6 Solid Signs Your Marriage Is In A Really Good Place Even Behind Closed Doors, According To Experts
JLco Julia Amaral | ShutterstockEven the best relationships can get caught up in the excitement of being in love and overlook minor premarital conflicts until they spiral out of control. You know there are differences and problems, and all marriages go through stages. All couples have conflicts.
Even though no one is foolish enough to ignore reality, most couples genuinely believe that marriage makes love stronger, deep down. The problem is that marriage has a funny way of magnifying the differences between you and your spouse, even when things are going well. Is there a way to know if your marriage is in a really good place?
To find out what truly signals a healthy marriage, we asked relationship psychologists, marriage therapists, and long-term couples counselors what they look for behind closed doors.
6 solid signs your marriage is in a really good place, according to experts:
1. You radically accept each other's differences
It may sound too simple, but a marriage lasts when couples honor each other’s differences. When couples talk to us about their differences as challenges, not as catastrophes, you know their marriage will endure.
Your spouse is different from you. They think differently, they feel differently, and they use money differently than you. And it’s not going to change. If he enjoys spending money, work with that trait instead of trying to change him. If she likes a little risk to grow your money, buckle up and enjoy the ride.
A marriage that lasts recognizes each other’s differences, digs deep to learn about their strengths and weaknesses, and then works with those and stops fantasizing about changing that person.
— Scott & Bethany Palmer, financial planners and authors
2. You love without limits
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When you and your spouse accept and love each other as you are, that's a good sign your marriage will last. This means you're embracing the good, not-so-good, and quirky sides of each other. It also means you're both sharing your true thoughts and feelings, which deepens your love.
— Janet Ong Zimmerman, relationship coach and mentor
3. You accept his past, and he accepts yours
Regardless of who he was, how many women he’s been with, or his upbringing, you don’t hold his past against him. You naturally allow him to reinvent himself and grow with you. You promise to never think you know everything about him and instead swear to approach each day with curiosity about who he's becoming. Your relationship is the total package (forgiveness and letting go of the past are not sold separately).
— Clayton Olson, relationship coach
4. You put each other first
Couples are on solid ground in their relationship when they’ve made the transition from ‘me’ to ‘us’ in that their first priority is to make each other feel safe and secure. They apologize after a fight for their part in the conflict, even if they think they’ve only contributed two percent to the problem. They let the other know regularly what they appreciate, and their connection feels satisfying.
— Deborah Fox, MSW, couples therapist
5. You communicate with kindness
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You know your marriage is going to last when you can talk about any topic, even the challenging ones, calmly and openly. You approach these conversations as an opportunity to learn about your partner, not to get your own way. You embrace your differences and recognize that you are stronger when you work as a team than as individual players.
— Lesli Doares, therapist and couples coach
6. You are friends who enjoy quality time together
According to renowned American psychologist John Gottman, marriages are based on deep friendship and shared meaning. Happily married couples can resolve conflicts without resorting to negative behavior like name-calling or criticizing.
Successful couples are interested in understanding the internal world of the other — they remain curious and open to each other. The relationship is not without problems, but the couple remains loving and accepting of one another.
— Lea Roussos, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
Aria Gmitter is YourTango's Senior Editor of Horoscopes and Spirituality. She graduated from the Midwestern School of Astrology and has been a practical astrologer for 40 years.
