9 Phrases People In Truly Miserable Relationships Say Pretty Much Every Day
Jona Meza | CanvaAll relationships have their ups and downs. You might share moments of joy with your partner one day, and the next, feel fed up and frustrated. It’s unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, yet there are ways to figure out if you’re stuck in a truly miserable relationship that isn’t really working.
Wanting to be together is important for any relationship, and we might think that if the desire to stay is gone, the relationship will end. Yet life is rarely that clear-cut: A study explored the barriers to leaving an unsatisfying relationship to show how shared responsibilities like financial agreements and social pressure from family and friends are just two things that can cause couples to stay together even though they're unhappy. Feeling forced to stay despite wanting out makes people utter some phrases that make it clear they're in an unhappy relationship.
Here are 9 rare phrases people in truly miserable relationships say pretty much every day:
1. 'Everything is fine'
Pretending that things are okay when they’re not can be a reflection of a troubled relationship. When someone asks if something is wrong and their partner replies, “I’m fine,” it can be an example of indirect or passive-aggressive communication.
"Denying feelings of anger is classic passive-aggressive behavior," explained relationship coach Ann Thea. "Rather than being upfront and honest when questioned about their feelings, the passive-aggressive person insists, 'I'm not mad,' even when they are seething on the inside."
Sometimes, we want our partners to know exactly what’s going on in our heads, but nobody is a mind reader. If we’re feeling bad and want support, we have to express that to have our needs met.
2. 'You're overreacting'
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If one partner tells the other their reaction to an emotional situation is, well, too emotional, it could be a sign of deep dissatisfaction in the relationship. Instead of accepting a partner’s response and holding space for them to be upset, telling them their reaction is unwarranted cuts them down and diminishes them. This phrase makes it seem as though their feelings aren’t valid and is often a form of gaslighting.
Couples counselor Larry Michel suggested, "When someone is invalidated in their pain, they don’t just get hurt. They begin to doubt their own reality. That leads to anxiety, depression, emotional shutdown, and resentment. In relationships, it’s the moment someone stops sharing and trusting you with their truth."
3. 'You're so needy'
Another example of diminishing someone’s feelings is to make them feel as though their needs don’t matter. The reality is that all humans have needs. Expressing that we want our needs met is a healthy way to navigate them. So, if one partner calls another out for something as normal as wanting affection or validation, it could be a sign they aren’t happy in the relationship, and therefore, aren’t able to give.
4. 'I can't do this anymore'
While taking space in the heat of an argument can be the right move to make, saying, “I can’t do this” in the midst of conflict can make your partner feel like you’ve got one foot out the door. Using this phrase could be framed as weaponizing the threat of leaving. Instead, saying, “I need a few minutes alone,” or “I need some time to process this” are healthier versions of expressing the need to tap out for a bit.
5. 'You don't really know me'
Judy Tiesel-Jensen, a marriage and couples counselor, revealed the one phrase she hears over and over in sessions with miserable couples: “You don’t know me at all.”
“The biggest complaint I hear from wives centers on the wife not feeling known by her husband,” Tiesel-Jensen shared. “Over time, wives begin to feel taken for granted or not valued, which then strains the fabric of their relationship.”
Feeling seen, heard, and held in a relationship is hugely important to keeping love alive. If one person feels as though the other person isn’t paying attention to them, it could make both halves of the couple very unhappy.
6. 'You always complain about the same things'
This saying is another example of having a dismissive attitude in a relationship. Instead of working to fix what’s wrong, an unhappy person will flip their negative energy back onto their partner, making them feel like they’re the problem.
Jeff Guenther, a therapist with a vibrant TikTok following, shared a healthier framing of that phrase, saying, “If your partner keeps bringing up the same thing, try to stay with it instead of dismissing it as an old complaint, and ask them what you can do or say to make sure they feel like you get it.”
7. 'This is all your fault'
Assigning blame during a disagreement can be a way to avoid taking accountability for one’s own actions. It’s also a cruel way to approach a conflict, one that lacks an understanding of emotional nuances.
Using absolutes like “always” or “never” is a sign of black-and-white thinking. It can also show that someone is unhappy in their relationship. Instead of giving their partner grace, they hold tight to absolutes, which could be a sign that they’re disregarding their partner's feelings.
8. 'It's not a big deal'
This saying is another example of dismissive language that someone might use when they’re no longer committed to the relationship they’re in. Psychologist Dr. Courtney Warren, Ph.D.,said, "This kind of behavior can sabotage relationships. It makes it very difficult to resolve conflict and understand the true perspective of your partner because nothing is directly addressed.
It’s left up to your partner to figure out how you feel and why, which they may or may not be able to do. When done consistently over time, these often unconscious avoidant behaviors will lead to relationship tension and breakups."
9. 'I'm sorry you feel that way'
Using this phrase is often a sign that someone is very unhappy in their relationship, yet refuses to take responsibility for their own behavior. It’s essentially a non-apology apology, one that functions in a way to allow the other person not to admit the role they played in hurting their partner. A study suggested a sincere apology includes admitting fault, explaining without making excuses, showing remorse, and offering to fix it.
Expecting to feel happy in your partnership a hundred percent of the time isn’t exactly realistic. Being miserable doesn’t have to last forever, yet no one should stay in a relationship that no longer fulfills them. Relationships are bound to hit roadblocks. It’s how you work through them that makes all the difference.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers relationships, pop culture analysis, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
