Women Who Were The Eldest Daughters Growing Up Often Struggle With 11 Especially Complicated Issues As Adults
melissamn | ShutterstockWomen who were eldest daughters growing up are some of the strongest people you'll ever meet, but they also struggle with issues like resentment, commitment and even trust. This is especially true for eldest daughters who were parentified, loaded with responsibilities that normally would fall on adults.
According to psychologist Kate Esheleman PsyD, eldest daughter syndrome is a colloquial term and not a diagnosis, but having a term for it is helpful in making them feel less alone. The stressors and anxieties that follow eldest daughters aren't due to a problem with their personalities, they're a natural outcome experienced by many women who were overburdened as kids.
Women who were the eldest daughters growing up often struggle with 11 especially complicated issues as adults
1. They feel responsible for everything and everyone
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When someone is the eldest daughter growing up, they often feel responsible for everyone's needs and feelings, even as adults. This can cause them to struggle with a number of issues including perfectionism.
According to a study published in the journal Children, kids tend to copy their parents' perfectionist tendencies, if that pressure exists. Considering your parents' high expectations in this situation, it comes as no surprise that you've struggled so much. In truth, because of your parents, you've developed the mindset that things will fall apart if you don't keep them together.
Now, as an adult, you feel responsible for everything and everyone around you. And as a result, your mental and physical health often suffer.
2. They feel constant, low-level anxiety
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It's common for women who were the eldest daughters to develope perfectionist tendencies. Because of the pressure they put on themselves, it often turns into anxiety at some point.
If you can relate, it probably feels like you were expected to be perfect with zero flaws or needs, at least in your parents' eyes. You took on a majority of the responsibilities, which included becoming an adult yourself at a very young age.
A study published in the Internal Journal of Environmental Research and Health determined that parentified children tend to experience anxiety and depression. Considering that most eldest daughters are parentified from a young age, it isn't shocking that they'd have a large amount of anxiety. After all, being told (explicitly or implicitly) that your family life would fall apart if you were less than perfect would certainly leave you greatly affected.
3. They overwork to the point of exhaustion
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Often, the need to be perfect has been ingrained in eldest daughters from a very young age, causing them to overwork and push themselves to continue achieving. It's almost a habit.
After all, if you were an eldest daughter, you probably never allowed yourself to catch a break, as a child or now, in adulthood. You likely studied hard and worked even harder in your career or school, and even in the household growing up. In your mind as an eldest daughter, hard work pays off, so you did everything in your power to stay on track.
You likely don't mind pulling all-nighters or clocking in unpaid for two hours. You may also have a higher caffeine intake that you can't seem to kick. And though hard work is admirable, it's important to take a break from time to time; otherwise, you risk burnout. As a study published in PLoS One revealed, job burnout increases the risk of coronary heart disease, high cholesterol, type two diabetes, insomnia, and depression. It's just not worth it.
If you tend to overwork yourself, it's wise to stay grounded. Stand up for yourself and know your boundaries, whether that means not working extra hours at the office or finding healthy outlets like reading or exercising.
4. They struggle with reciprocal communication
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Despite the fact that eldest daughters are often big talkers, they often struggle to communicate effectively as adults while in relationships, including friendships and with family. That's because the eldest daughter growing up often has to hide her emotions to care for everyone else.
This often makes it hard to communicate what you're thinking and feeling beyond the basic emotions of "angry" and "happy" and "sad". It might even be hard for you to effectively communicate those.
But it's important to get comfortable with being vulnerable and understanding how to express yourself. A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that emotional suppression leaves negative emotions intact, while decreasing positive ones. This leads to poor social functioning, as people struggle to be vulnerable with their loved ones.
5. They care too much whether people like them
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If you're the oldest daughter in your family, you were likely taught to have good manners. This is a wonderful lesson, of course, but eldest daughters often internalize this to mean that everyone should like them.
As an eldest daughter, this ideology instills belief that speaking kindly, never making mistakes, and being outgoing are what make you worthy of love. With that in mind, it's no surprise that you'll go out of your way to help people, even if it means exhausting yourself. It may feel like you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart, but in truth, you just don't want people to think less of you.
According to Harvard-trained clinical psychologist Debbie Sorensen, PhD, people-pleasers are prone to burnout as they aren't so great at setting boundaries and being liked holds such high stakes. Because of this, eldest daughter syndrome can become serious and impact people's well-being.
6. They resent their family
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It's not easy for anyone to admit that their family may have caused more harm than good in expecting them to act like a little adult. Growing up, they're often taught that family meant everything and that to abandon your family was to risk being forever alone.
However, as eldest daughters grow older, perspectives often shift. They're no longer naive little girls; they're grown women in charge of their own destiny. Because of that, they can admit to having a build-up of resentment for family and what they put their eldest daughter through.
Often, eldest daughters need space from their families upon realizing how parentified or simply overburdened they were as kids. They need to process through their experiences and deal with resentments, and sometimes they join the rising trend of going no-contact with their parents in order to manage this.
7. They resist commitment in relationships
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If someone is struggling with eldest daughter syndrome, they may resist responsibility in romantic relationships. After so many years of needing to please others and care for younger siblings (or even their parents), these women may resist commitment or other responsibilities in their adult relationships.
According to Keith M. Bellizzi, a professor of Human Development and Family Sciences at the University of Connecticut, our brains are hardwired to protect us, creating cognitive biases that don't always lead to the most logical choices. That might mean breaking off your relationship, and explains why you may find it difficult to commit to a partner, as your brain refuses to accept change for your own safety.
8. They put others before themselves
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Many people who have eldest daughter syndrome don't know how to take care of themselves. They're so used to taking care of others that they believe the only way to be loved and accepted is by wearing themselves out. Unfortunately, this not only damages a woman's physical health, but her mental health as well.
Self-care is especially important for eldest daughters as a way to break the pattern of giving too much. A conscious choice to take a break, turn off the phone, go on vacation alone or say "no" to people who drain them can be the beginning of a new era of health and joy. Self-care isn't just about getting your nails done, experts say it's an essential building block for your emotional health.
9. They have very few friends of the same age
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Because many eldest daughters were forced to grow up too fast, facing endless responsibilities and duties, they often have very little time to meet or hang out with people their own age. They care for younger siblings or spend time with adults and simply may not know how to relate to people int heir same phase of life.
If this sounds like you, you likely also took it as a compliment when someone older than you called you wise for your age. But it also reflects how restricted your childhood was.
10. They never feel good enough
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One of the most glaring and complicated issues that faces women who were the eldest daughters growing up is their persistent fear that they aren't good enough, no matter how hard they work or how perfect they try to be.
Often, that's because they received very little praise or tenderness from their parents, and if they did, it's often because of something they did for their family rather than for themselves. Without that sort of acceptance, kids don't learn to love themselves unconditionally. After all, they learn about love form their parents, first and foremost.
As a consequence, adult eldest daughters may make reckless decisions to feel whole or good enough. Oftentimes, these decisions create toxic relationships and environments.
11. They become selfish people
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On the other end of the spectrum of reactions to being the eldest daughter growing up, some women become selfish, almost as a matter of survival. This is especially true if they were also parentified as children.
And who can blame them? Regardless of gender, parentified children have often missed out on the opportunity to be a kid and experience the innocence and carefree joy of only having to worry about yourself. When girls become young women, society often pressures them to marry young and have children themselves, which means going right back to the domestic work and care-taking they did as kids.
While we often think of people being selfish as a bad thing, but for the eldest daughters who never got a chance to think of themselves first, it can be freeing and even healing. It is important for women in this situation to be sure that this selfishness aligns with their values, and that they're not pushing people away in a manner that will make them lonely in the end.
Ultimately, once you know that some of your behaviors may be a result of being an eldest daughter, you can start making choices about what you want from your life instead of just reacting. That's when you finally regain control of your life.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
