7 Simple Things Emotionally Secure Couples Do When The Spark Starts Fading
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | CanvaBuilding trust and emotional security in a relationship increases friendship and intimacy between a couple, especially when the spark starts fading.
A company called QS Bathroom Supplies recently studied trust (and how it relates to emotional security) in a relationship in a poll called Don't Touch My Stuff. The results found that couples had more off-limits items and banned chores at home than one would think. The number-one item was their smartphone, and the reason is that they didn't want their partner using it. Computers and cash are the next two.
Researchers found that most of the couples they studied felt this way at the beginning. But if they didn't loosen up, it was because their partner lost or damaged the item. Top chores that men had off limits for women included taking out the trash, washing the car, and cooking meals. Meanwhile, for women, their off-limits chores for men included doing laundry, dishes, and cooking meals.
The reasons why it was these chores, specifically, are one or a combination of these 3 reasons:
- They've messed up that chore in the past.
- They don't do that chore the way their partner prefers. ("I prefer to do it this way.")
- They're incapable of doing the chore the "right way."
- This was also an indication of how much they trusted their partner in the relationship.
Turns out that when there's a banned chore, there's a decrease in trust and emotional security in the relationship, which obviously affects the intimacy in the relationship, too. They also found that the longer a couple stayed together (usually 10 or more years), the fewer off-limits items and banned chores in the home they had.
Feeling emotionally secure with each other is the glue that holds your relationship together; it's what helps you get through difficult times, and if you've been in a relationship for a while, you already know there are many highs and lows — here's how to get through them.
Here are 7 simple things emotionally secure couples do when the spark starts fading:
1. Emotionally secure couples show up for each other
Consistency and just being there are what will pay off in the end. You tend to trust those who are consistent and make us feel emotionally secure. This means being there through the good and the bad times.
So, when you get home from work, you may feel tired, but your spouse really needs you to listen. They've had a rough day with the kids and need your support. This may seem like a small moment, but if you stay and listen, it'll pay off in a big way down the road.
2. They remember they're on the same team
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When you're not on the same team, you create the "I win, we lose" scenario. Nobody likes that feeling. Your relationship isn't a competition, and the most emotionally secure couples know that working together as a team and creating the motto of "we win together" will help improve the relationship tenfold.
3. Secure couples don't hide their flaws
You shouldn't be with somebody you can't be yourself with. Your partner needs to love all parts of you. We all have good and bad in us, and both sides will eventually come out, which means you need to be open about sharing your emotions. When you don't share your emotions, you tend to stay stuck.
What's interesting is that Researchers actually explored how sharing positive emotions can be more important than sharing the negative in long-lasting relationships because relationships that are happy require more positive moments than bad ones.
4. They remember that trust is earned, not a given
Trust is a daily commitment, and it's often the smallest things that build the most trust. This means saying thank you and telling your partner what you appreciate about them. For example, let your partner know you're grateful that they took the time to help with the dishes because work has been a little extra stressful these days. Gratitude for the small things over a long period of time will build (and keep) trust in a relationship over the long-run.
Clinical psychologist Danielle Weber elaborated: “A kiss before work, a note on the mirror, bringing your partner a cup of coffee: those little reminders of care build trust and security. They make it easier to endure the hard stuff. They remind you you’re on the same team."
5. Emotionally secure couples take risks together
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Taking risks means being vulnerable, which may feel scary at first, but helps build huge emotional security and trust. This also means making a change together if a change is necessary (new job, new place to live, etc.) As humans, it's easy to become comfortable in our routine and change. This may bring up fear and anxiety, but the truth is: it's the only constant in
Taking risks means getting outside of your comfort zone. Expand your social circle or engage in a new hobby together. If you're the type to never leave the beach on vacation, go zip-lining, or book an off-road Jeep adventure you've never tried before. Change things up and challenge the status quo.
6. They are supportive of one another
When was the last time you shared your dreams with your partner? There needs to be safety and emotional security in a relationship to do this. Maybe you have the same dreams, maybe you don't — you won't find out unless you talk about them. Even better: When you're truly supportive of one another, your partner will feel like they can make a mistake without fear of judgment or criticism.
7. Emotionally secure couples don't badmouth each other
Nobody likes bad-mouthing in a relationship. You don't need to tell your best friend that your partner didn't put the dishes away or that the way he parents isn't the way you'd do it. A little venting is okay, but real issues are something you need to talk to your partner about first. You also don't need to share all your dirty laundry in the relationship. It's tacky, and it decreases trust in the relationship, too. Remember, once you say something out loud or on social media, you can't take it back. Screenshots are forever.
It's important to remember that trust and emotional security are built over time. Is your relationship ready for the long haul, and what do you need to do to make it last long after the spark inevitably fades?
Lianne Avila is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. She is dedicated to helping couples and has completed Levels 1, 2, and 3 at The Gottman Institute.
