A Therapist Says The Gap Between Couples Who Last And Those Who Don’t Usually Comes Down To These 7 Things
Dean Drobot | CanvaHow happy you are in a relationship changes. Some couples slowly grow apart, and others seem to have their love amplified the longer they are together. Researchers tracked 300 couples over 10 years to see how their happiness changed.
Couples who started happy and satisfied in their relationship improved their individual mental health and sense of stability, while couples who were unhappy at the beginning, or whose happiness declined over time, had more difficulties maintaining their love connection.
If you want your relationship to last, you need some consistency, too. Lewis Howes is the host of the School of Greatness Podcast, where he has inspiring conversations with various thought leaders, designed to help everyday people unlock their own greatest potential. He recently shared takeaways from a discussion with therapist Dr. Nicole LePerla about how to succeed in romantic partnerships.
A therapist says the gap between couples who last and those who don’t usually comes down to these 7 things:
1. Couples who last establish boundaries with family members
“They put the relationship first and had clear boundaries with family,” LePerla noted. “They didn’t vent to them about issues or make decisions based on what their family wanted. They did what was best for their partnership, together.”
Couples with a long-lasting relationship can work together and present a unified front toward outside interference, which in some cases might be family members. A study of couples who had been married for 40 years or more confirmed that focusing on the partnership, first and foremost, allows couples to set themselves up for longevity.
2. They’re actually friends
Romance is important, but so is genuinely liking and appreciating your partner for being exactly the person they are, and not who you want them to be. Making a solid friendship the basis of a partnership is a great sign that a couple is built to last. If you’re excited to share morning coffee with each other and catch up on the day at dinner, that’s a good sign your relationship has staying power.
"As we get more comfortable in relationships, it can be hard to remember to notice our spouses and then acknowledge we like what we see," advised marriage coach Mitzi Bockmann. "But it is important to show your spouse gratitude and let them know you still find them as cute, elegant, beautiful (or another authentic adjective) as you did in the beginning."
3. Couples who last go through hardships together
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Couples who have experienced some level of struggle, yet made it through, are likely to make it in the long run. LePerla explained that going through “really difficult periods where they were at a crossroads and even had second thoughts” can actually strengthen a relationship. Choosing to stay together and work through the hard times helps couples establish trust, and rebuild parts of their relationship that may have been broken.
4. They let each other show up authentically
For couples who last, “there was a base level of respect and admiration for each other rather than a desire to change each other,” LePerla revealed. “This freedom brought out the best parts of both of them.”
For a romantic relationship to really, truly work, we have to love and accept the people we’re actually with, not some imagined or projected version of them. Part of being present in partnership is the most valuable way we can show up for others and for ourselves.
"Feeling good about yourself is different than just being happy," added marriage counselor Susan Saint-Welch. "Emotionally healthy people tend to want to be around other healthy people. Knowing your true self is a journey. You will likely continue to change in the future. Don't be afraid to be who you really are. The right people around you will truly want you to be happy and healthy."
5. Long-lasting couples have hard conversations
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It might seem easier to ignore the tough stuff, but not dealing with the more challenging aspects that arise in a relationship can cause more harm than good. LePerla shared that couples who have made it put in the hard work of talking about hard topics, noting that, “They communicated regularly and were open to each other’s perspectives. They didn’t cope by avoiding or denying. Emotional regulation was present, so conversations rarely became explosions.”
Couples were able to communicate in a measured way, even when it felt difficult to do so. Research from The Gottman Institute backs this up: "Effective communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship, yet many couples struggle with breakdowns that feel isolating and frustrating. More often than not, these challenges stem from overlooked emotional cues or negative communication habits that gradually erode trust and intimacy. By understanding these root causes and employing effective techniques, like active listening and using 'I' statements, couples can transform their communication patterns."
6. They fight with each other
Contrary to that one pervasive relationship myth, fighting doesn’t mean the end, and it can actually be a good thing if you’re fighting well. Couples who last know “how to navigate conflict, bounce back, and move forward,” LePerla said.
"When we get into an argument, it is challenging to look at the situation calmly without emotional input," explained health coach Nancy Addison. "So, after you have both spoken your thoughts, agree to take an hour or some time (at a minimum of 30 minutes) to do something else, think about the situation, and meet up again a little later to discuss ideas on resolving the issue.
7. Couples who go the distance don't lose their sense of humor
Instead of being hyper-critical about some aspect of their partner’s personality that bothers them, people in lasting couples are able to see the humor in situations, appreciating and acknowledging the little things that make their loved one unique.
Psychotherapist Samantha Benigno suggested, "Humor and jokes can go a long way and are good for your mental health, too. Incorporating humor and fun into a relationship is not just about having a good time; it's a valuable strategy for building emotional bonds, improving communication, managing conflict, reducing stress, and fostering a more satisfying and resilient connection."
We all hope for a lasting relationship with a loving and trusting partner, but there are no guarantees in life or in love. Yet, creating a strong foundation of mutual respect, care, affection, and communication in a partnership can send you down a path toward spending years together.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers relationships, pop culture, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
