Narcissistic Dads Almost Always Say These 11 Phrases When They're Talking To Their Adult Kids
sebra | ShutterstockNarcissistic people are often described by their own set of traits, like selfishness, manipulativeness, and insecurity. And yet, child psychiatrist Mark Banschick argues that narcissistic fathers are identified by their kids’ experiences. For example, their adult sons can never live up to their standards, while adult daughters feel like they can never get enough attention. It’s not just behavior, though, because narcissistic dads almost always say certain phrases when they’re talking to their adult kids today that still fall in line with these themes.
It’s a terrible cycle of “push,” like shifting blame or externalizing suppressed insecurity, and “pull,” building a transactional relationship by seeking external validation and expecting kids to comfort him in times of struggle. Their entire family seems to be centered around him, his well-being, and his comfort, and when he’s not feeling them, it’s everyone’s problem.
Narcissistic dads almost always say these 11 phrases when they’re talking to their adult kids
1. ‘You’re so ungrateful’
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Narcissistic fathers, despite operating under a grandiose sense of self and aura of overconfidence, are coping with a deep-seated kind of insecurity. They desperately need external validation and praise, even from their own adult kids, otherwise they’re constantly feeling “less than” and battling their insecurity in private.
As clinical psychologist Lisa Miller explained, their self-esteem is tied to self-image, so it’s no surprise that they feel defensive when they don’t have access to people’s praise and attention all the time. It feels like a personal attack, because they believe that their needs not being met is a sign of disrespect, rather than their own selfishness and entitlement.
“You’re so ungrateful” and “After everything I did for you?” are just a few of the phrases narcissistic dads use when they don’t feel like they’re getting the attention they deserve. They guilt, blame, and shift negative energy on their own kids, all for their own selfish sake.
2. ‘You need me’
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Narcissistic people thrive when the people around them are weak, vulnerable, and completely dependent. They can essentially do whatever they want, manipulate people into meeting their needs, and center their own well-being, and not have anyone “strong enough” to push back.
Unfortunately for young kids growing up, that often means that their fathers have a stronger influence. They know your vulnerabilities and often feel a sense of control in the relationship that keeps you from being able to stand up for yourself.
However, even after their adult kids have left the house, they still try to find evidence that their adult kids “need them” still. From financial influences to blaming them for being “ungrateful,” they refuse to believe that their kids are functional without them, because that means they need to find new people to give them attention.
3. ‘You’re twisting my words’
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Narcissists see themselves as the center of the entire universe. Everything revolves around them, but more specifically, their comfort, innocence, self-image, and happiness. If their needs aren’t being met or someone’s pointing out their misbehavior, they immediately take it as a personal attack.
However, just because something is uncomfortable or difficult doesn’t mean that they’re not “deserving” of it. Their kids deserve to have the chance to hold them accountable, seek retribution, and express their needs without being completely shut down and gaslighted with a phrase like “you’re twisting my words.”
4. ‘You’ve changed’
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While most parents go out of their way to celebrate their kids and express their pride, narcissistic dads rarely give selfless kindness and appreciation. Especially if they feel challenged or personally insecure in the face of their kids’ accomplishments, they’re likely to use “you’ve changed” or “Your parents aren’t important to you anymore?” to make them feel guilty for achieving something.
While people typically perceive narcissistic mothers to be the “jealous” parents who perceive their kids as threats, according to marriage and family therapist Karyl McBride, a narcissistic father’s deep-seated insecurities can be just as damaging in these situations throughout their kids’ adult lives.
5. ‘That never happened’
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Gaslighting is a common manipulation tactic for narcissistic parents because it aims to make someone more vulnerable. By making them feel “crazy,” distorting their sense of reality, and sabotaging their confidence and security, a gaslighter protects their power and control over narratives, stories, and social interactions.
These dads almost always say phrases like “that never happened” or “you sound so crazy right now” when talking to their kids to protect their innocence. They hide from accountability at any cost, even if it means changing the story and lying to their family.
6. ‘It was just a joke’
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One of the pillar behaviors of a narcissistic person is the inability to take accountability for their actions. They’re always leading with a sense of entitlement that encourages cruelty and dismissive language toward others, but they never take responsibility for their misbehavior, especially if they’re not “getting something,” like praise, for doing it.
Even small phrases like “it was just a joke” give them a pass to avoid apologizing, at the expense of their own kids. They ridicule, make fun of, and say mean things to their kids, but they teach them to run from accountability and to always make justifications in the face of someone being hurt by refusing to apologize.
7. ‘You never listen’
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While the average father does crave more vulnerable support and conversations at home, when a narcissistic dad uses a phrase like “you never listen,” they’re not thoughtfully expressing their needs. Usually, when a narcissistic parent feels “unheard,” it’s because they’re not the center of attention or their kids are finally setting boundaries to protect their own peace.
They try to shift blame to others and cope with their own lack of attention, but it really just comes across as desperate, especially to adult kids who have their own lives, routines, and relationships now.
8. ‘You owe me’
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Transactional relationships are usually the only dynamic that narcissistic people can feed into, because they’re not expected to offer unconditional love, respect, or attention without getting something in return. And for someone who cares so much about attention, validation, and self-image, being rewarded for the bare minimum feels like one of their basic needs.
“You owe me” is often how narcissistic dads get what they want from their adult kids. They weaponize their choice to have kids, their investments, and the necessities, like food or a roof over their heads, as a way to get what they want now.
9. ‘I’m the parent here’
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Narcissistic parents, whether they’re mothers or fathers, lean into the power, control, and authority they feel when their kids are young and impressionable. They can easily manipulate them, get what they want, and alter the home to work in their favor.
However, when their kids grow up and start embracing independence and autonomy, they’re no longer “needed.” They may still cling to and try using phrases like “I’m the parent, you’re the child,” but chances are they’re not getting the response they imagine.
10. ‘You think you know everything’
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Narcissistic people are always seeking status and authority. So, when their kids are forced to become “equals” in their own autonomous adult identities, it’s no surprise that a narcissistic parent perceives them as a personal attack.
They use phrases like “you think you know everything” when talking to their adult kids, because they feel personally threatened by their lack of influence. They want to have power in the relationship, oftentimes to feel important themselves, and when they don’t have it, they resort to manipulative behaviors fueled by insecurity and a lack of internal self-worth.
11. ‘You’re embarrassing me’
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Often operating from a place of insecurity, despite the misleading grandiose sense of self and overconfident behaviors, narcissistic fathers are easily influenced by embarrassment and shame. That’s why they run from accountability, because they perceive mistakes and embarrassment as personal attacks against their fragile sense of self.
Even if their kids are simply living their authentic lives, without following in the footsteps of their parents or taking their advice, you’ll often hear a phrase like this from a narcissistic father.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
