Most Couples Don't Realize The Power Struggles In Their Marriage Often Come Down To These 2 Things
hoi an and da nang photographer | UnsplashPower struggles don't usually show up in obvious ways. Most couples don't realize that the power struggles in their marriage often stem from subtle patterns that play out over time, slowly pivoting the balance of control, communication, and emotional safety in the relationship.
You can love each other and still feel stuck in a cycle where one person pushes, the other pulls away, or control shows up in ways that don't always look aggressive. The problem isn't always what you're arguing about; it's how power is being handled underneath it. Once you understand the dynamics driving these struggles, it becomes much easier to understand what’s actually going wrong and how to start fixing it.
Most couples don't realize that the power struggles in their marriage often come down to these 2 things:
1. One partner controls openly while the other controls quietly
This is demanding, dictating, bullying, and aggressive behavior, along with subtle forms of control, like shutting down, disappearing, silent treatment, and passive-aggressive behavior. Most people think controlling behavior looks like yelling or demanding, but the quiet versions are just as damaging to a relationship.
One study found that silent treatment functions as a low-cost, high-impact form of control and is linked to decreased mental health and poor relationship quality for both partners. The difficult part is that the person doing it often does not even realize they are using it to stay in control.
2. One partner keeps pushing while the other keeps pulling away
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One of the most common destructive patterns of control is when one partner keeps approaching the other about an important need or problem, while the other becomes overloaded and withdraws or superficially complies.
The pursuing partner becomes increasingly frustrated, leading them to increase pressure, while the withdrawer becomes more and more overwhelmed by it, resorting to a fight-or-flight response to escape.
Both partners feel caught in a trap that just keeps replaying. Neither feels in control, and both see each other as controlling. This can happen in any area of a relationship, like communication and household tasks. It makes the control issue further and further away from being resolved, leaving both partners feeling irritated.
The 2 areas where these power struggles play out:
1. What you're "allowed" to talk about
This is when one person in the relationship refuses to engage in discussions on certain topics and dictates what can and can’t be brought up. This is often a defense mechanism resulting from defensive thinking, a refusal to admit wrongdoing, or fear of being attacked.
For closeness and connectedness to be present, you need to be able to discuss what is on your mind. If you cannot, then frustration or resentment can build, damaging the relationship, research shows.
I see this time and time again with marriages after infidelity. After a spouse has discovered an affair, they want the cheating husband or wife to go over what happened. They want all the details several times, and they always need to know why. However, the person who had the affair wants to move on, put it behind them, and forget about the infidelity.
As much as the other person wants to let it go, they struggle because they have so many questions, thoughts, and images going round in their head and want to talk about. The control in this situation is different and needs to be addressed before the affair causes further damage than it has already.
Successful relationships are all about making sure that no topics are off-limits. Any discomfort or uneasiness is a sign that you need to face something. Talking about it is an opportunity to grow and work through it. So, what can you do if your husband or wife, parent, or other close family member refuses to discuss an issue?
It's tempting to get angry and push back, but empathizing works best. Their refusal usually indicates fear. Fear of getting attacked, being embarrassed, losing face, confrontation, or admitting they were wrong. You need to help them open up by being as gentle and kind as possible, creating a safe space where no one is attacked.
2. Who decides how you spend your time
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Who organizes what you do in your free time? Is it you or your spouse? Many men and women like to be controlled in this area because they don't have to think about what they will do that week or weekend, or where and when they will go on holiday, it will all be done for them.
It's rare to find balance in this area in marriage because, over time, one person usually ends up going along with what the other person wants. Quite often, it's easier that way and therefore accepted that one will take over such activities, and both are happy with it.
However, after a while, what typically happens is that one person gets fed up with always having to organize everything and feels like the whole relationship is driven by them, especially with men. Their partners are frustrated. They're sick and tired of being the ones to arrange everything from their own birthdays to their anniversary.
It doesn’t always work out like this, though. Some people like to hold on to control of leisure time and refuse to do anything they don’t want to do. They may refuse to visit family over the holidays or organize all the family trips to suit their interests.
It’s hurtful when this happens, but the best and only thing to do is not to give in. Both people need to make themselves happy to have a happy relationship. If someone gives in completely, it's highly likely that regrets or resentment will build, and life is too short for that.
Other control issues that can come up include housework, how the home looks, parenting, physical appearance, and finances.
The best way to deal with control issues is to stand up for what you want in a non-aggressive way.
Be willing to negotiate until you can agree on a middle ground.
Bringing up such issues in a lighthearted way, such as a joking comment when you're both in a good mood, can work well enough to let them know you want it to change.
Hinting is always a good strategy, at first. If that doesn’t work, then try using "I feel..." and "I would like..." statements to get your point across.
For example, "I feel upset when I'm not part of the decision-making, and I would like to be more involved." Or, "I feel rejected when topics I want to discuss are brushed under the carpet. I would like it if we could discuss this issue, please. Let me know when it's good for you, and I'll be ready."
It's not attractive to be manipulative. It's also not attractive to be passive-aggressive when you're annoyed but not speaking up.
It's far better and more effective to influence your partner with love and kindness than to demand, control, and beg.
Control issues can be managed. They won’t go away on their own. Left unattended, they can endanger otherwise strong relationships. Now, if your partner really is an "It’s my way or the highway" kind of person, and you've been feeling unhappy for a long time, consider getting some support to work out how to change this.
And if you recognize yourself as the controlling one and are trying to make it up to your spouse, then you'll want to say and do the right things now to change this before it’s too late. What's needed on both sides is a positive, proactive approach to addressing control issues in marriage. Overt and covert control are chronic and entrenched, which can cause serious trouble in the marriage.
Relinquishing control is the best gift you can give yourself and your relationships.
It's a gift because it doesn’t feel good to be controlling. And it's certainly not empowering to know someone is doing something because you're making them do it. When you allow your partner to be who they are and who they want to be, you attract them to you and inspire them to reciprocate and love you for who you are, too.
Nicola Beer is a marriage transformation specialist, founder of the Save My Marriage Program, and the author of 7 Secrets to Saving Your Marriage.
