Transactional Parents Who Expect To Be Repaid Do 10 Hurtful Things That Push Their Children Away
Garetsworkshop | Shutterstock Most transactional parents don't understand how their conditional love impacts their kids. Expecting to be repaid for being a parent can be so hurtful, it often pushes their children away.
To them, putting a roof over your head and food on the table was more than enough. Sadly, these parents often cannot even comprehend the idea of unconditional love, and that often reflects on their own experience in their childhood.
Transactional parents who expect to be repaid do 10 hurtful things that push their children away
1. They barter with their kids
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Growing up, your parents tended to barter with you for things parents should give their kids anyway. Maybe they said something along the lines of, "If you clean the dishes for a week, Dad won't be in a bad mood." This indicates that you were raised by transactional parents who expect you to repay them for your childhood.
On the surface, these statements might not seem problematic. After all, relationships are a give and take. But parents looking at their relationship with their child as a transactional isn't healthy, and an adult should be able to manage their mood without a child helping.
This causes a rift between child and parent because of a lack of security. Kids need to know their grown-ups are safe, solid and secure, and bartering for the "solid" aspect can cause insecurity that pushes their kids away.
2. They feel entitled to everything of their children's
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Transactional parents who expect to be repaid push their children away because they feel entitled to everything their kids achieved. If you had a parent like this, they may have looked through your personal items and said, "I bought you this, so I own it, not you." They may look at accolades you've earned and say, "You couldn't have done it without me."
This act of betrayal can sting for many reasons. According to psychotherapist and author Sean Grover L.C.S.W., a parent's lack of boundaries creates lasting trust issues in children. He adds that parents who don't give their kids the independence necessary to grow up end up creating children who are ashamed of their own needs.
Additionally, research published in the International Journal of Aging and Human Development found that betrayal trauma caused adolescents to report emotional regulation difficulties, aggression, and poor communication skills. This happens especially when they were engaged in a stressful situation with their mothers.
3. They give affection based on how their kids behave
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Transactional parents don't understand that their affection shouldn't be based on how you behave; rather, affection from a parent should be based on the unconditional love they have for their kids.
Unfortunately, transactional parents don't view it that way. In their mind, they don't believe that supposed "bad children" deserve praise. They think they shouldn't freely give affection because they don't want to reward you for bad behavior.
Research published in the Journal Of Psychology and Psychiatry determined that having a healthy parent-child relationship can greatly impact you. Researchers concluded that parent-child relationships based on positivity increased children's self-worth, which, in turn, increased their mental health.
If you grew up with parents who withheld affection when you weren't behaving as they wished you would, it's a glaring sign that their love is transactional, not unconditional like it should be.
4. They don't call older or adult kids until they need something
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When you were a child, your parents didn't engage with you much unless they really needed something or maybe if they were bored. As you can imagine, this type of transactional parenting is extremely hurtful to children, as if they expect to be repaid for creating you. It likely made you feel used, and like all you were good for was doing favors for them.
This doesn't stop when their children become adults. While grown kids don't need a lot of attention the way young ones do, if their parents only call when they need something, it becomes clear their love isn't unconditional.
Transactional parents don't view affection or basic conversation as a need. For them, if they provided you with a place to live, clothes to wear and food to eat, you should be grateful for what you have. But when they needed something in return, all of a sudden they acted like your best friend, even though they continuously ignored your needs.
As an adult, you shouldn't feel bad for rejecting your parents for their unhealthy and toxic behavior. This can be especially hard if you're a woman, as the American Sociological Association notes that "daughters provide as much elderly parent care as they can, [and] sons do as little as possible."
Remember, you don't actually owe them anything, especially if you were raised in this transactional model.
5. They only uplift their family to make themselves look good
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At family reunions or in front of their friends, transactional parents who expect to be repaid only uplift you to make themselves look good. At home, they offer nothing to motivate or inspire you, saving their falsehoods for a public setting.
It's assumed that parents who brag about their kids do so to bolster themselves through you. In their eyes, your accomplishments were the result of their hard work, not yours. If you ever pointed out that they had little involvement in your accomplishments, they would quickly sweep it all under the rug.
These self-serving parents didn't do you much of a favor growing up. They likely provided only the bare necessities, but didn't help you with your studies, nor did they help foster a level of confidence while you grew into your own skin. And no matter how hard you argued against them, in the end, they weren't open to reason.
6. They compare their kids to others to 'motivate' them
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Another big sign you had a transactional parent who expects you to repay them for your childhood is how they would compare you to others, usually as a way to light a metaphorical fire under you to motivate you to work harder. But in the process, they diminished your self-worth and confidence.
Making you feel bad about yourself in comparison to another is the opposite of unconditional love, which is something all children need. According to research from the journal Current Psychology, people felt increasingly negative about themselves when comparing themselves to people who were doing better in life. Social comparison leads to re-evaluating your quality of life, and can cause a discrepancy in your ideal self versus your real self.
One can imagine that this effect is maginified when it's a parent doing the same to their child. You deserved better, so it's no wonder you've pushed away from them.
7. They take away their children's freedoms
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As children grow up, they need to be given the freedom to explore their identities and the world around them. This separation, called individuation, is crucial to their identity development and helps them become confident and self-reliant.
Unfortunately, transactional parents tend to take away these freedoms, which can stunt their adolescent child's emotional growth.
Maybe they said something like, "You need to earn my trust" after you asked to hang out with friends. They gave excuse after excuse as to why you couldn't do certain things, whether it was attending a friend's birthday party, a sleepover, or even an extracurricular activity after school.
Taking away a child's freedom just because they had a small mishap or made a mistake can create anxiety down the road, as they struggle to come to terms with what they believe they can do, and what they have been taught to suppress.
8. They only spend time with their children as a reward
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Being raised by transactional parents who think they need to be repaid for raising you likely taught you that time spent together was a reward, not a right. Growing up, your parents probably sat you down and promised that if you got perfect grades or stuck with your chores or became the "perfect" child they wanted, they would spend quality time with you or reward you with affection.
Essentially, they bribed you, but never followed through on their promises. Maybe they made excuses as to why now wasn't a good time to be together or they simply had to work, but it likely hurt your feelings and made you feel insecure.
And even if they did keep their word, it taught you that the right to your parent's time depended on if you were perfect or not. Feeling pressured, you likely did your best to make them proud — or maybe you rebelled and never tried to succeed at all. These are both typical reactions to conditional love from parents, and you deserved better.
9. They are passive-aggressive when they don't feel adequately repaid
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When transactional parents don't get their "service" repaid in the ways they think they should, they often behave like they were wounded. They don't communicate their feelings directly, of course. Instead, they make passive-aggressive digs at their children.
If your parents were transactional like this, you probably felt you needed to always be on your toes, reading their faces or energy to make sure you know what they want and that you react accordingly. This hypervigilance is unhealthy for children and can cause serious anxiety in adults.
Passive-aggression may seem like a personality quirk, but from parent to child, it's manipulation and flat-out cruel.
10. They pour on the melodrama
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When a transactional parent isn't repaid adequately (in their mind), they push their kids away with melodrama. This is much like passive-aggression, but more direct. Instead of saying something like, "Oh, I'm fine, I'm just over here by myself because I'm not important enough to get your time" (passive aggression), they'll say something like, "You didn't show up and I know it's because I was a horrible parent and you don't really love me!"
It's more direct, yes, and maybe it's honest, but it's unhinged because transactional parents often don't know how to regulate their emotions. As one can imagine, this melodramatic communication style causes distrust between parent and child, which, when kids are young can cause serious insecurity. When kids grow up, this immaturity pushes them away.
According to expert Lea McMahon LCP, EdD, "Emotional immaturity in parents can be defined as a lack of emotional self-awareness and empathy. Simply put, these individuals place an emphasis on their own needs over their child."
Healthy, non-transactional parents are treated with respect because they respected their children. They don't need to be repaid because watching their kids grow and become adults is repayment enough.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
