Emotionally Intelligent Women Who Know Their Worth Never Say These 11 Phrases That Would Make Someone Else Question Their Own
Bordovski Yauheni | shutterstockEmotionally intelligent women have an emotional superpower: they can care for their own emotions and those of others at the same time. And, because they know their worth, they don't feel threatened by someone else having needs or different emotions and opinions.
According to the APA Dictionary of Psychology, emotional intelligence "comprises four abilities: to perceive and appraise emotions accurately; to access and evoke emotions when they facilitate cognition; to comprehend emotional language and make use of emotional information; and to regulate one’s own and others’ emotions to promote growth and well-being." That's why women who know their worth will never use phrases that make other people question their own worth.
Emotionally intelligent women who know their worth never say these 11 phrases that would make someone else question their own
1. ‘You always do this’
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Emotionally intelligent women who know their worth will pretty much never say, “You always do this.” That's because they know it's not true. They refrain from speaking in absolutes, which means they avoid words like “always” and “never” when they conflict with someone else.
Using the phrase “You always do this”shuts down communication instead of opening it up, because it means logic is no longer part of the conversation.
It's also criticism that's not specific enough to be helpful. There's no growth or improvement that can come from telling someone they "always" or "never" do something when it's objectively not "always" or "never".
As psychologist Nick Wignall explains, emotionally intelligent people don’t rely on criticism to gain the upper hand in an argument.
“Criticizing others is often an unconscious defense mechanism aimed at alleviating our insecurities,” he shared. “Too much criticism — especially the habit of being critical of others — can lead to the opposite of objectivity: it can make us narrow-minded and blind, especially to ourselves.”
Instead of saying phrases like, “You always do this,” an emotionally intelligent woman looks inward to understand why she's upset and expresses it in a calm and balanced way.
2. ‘This is just how I am’
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An emotionally intelligent woman knows they'll always keep growing, and thus doesn't make a habit of saying "this is just how I am" when someone asks them to acknowledge a mistake. Instead, they pause and consider their next words thoughtfully.
This phrase operates as a defense mechanism, building armor around the woman saying it so she doesn’t have to look at herself and take responsibility for her role in any situation. When a woman declares, “This is just how I am,” she’s automatically saying she’s unable or unwilling to change.
Personal growth is an ever-evolving process. While it won’t make your life perfect, it teaches you how to meet your emotional needs so you don’t say things like, “This is just how I am.”
3. ‘You wouldn’t understand’
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“You wouldn’t understand” is a phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman who knows her worth say. That's because a compassionate mindset requires understanding where someone comes from while acknowledging your limitations.
Yet, declaring, “You wouldn’t understand,” slams the conversation closed. It shuts other people out, making it impossible to feel connected. As Professor Yvonne K. Fulbright shares, “Healthy relationships depend on your ability to communicate your thoughts, desires, needs, and issues.”
“The trick is discovering how to express yourself amid the sea of emotions that can quickly submerge your best efforts,” she explains.
The phrase “You wouldn’t understand” serves the opposite function of sharing your feelings: It keeps people from knowing you, making a genuinely intimate relationship virtually impossible.
4. ‘Get over it’
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“Get over it” is another phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say. That's because they know their worth, and they value their integrity too much to be dismissive in this way.
According to UMatter at Princeton University, "Accountability is fundamental in healthy relationships, and is grounded on the idea that there is more than one person in a relationship - where one person ends, another begins."
It can be a lot harder to heal past wounds when the person who hurt us refuses to take accountability. When someone says, “Get over it,” they are essentially saying, "I will never change, and I'm not going to apologize."
Emotionally intelligent women will apologize and they are willing to do the work to change and grow. After all, they'd never want to make someone feel like they aren't worth the effort.
5. ‘That’s not my fault’
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You will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say the phrase “That’s not my fault” when something is, in fact, her fault. Emotionally intelligent women who know their worth take responsibility for their actions. They hold themselves accountable for how they treat others and make amends when they’ve caused harm.
Using the phrase “That’s not my fault” is a clear sign that someone has a victim mentality. As trauma therapist Nancy Carbone explains, framing yourself asa pepetual victim means “it's always someone else’s fault. If you're a victim, everyone else is to blame because you shirk all responsibility and blame others when things go wrong.”
“Living within the victim mentality will continue to bring unwelcome outcomes if you can't change your perspective," she continued. That's why emotionally intelligent women own up to their mistakes and pause to consider how to respond when someone calls them out.
6. ‘You never listen’
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Emotionally intelligent women know they have every right to ask someone they love to be a better listener. They also know that the worst way to do that is with an absolute like "never". In addition, they know that more specific feedback and ideas for how to be a better listener will go way further than shame and blame.
Career and lmanagement consultant Ruth Schimel points out that listening is “a foundation for intimacy and closeness [that] can also strengthen most relationships. As passive and simple as it may seem, listening is a powerful skill that benefits from your self-awareness and practice.
This skill “relies largely on the listener's capacity to name and appreciate emotions, as well as to be empathetic,” Schimel explained. So asking someone to be a better listener while communicating poorly isn't going to be very compelling.
7. ‘I’m done with this conversation’
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Another phrase you will never hear an emotionally intelligent woman who knows her worth say is, “I’m done with this conversation.” At least not until boundaries have been crossed.
Using this phrase closes the conversation before it’s even fully begun. It’s a dismissive way to speak to someone and a sign of being avoidant rather than open to talking, even when it’s hard. A woman who knows her worth expects more from herself.
Sometimes, people end difficult conversations abruptly because they’re scared of what they’ll uncover if they keep talking. Sometimes, they declare, “I’m done with this conversation” because they feel triggered, and their fight-flight-freeze response kicks into high gear.
As love and relationship coaches Orna and Matthew Walters, authors of the book Getting It Right This Time, reveal, “Everyone gets triggered and their own unique strategy for what they do when they are triggered.”
“Have compassion for yourself and your partner when either of you gets triggered emotionally and doesn’t behave well,” they advised. “This can be healing for both of you.”
8. 'You’re not good enough for me’
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It should be obvious, but you'll never hear an emotionally intelligent woman say, “You’re not good enough for me.” That's because, when you know your worth, you don’t settle for less than you deserve and you don't behave in ways you'll be ashamed of down the road.
Emotionally intelligent women aren’t trying to drag other people down and they don't need to be superior in relationships. Famed therapist Terry Real, author of the best-selling book Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship, explains that needing to be in a "one-up" position in a relationship causes a situation where "there is no platform for true intimacy," explaining that you need to be on the same level of importance in order to succeed and be happy in all sorts of relationships.
If someone isn’t the right match for them, they tell them in a clear and kind way. They know that just because someone didn’t fit into their dreams for the future doesn't make them unworthy of love or a wrong person.
Even though emotionally intelligent women refuse to compromise their self-respect, they don’t say phrases like “You’re not good enough for me.”
9. ‘You ruin everything’
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“You ruin everything” is a clearly hurtful, untrue statement and one an emotionally intelligent woman who knows her worth will never say. At its core, it is a cruel statement that blames the other person for any situation that didn’t unfold exactly as planned.
As dating and love coaches Orna and Matthew Walters, authors of Getting It Right This Time, point out, taking responsibility for your role in conflict means owning up to your behavior and not casting blame on your partner, even when it feels easy.
“Without responsibility, there can be no real healing,” they explain. “You want to take 100 percent responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions.”
“However, you want to be aware of any urge to take responsibility for your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and actions,” they advised. “You're not responsible for your partner. You're responsible only for yourself.”
Emotionally intelligent women don’t say phrases like “You ruin everything.” Instead, they work alongside their partner to find a solution that benefits them.
10. ‘You’ll never change’
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Even though she may get emotional during a disagreement, an emotionally intelligent woman will never say, “You’ll never change.” This phrase is designed to cause pain and sow the seeds of self-doubt. In addition, it's another absolute phrase that cannot be accurate. Her partner probably will change, just maybe not in the ways she wishes they would.
See, telling someone they’ll never change discounts their efforts to foster personal growth and a woman who knows her worth would never want to undermine that. She wants to support it.
We must believe in our ability to change and cultivate deeper self-awareness to truly grow. Author and counselor Dr. Ava Cadell shares, the four key elements to becoming more aware: Mindfulness, self-compassion, reflection, and feedback.
“Reflection is necessary to grow and evolve,” she explains. “Looking back at your strengths and weaknesses can help you be more aware of what you do well and what you need to work on to reinvent yourself.”
Self-love through forgiveness leads to a life filled with unconditional love, both giving and receiving,” Dr. Cadell concluded.
An emotionally intelligent woman doesn't discount anyone’s ability to change. She hopes everyone who wants to live more authentically will take action and bridge the gap between who they want to be and who they are now.
11. I guess you don't love me, then
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Emotionally intelligent women know they're worth more than petty ultimatums, and any form of "If you loved me, you would do [this]" is an ultimatum. According to the experts at VeryWell Mind, "An ultimatum is a warning or demand issued to one's partner to act in a specified way within a specified period or they risk losing the relationship."
Of course, there are times an ultimatum is appropriate. If a partner is blatantly violating promises and/or putting themselves or others in danger, an ultimatum might be effective and appropriate, as long as you mean it.
But an ultimatum like, "If you loved me, you wouldn't want to do holidays at your parents' house" or anything like that is manipulation. It's dishonest and unkind, and women who know their worth simply wouldn't stoop to that level.
Instead, they take time to reflect on what it is they want (in this example, to go to her parents' for the holidays) and what the underlying emotion is (feeling unloved that her partner doesn't want to do that). Then, a secure woman interrogates her feelings, asking herself something like, "Is it really that my partner doesn't love me, or is something deeper happening here?"
Women with high emotional intelligence aren't perfect. What makes them different is their willingness to pause before reacting so they know what they're saying is kind, honest and clear.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
