confidence. Heavy criticism or even light helicopter parenting doesn't allow children to see what they can do well, or even how to do it," she explained.
"Overcontrolling our children, or feeling anxious about them... can lead to an anxious child who worries or a depressed child who won't try because they're afraid they'll fail," Ramsperger concluded.
Facing your fear of failure might not be easy, but you can overcome your fear by fostering a self-compassionate mindset and telling yourself that making mistakes is a universal human experience. Remember that your worth isn't equated to a perfection you can never actually achieve.
2. They tend to be people-pleasers
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Whether they dealt punishments for expressing emotions or demanded compliance, kids whose parents unfairly criticize them their whole childhood tend to do these things as adults. Now, they go above and beyond to make sure other people aren't upset with them.
If you grew up with parents like this, you tend to take care of your own needs last, and you have a hard time setting and sticking to your boundaries. Your people-pleasing behavior can negatively impact your professional and personal life as well.
You might overextend yourself on the job because you can't say "no" when your boss piles on more projects. You might experience parental burnout because you don't take any time for yourself. As therapist Patrick Teahan noted, a definitive symptom of childhood trauma is reflected in the act of "trying to get a difficult person to be good to us."
When your emotional needs aren't met as a child, your adult relationships center around trying to access the support you never received, which is what creates people-pleasing behavior. Breaking the pattern of people-pleasing takes work, yet it's work that leads to healthier connections in the long-term.
3. They suppress their emotions
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Pushing down your emotions because you don't want to seem weak or vulnerable indicates your parents were highly critical towards you. You probably learned not to show your emotions, for fear of being reprimanded. As a result, you feel disconnected from your emotions as an adult, which affects not only your relationships with others, but your relationship with yourself as well.
"For a child to grow up with a complete and solid sense of themselves, who they are, and what they're capable of, they must receive enough awareness, understanding, and acceptance of their emotions from their parents," psychologist Jonice Webb revealed.
Yet kids who were unfairly criticized weren't given the space they needed to work through their more difficult emotions, which can lead to a low sense of self-worth and low emotional intelligence as an adult.
4. They're unassertive
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Because you were unfairly criticized as a child, you likely became an adult who struggles to advocate for your own needs. You're painfully unassertive, both in the workplace and in your relationships. You have a hard time standing up for yourself, because you're scared that voicing your opinions or asking to have your needs met will lead to the kind of harsh criticism you received from your parents.
"When you grow up with childhood trauma, your self-worth is based on how others treat you. Their mistreatment seems like proof that you aren’t worthy of love, that you don’t deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, and that you don’t have anything valuable to contribute," licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin said.
Being unassertive often means that you let people take advantage of you. You don't speak up when they disregard your boundaries, which can lead to a feeling of deep-seated resentment.
5. They feel chronic shame
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Living with chronic, inexplicable shame is something that can follow a child into adulthood when they have critical parents. So, it's hard for you to feel good about yourself because your parents' love was offered in a conditional way. If you didn't meet their standards, they punished you, which led to you developing a sense of self-worth based around shame.
Unfortunately, as clinical psychologist Leigh W. Jerome explained, "Shame shatters a child’s developing sense of self, leading them to believe there are things about them that are inherently wrong and unlovable. When there is no space for a child to find unconditional acceptance of their unique being, they evaluate themselves as worthless. Then the child becomes the adult and can get stuck, ruminating on shame, and never seeing it was passed along to them as well."
6. They over-apologize
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Kids whose parents unfairly criticize them their whole childhood tend to over-apologize frequently as adults. If this sounds like you, you have a hard time believing in your own inherent worth, which makes you feel like you shouldn't take up too much space. As a result, you say that you're sorry preemptively, before anyone can accuse you of doing something wrong.
Your need to avoid potential criticism is so strong that you've developed the habit of over-apologizing. It's hard for you to sit with the feeling of doing something incorrectly. When you do make a mistake, the effects feel astronomical and overwhelming, which leads you to apologize even more.
7. They blame themselves when things go wrong
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Blaming yourself when things go wrong means you internalized your parents' highly-critical voice and turned that voice on in your own mind. Being unfairly judged as a kid made you extremely self-critical as an adult, so you always feel like you're at fault.
As Martin further explained, "If you were criticized a lot as a child, you may (unconsciously or consciously) think you deserve criticism... you start to believe it. And then, even after your parents, teachers or other critics from childhood no longer have your ear, you may find that you've taken over their job, criticizing yourself because it seems so natural, so deserved."
8. They feel like imposters
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Because your parents over-emphasized your failures and downplayed your accomplishments, as an adult you believe you don't deserve success, even though you do. It's led to you developing imposter syndrome. Receiving positive feedback often makes you feel like you're faking it and that, sooner or later, someone's going to find out who you really are.
You have a hard time accepting praise because you were conditioned by your parents to expect harsh criticism instead. Breaking free of imposter syndrome takes time and commitment, but reminding yourself that you are, in fact, worthy of success is essential to the process.
9. They attract critical romantic partners
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Kids whose parents unfairly criticize them their whole childhood tend to gravitate towards relationships that are just as toxic and critical as the relationship they had with their parents growing up. According to clinical psychologist Mary Ann Little, critical parents hurt their children's chances of finding a loving, healthy relationship as adults.
"Adult children raised with criticism and harshness are not inclined toward intimacy and affection, and can see people as a means to an end. Their potential lack of empathy in interpersonal relationships interferes with the establishment of meaningful connections, denying them the connection they have always needed," Little warned.
10. They seek external validation for the smallest things
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While some people seek validation for the sole purpose of wanting attention, when you do it, it's because the need for approval is deeply embedded in you as a result of your childhood. No matter what you do, you never feel like it's good enough, and you rely on others to reassure you that your efforts are satisfactory.
As psychiatrist Timothy Jeider explained, "Successfully going through childhood development typically imparts a solidified sense of self-worth and value." When children are given approval by their parents, it builds up the value they have towards themselves, becoming confident and not needing external sources to validate them.
11. They procrastinate
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While every normal person feels the need to procrastinate sometimes, whether it's tackling tasks at work or finishing household chores, when a person is raised by parents who unfairly criticize them their whole childhood, they carry those behaviors into adulthood. While kids who had supportive and encouraging parents don't fear failure, those who didn't have good parents are made to feel like even the smallest task is impossible to accomplish.
"If you grew up in a family where love was earned and support in short supply, you're more likely to assume that any failure reflects your flawed status as a human being, instead of a mistake or miscalculation. Your response to a setback is likely to echo what you were told growing up, including the idea that the world is divided into winners and losers and you never want to be labeled as the latter," psychology expert Peg Streep revealed.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
