Kids Raised Around Near-Constant Conflict Often Develop These 11 Relationship Patterns As Adults
It can be hard for these people to maintain healthy romantic relationships.
Klemzy / ShutterstockGrowing up in a home that had near-constant conflict isn’t easy. As children, they may absorb these habits and act differently because of it. In romantic relationships, this behavior can cause difficulties.
Being raised around near-constant conflict has a serious impact on our mental health. When we form romantic relationships of our own, our childhood trauma plays a major role. We may not realize just how much our home situation molds us. Forming healthy relationship patterns may be difficult. Instead of having balance, their fear of conflict may cause difficulties. They may avoid problems at all costs or pull away when they feel they are getting too close. These are signs that their home life may have been difficult growing up.
Kids raised around near-constant conflict often develop these 11 relationship patterns as adults
1. Fear of conflict
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It’s not surprising that someone who grew up in a home with near constant conflict fears having arguments of their own. This might trigger a trauma response. When they form relationships as adults, they may do anything they can to avoid conflict. Whether they stifle their own feelings or shut down when tensions rise, this is a common relationship pattern they may fall into. It’s not easy to manage relationships like this, and it can cause them to fail, especially when they are romantic.
The truth is, we need to have conflict. Of course, this doesn’t mean all-out yelling brawls. Instead, we need to be able to have healthy conversations that tackle the conflict head-on. A fear of conflict can lead to unhealthy relationship patterns, as things may not get solved.
2. Avoidance of hard conversations
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When people grew up in a home with near-constant conflict, they may have seen the worst from their caregivers. Instead of mirroring a loving and healthy relationship, they may have been exposed to toxic situations. This can change the way they view relationships. It could be that they want to avoid getting into situations like the one they grew up in, and endure constant breakups when relationships don’t feel perfect. They may do whatever it takes to avoid conflict.
Constant breakups can be a sign that someone is trying to avoid getting too close to someone else. It could be because of the situation they grew up in. The constant conflict may set them up for failure in romantic relationships, whether they realize it or not.
3. Fear of abandonment
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Kids who grew up in high-conflict situations may struggle with abandonment. They may feel like they can’t trust anyone because of the conflict in their household. If their parents were in and out of their lives, or each other’s, it can cause them to fear abandonment. When they enter adult relationships, that fear may follow them. Instead of trusting the person they are with, they may constantly fear they will leave them. It’s not an easy mindset to have, and it may have started early in childhood.
As a result, this person may struggle to get close to anyone. When they are in relationships, a pattern will happen. They may push others away to avoid getting too close. Or, they may become attached, hoping to keep them close and always around. However it looks, someone who grew up in a near-constant conflict household can develop a relationship pattern because of their fear of abandonment.
4. Frequent irritation
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Have you been in a relationship where everything the person did irritated you? Certain aspects of their behavior may be triggering. Whether it brings back past feelings or gets under your skin for another reason, heightened irritability can become a pattern in relationships. Someone may become easily annoyed with any partner because of what they endured in their childhood. It can cause constant breakups or fights.
Someone who was around a lot of conflict as a child may have a short fuse. They likely grew up in a stressful environment. Irritability can be their body’s go-to emotion. This pattern can cause conflict in their relationships that mirrors what they grew up with.
5. Feeling a frequent need for space
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We’ve all heard someone say they needed to take space in a relationship. This can be healthy. Instead of fighting back when they feel overwhelmed, they’ll remove themselves from the conversation. A tactic like this can prevent arguments from escalating, which is positive.
However, sometimes taking space can become a pattern in a relationship. Instead of working through conflict, they may remove themselves completely and not return to fix the problem at hand.
Someone who grew up around near-constant conflict may be in a constant state of fight-or-flight. They may be triggered to fall into the flight category, leaving every relationship when things get complicated. Taking space can turn into ghosting, which can deeply damage their personal relationships.
6. Unequally shared responsibilities
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If someone grew up in an unsteady household, they may have a hard time handling responsibilities. It can go either way. They may be averse to taking on any responsibilities whatsoever, or they take on every task they can to feel in control. They may not have had much control in their lives, and they feel like they can have some when they take on tasks. In relationships, they may have an unhealthy pattern with their partner. They either take on every task and burn out or force too much responsibility on their partner. Each of these can lead to unhealthy relationships.
Unhealthy relationship patterns can form in our childhood. Whether we were doing too many things to keep our family happy, or not doing anything at all as a trauma response, this can become a common theme in our romantic relationships as we get older. Unequal responsibilities can become a pattern in relationships, leading to stress and conflict. The relationship may become one-sided.
7. People-pleasing tendencies
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People who grew up in high-conflict households may do anything they can to keep others happy. When they’re in relationships, they may become people pleasers. This pattern can lead to them being taken advantage of. While they may be trying to keep everyone happy, they are hurting themselves the most. People-pleasers put others before themselves, but it doesn’t always work in their favor.
“People-pleasers may have challenges distinguishing their likes, dislikes, and hobbies from others. Knowing their true desires, wishes, and goals may be hard for them. They may also have difficulty saying no, or they say yes to things they don’t want to do,” says Marissa Moore. “People-pleasers will often go to great lengths to be liked, avoid disagreements, and mitigate the feeling that they will be abandoned.”
8. Constant tension
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Growing up in a home with a lot of conflict is not easy. It might make them prone to high-tension relationship patterns. This is where every little thing may cause an argument. They grew up around fighting, and it might be their go-to defense mechanism. The tension between themselves and their partners may be a cycle they are unable to break. They will instead deal with their own version of the home they grew up in.
Constant tension can be harmful to your health. Having this relationship pattern can make things difficult. The drama may take a toll on the individual mentally and the relationship as a whole.
9. Difficulty problem-solving
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Sometimes, someone who grew up in a conflict-filled household may shut down when an argument occurs. Instead of talking through the issue, they may flee. This isn’t productive. It can cause an unhealthy relationship pattern. Instead of solving the issues, they run to the next person. This pattern can be toxic. When nothing gets taken care of, the relationships will struggle.
Problem-solving isn’t easy in a healthy relationship. It can be even more difficult when the dynamic is difficult to begin with. Fixing things in a relationship is important, and if someone is in the pattern of leaving when things get complicated, it could be a reflection of their childhood.
10. Always having to be in a relationship
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Have you had a friend who is constantly in a relationship? If one ends, they seem to join another one quickly thereafter. This type of person may be described as a serial monogamist, someone who has to be in a committed relationship at all times. Someone who grew up in an unstable home may have this relationship pattern. They may feel they need someone at all times.
People who always have to be in a relationship may find comfort in being with someone else. Since their relationship with their caregivers was likely strained, it might feel best to have a romantic partner in their life at all times.
11. Avoiding relationships altogether
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On the other side of the coin, some people who grew up in a home like this are in a pattern of avoiding relationships altogether. They may not feel safe being vulnerable with another person. Instead of letting their walls down, they may struggle to form healthy bonds with other people. Avoiding relationships may keep them in their comfort zone.
“This is due to caregivers who were unreliable or abandoned you, leaving you distrustful of those who claim to care for you. If you fear that others will hurt you the way your caregivers did, avoiding settling down can feel safer as it allows you the freedom to leave the relationship when and if necessary,” says Kaytee Gillis, LCSW.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
