Mom Explains Why She Refuses To Take Away Her Teen's Phone As Punishment For Bad Behavior & Research Backs Her Up
LightField Studios | ShutterstockMost parents have go-to punishments for when their teenager inevitably crosses the line. For most, this has to do with taking away their kids' phones. It's the perfect privilege to revoke, but not all parents are on board.
Considering teens' phones are tied to how they spend their free time and stay entertained, it feels like the ultimate consequence. But one mom is pushing back against the idea that taking her teen daughter's phone away is the best way to correct bad behavior.
One mom stopped taking her teen's phone away as punishment and noticed a real difference.
In a video posted to Instagram, a mom named Carol shared that she's completely through with taking away her teen daughter's phone as a "fast consequence." She explained that in the past, she was quick to take the phone away at the first hint of disrespect.
"You know when your teen messes up, and your first instinct is to go straight for the phone? Yeah … that used to be me," she recalled. "Disrespectful tone? Phone. Didn’t follow a rule? Phone. Endless fighting with siblings? Phone."
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Taking the phone always seemed to work in the moment, but Carol admitted she didn't feel like it was a good long-term solution. Instead, she'd end up feeling like the "worst mom in the world" because her daughter would stop communicating with her. It wasn't until Carol realized that phones aren't just distractions for teens but also how they maintain relationships that she began to change her mind about the punishment altogether.
"It’s where their friends are," she said. "Where they vent. Where they feel connected. So when I took the phone away in the heat of the moment, I wasn’t just taking away a privilege … I was cutting them off from their world right when emotions were high."
Carol learned that taking away her teen's phone didn't actually impact the behavior she was trying to change.
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She continued, "The consequence wasn’t even connected to what they did. So it didn’t really correct the behavior. It just felt unfair to them and built resentment."
So, she made a change in her parenting. Carol began using consequences that actually matched whatever it was she wanted to change about her daughter's behavior. Instead of rewarding a disrespectful tone with more of the same, she would just let her daughter know they'd speak when she could communicate more respectfully.
"If siblings can’t agree? The thing they’re fighting over is paused until they work it out (like both wanting the TV at the same time, they have to agree on turns and who goes first)," she added. "And when I do believe phone access needs to be limited, I say it ahead of time, explain the boundaries, so next time it’s not a surprise."
Carol noticed an immediate change in her family after she stopped confiscating phones. Her kids no longer displayed lots of anger. Instead, everyone was able to have "more real conversations," which benefited them all.
Experts warned parents that taking away their teens' phones could do more harm than good.
Clinical psychologist Beth Peters, PhD, explained just how detrimental confiscating phones as a consequence can be. "To adolescents, the social network and contact with friends is the paramount developmental task and focus," she said. "When you remove a teen’s lifeline to their friends, there will be a major emotional backlash, a breakdown of the parent-child relationship."
Instead of pushing a teen to open up, taking their phone away will cause them to close off. Peters continued, "They don’t try to solve their problem. They don’t talk to the parent. You’re really setting yourself up for a dishonest teen because they need that contact and will resort to sneaky behavior to get it."
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Peters emphasized that discipline that gets the job done isn't open-ended, like taking a phone away for any misbehavior, even if it had nothing to do with the phone in the first place. Even if they do make a mistake regarding their phones, she thinks using it as a teaching moment instead of angrily taking their phone is the best option. This is something Carol has come to understand.
Children get it when parents actually make the effort to connect with them rather than just yell and take things away from them. As tempting as it may be to pull the plug on a teen's access to their phone, it definitely doesn't do what parents think it will do. Trying to be a little more understanding can go a long way.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
