If Your Parents Never Said 'I’m Sorry' To You As A Child, It Probably Explains These 4 Things About You Today
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | CanvaParental apologies haven't always been common in families. In fact, a parent saying, "I'm sorry, I was wrong" to a child may have been considered bad parenting in previous generations. One powerful example of what happens in a non-apology family dynamic comes from the WhatintheShibal podcast, where co-host Ed Choi spoke of the time when his mom wouldn’t speak to him for three months. And for two months of that time, she also refused to make food for him, all this when he was only eight years old.
Regardless of what the infraction was, this type of parental behavior can have lasting and complicated effects on a child well into adulthood, especially if similar behavior is perpetuated. We know that parents raise children through their own lens, and sometimes that lens can be distorted and unhealthy. Other times, the lens is uplifting, loving, and supportive, while most of us have parents who fall somewhere in between.
Parenting is tough, and there’s no way parents can get everything right. Yet, it is surprising how many parents have never apologized to their children. Apologizing can be difficult, but like anything else, the more often you do it, the easier it becomes. And research has shown that the more parents appropriately apologize to their children, the healthier the relationship becomes.
Children of parents who don’t apologize tend to develop a variety of ingrained and often detrimental beliefs that are frequently carried into their adult lives. If you are a child of a parent who never apologized, there are some behaviors you could have developed that still affect you today.
If your parents never said 'I’m sorry' to you as a child, it could explain these 4 things about you today:
1. You may be ultra-sensitive to conflict
Any level of conflict automatically reminds you of the hurt and mixed emotions you felt as a child. Not knowing how people might react to your feelings or assertiveness can cause internal mental anguish. You so desperately want to keep the peace and aren’t quite sure you want to deal with the emotional uprising it could bring. Regular tension in home life has been shown by research to increase a child's emotional reactivity, and children don't get used to this type of conflict.
In these cases, you could be afraid to call someone out on their disrespectful behavior, because you fear they may dismiss your feelings, ignore you, reject you, or give you the silent treatment. You may also be unable to rest until a conflict is taken care of as soon as possible. Or you may just run away from conflict altogether.
What to do about it: Conflict is inevitable, so we need to learn how to deal with it. There are healthy ways to interact with people when conflict arises. Take a conflict management course or work with a conflict management coach until you feel more confident and settled in your abilities to resolve conflict more consistently.
Also, learn what your triggers are, how you might keep from overreacting, and improve upon your own well-being during the conflict. Having ways to assert your thoughts and feelings is all part of working through conflict more objectively.
2. You may carry deep resentment
BearFotos via Shutterstock
Not being apologized to can bring up feelings of helplessness since you haven’t been heard or acknowledged, and instead, feel invalidated. As a child, you usually couldn’t express your anger at this injustice, and even if you did, the process was probably unproductive and may have resulted in additional consequences.
Research helped explain how you learned to repress layers and layers of negative emotion over the years. Now, all it takes is one comment from your parent, and you may be off on a resentful tirade because your anger runs so deep.
If you are unable to have a productive conversation with your parent, the resentment remains and can continue to build. Feelings of being unloved, worthless, and unimportant stay in your psyche, and having a deep and loving relationship with your parent may not exist.
What to do about it: Once you realize the underneath-the-hood type of residuals from a parent who refused to apologize, you can address your anger and learn to love yourself despite what your parents think of you or how they act with you. You can limit your time with your parents, learn about anger and resentment, and work to dissolve the negative and untrue programming you acquired growing up.
3. You may have learned dissociative behavior
Since your parents were incapable, for whatever reason, of explaining the details of various conflicts, you may have learned to detach from them and from life in general. Depending on the person and situation, to avoid the emotional intensity from a lack of apologizing and the potential accompanying feelings of inadequacy, you may have started to believe reality wasn’t real, or you created a realm of escapism within reality.
In doing so, research showed that you may have detached from your emotions, even yourself, and may have difficulty understanding your identity. In these cases, a level of trauma has been reached due to the safety mechanism you’ve implemented as a coping mechanism.
What to do about it: Some behavior, like daydreaming or creating regular respite time for yourself, is healthy. Normally, though, if you’re exhibiting more significant dissociative behaviors, especially those that display traumatic flashbacks, that may present during an intense stress situation, it is recommended to see a doctor. If you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, immediately contact emergency services or one of the various crisis hotlines available in your area.
If you or someone you know suffers from suicidal urges or depression, please encourage them to get help and contact the National Suicide Hotline by dialling 988
4. You may find it difficult to trust
New Africa via Shutterstock
Due to your parents’ inability to apologize, you may feel you cannot trust anyone to take responsibility for their actions. You may feel everything is your fault, even though you know it isn’t. Having an integral family member cause such hurt can lead you not to trust them, and not trust others, as research has explained. After all, if you can’t trust a parent who is supposed to take care of you, teach you, and support you, who can you trust?
What to do about it: Realize that not everyone is your parent. There are good, well-adjusted people out there eager to make your acquaintance or develop a friendship with you. Even though your self-esteem may have been hindered by your parents’ not apologizing to you, that doesn’t mean you can’t trust others, including yourself.
Make it a point to trust others, with small things initially. Over time, you’ll learn to know who you can trust and who you can’t, based on your own limitations. Partaking in forgiveness practices can help you slowly let go of past transgressions and move on.
The pursuit of perspective with parents who never said 'I'm sorry'
After having certain experiences growing up, you know how you would behave differently from how your parents did. You learned from bad examples what you do and don’t want in relationships, which helps you make and keep friends, and develop deep, heartfelt relationships with your significant other and your children.
Take a few moments and see how your parents’ unapologetic behavior made you a better person, even if it was years in the making. There are good and bad behaviors from your parents that shaped you into the beautifully unique and talented person you are today.
Anytime you recall a detrimental childhood experience, whether a harsh word taken to heart, a lack of affection, or your parents not being there physically or emotionally, try to see how those have all impacted your life. Look at how far you’ve come despite your parents' actions and how you turned lemons into lemonade.
No matter what has happened in our childhood, sooner or later, we need to make a conscious decision to live our best lives with hope, stability, and grace. Many of our parents were never taught to apologize, couldn’t surpass the discomfort of doing so, or followed the example of their parents. Likewise, many of us have accepted our parents for who they are, flaws and all. Hopefully, our children will be able to do the same.
Pamela Aloia is a certified grief coach, intuitive/medium, and author of inspirational books. Pamela supports people through change and helps them enhance their lives and experiences via energy awareness, meditation, and mindfulness.
