Parents Who End Up Estranged From Their Adult Children Often Casually Do These 8 Things, Experts Say
pavel danilyuk | PexelsThe last thing any parent wants is to become estranged from their kids and end up lonely and isolated as they grow old. Yet, this has become more common as each generation places increasing importance on healthy boundaries and compassionate communication in all of their relationships.
It's a challenge to be a parent who was raised without these compassionate ideals, or who hasn't experienced a relationship dynamic where mutuality is more important than hierarchy. It's especially challenging when faced with the expression of boundaries or a call for accountability— or eventually, full estrangement from their child.
Parents who end up estranged from their adult children often casually do these things:
1. They use guilt as a manipulation tactic
Life coach LouLou Palmer goes directly to a specific action of parents who end up isolated: They use guilt to manipulate their kids into doing something. Some examples are:
- Demanding they spend holidays together
- Repeated requests to speak to a sibling you don't get along with and would like space from
- Pressure to get married and have grandchildren
- Going to college for the parents' idea of a career
2. They make their kids feel indebted to them
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Couples counselor Larry Michel has observed how parents who guilt-trip their children into staying connected, say things like, “I guess you don’t care about your family anymore,” to push their children away. Relationships that are built on obligation rather than genuine connection feel suffocating and lead adult children to limit their contact with that parent.
3. They treat their kids like they're still ten
Larry Michel adds that parents who constantly give advice when it’s not asked for, question their child’s choices, or act like they can’t handle life make their child feel untrusted. The child pulls away to prove they’re independent.
4. Parents who end up estranged are hyper-critical of their kids' choices
If a parent only points out what their child is doing wrong, whether it’s their job, clothes, or how they raise their kids, the child won’t want to be around that negativity and will visit or call less. The same is true if the child does well, but it's just never quite good enough in their parent's eyes, explains Michel.
5. They make unreasonable demands on their kids
Many people who have been raised by judgmental parents automatically try to do the same to their partner, explains marriage coach Susan Allan. However, when they force their partner to obey by making similar demands to what they recall from their parents, their partner may smile for a while and behave.
But eventually, anger begins, and the pushback can be very dangerous. Trying to control an adult partner is very different from what parents did when they were small children. Spouses who were controlled by their parents often end up with domestic violence issues and feel shocked because they are only repeating what their parents did to them.
Once they are aware of the influence of parental judgment, the judgmental parent will often be isolated from the adult child as the adult child works through past trauma.
6. They offer unsolicited opinions that sting more than they realize
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It’s a common parental behavior to question a child’s career choices, often out of love and a desire to protect them from struggle or regret, life coach Lisa Petsinis explains. Whether it’s steering them toward a more “stable” path or remarking that they should have gone to law school, these well-meaning comments can do more harm than good.
At the end of the day, those choices belong to the child. When concern feels like criticism, it doesn’t support; it alienates. Faced with repeated judgment, adult children withdraw, share less, and turn elsewhere for support. The cost isn’t just hurt feelings, but a slow and steady wedge that leaves parent and child feeling lonelier than they ever imagined.
7. Estranged parents cling to control over their kids
One of the most common parental behaviors relationship coach Ann Papayoti sees that leads to isolation from adult children is the need for control. This can sound like criticism of everything from their hairstyle to their lifestyle, or it can look like overbearing interference, such as undermining parenting decisions.
Parents would find their lives far more rewarding and full if they let go of what they believe should be and embraced their adult children for who they have become.
8. Parents who end up estranged expect lifelong obedience
Some parents cannot accept that their adult children do not owe them the same level of obedience as when they were young children, warns therapist Gloria Brame. They will order their grown kids around, poke into their personal business, issue ultimatums, fight with them, and treat them like property.
They have an unrealistic and selfish expectation that they buy all rights to the kids' lives in perpetuity. The drama and disagreements mean many people have little to no contact with their parents. For some, it's the lesser of two evils: stay and put up with verbal abuse, or go and lose your parents.
Parental behaviors always need to adapt. They must be flexible to fit the times and the knowledge gained by each new generation, and adaptable to the ever-changing world and the constant state of flux most people spend their lives trying to find balance within.
Being an adult and doing the right thing is hard enough; kids (adult or otherwise) don't need the extra struggle of figuring out if they should go no-contact with a parent. For parents of adult children, sometimes the best parenting is no parenting at all.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
