5 Things That Turn A Normal Relationship Fight Into Lasting Damage
Andrik Langfield | UnsplashFighting in a relationship isn't the problem; it's how you fight that matters. A normal relationship fight can actually bring you closer, but certain habits can quickly turn a simple disagreement into lasting damage that lingers long after the argument ends.
Most couples don't realize they're doing these things in the moment. What feels like expressing your feelings or defending yourself can come across as blame, withdrawal, or emotional overload, and that’s when communication breaks down. If you want your relationship to grow instead of slowly deteriorate, it starts with avoiding these common mistakes.
Here are 5 things that turn a normal relationship fight into lasting damage:
1. Turning everything into blame
When you and your partner are fighting about something, it's usually because you disagree. Either that or like, you need a nap, and he hasn't had a midday snack. Ultimately, we're all just toddlers.
It's normal and healthy to have disagreements! You are different people! What's not healthy is aggressively pointing out your boyfriend's shortcomings to him without taking any responsibility for your own actions. Let's use an old standby as an example: He has never once put the toilet seat down at your apartment.
Wrong: "What the heck, man, just put down the seat, you ALWAYS do this!"
Right: "Hey, when we're at my apartment, could you please remember to put the toilet seat down? If there's anything I'm doing like that at your place, let me know."
Research on relational stability identifies blame as the main driver of conflict escalation, with accusations triggering counter-criticism, making it nearly impossible to solve the actual problem. The wrong way makes your dude feel small, the right way makes him feel like an adult and invites a conversation! Just like, be fully prepared for him to ask you to stop leaving hair in the drain.
2. Walking away without explaining why
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I am guilty of this one. When you're having a fight with your partner, please resist the urge to dramatically flee the scene. I am known as a door-slamming, dramatic-stormer, and it never makes anything better. If you have the impulse during a fight to get away from your partner, that's fine!
But don't just leave. Say, "I'm finding it hard to communicate effectively right now, so I'm going for a walk around the block." I know it's hard, especially when what you really want to say is something much more crass and offensive.
Licensed counselor and couples therapist Lisa Rabinowitz says that when one partner stonewalls or withdraws mid-argument, it's critical to stop the conversation entirely rather than push through. Walking away without communicating your intention leaves your partner feeling confused and abandoned, which only adds fuel to the fire.
If you need to leave, leave, but don't use leaving as a tactic to gain the upper hand. Even if you aren't doing this intentionally, that's how it can read, and your relationship deserves better than cheap, immature mind games.
3. Letting emotions completely take over
I understand that we can't always help when we cry. When I get mad or frustrated, I cry. In fact, those are more often the reasons I cry than any sort of sadness.
Dr. Gottman's research shows that emotional flooding during a fight causes heart rate to spike, stress hormones to surge, and rational thinking to break down. This makes it genuinely impossible to communicate effectively in that state.
When you cry during a fight, it's time to call a time-out until you get yourself back together. Crying can make some men back down immediately. It can also make some men (primarily jerks) feel played.
Regardless, while the catharsis of crying feels great, it's a distraction from the argument at hand, and it can make some men feel like pulling away.
4. Bringing up old wounds that aren't resolved
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There is a critical step in fighting that is sometimes overlooked. I'm talking about true forgiveness. If you ever want to truly get over a fight and move on to be happier and more in love than ever, you have GOT to let go in addition to forgetting.
Are you mad at him for constantly interrupting you? Fine, be mad at him for that. But don't suddenly say, "And remember when you looked at my best friend's body?"
That makes a dude (or, you know, any human) feel on edge, nervous, and insecure. Do you want to push him away? Throw his past transgressions in his face. Do you want everything to work out? Truly forgive and move on.
According to psychologist Dr. Kristin Davin, constantly assigning fault is a dead-end pattern that keeps couples miles apart and blocks any real reconnection. This is because, as long as one partner is pointing fingers, neither person feels safe enough to be honest about how they actually feel.
5. Shutting down just to end the conflict
It's okay to feel uncomfortable and unhappy during a fight. It's an uncomfortable and unhappy thing to be in conflict with someone you love. It is not okay to simply shut down in the hopes of making it end sooner.
Don't agree just to agree. Don't avoid eye contact. Don't mumble. Don't tell him he's right just because your bones are crawling out of your skin.
If you feel your walls coming up, tell him that. It's totally okay to say, "I'm not done with this, I'm still upset, but I need to take a break, or I'm just going to shut down."
According to the Gottman Institute, shutting down emotionally during conflict is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown. While it might feel like a way to de-escalate in the moment, avoiding conflict this way builds tension and pushes the relationship toward a breaking point.
Above all, remember that even when you're fighting, you guys are still a team. It might feel subconsciously satisfying to push him away during a fight, but if what you want is a strong relationship, you're going to have to try something different.
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and the former Senior Editor of Pop Culture at Newsweek with a passion for lifestyle, geek news, and true crime.
