You Can Usually Tell How Compatible A Couple Is By 6 Things They Rarely Have To Force
kate_sept2004 | CanvaThe love story that we're sold is one in which everything is happy, light, and easy. Even if we think we're wise enough to see beyond it, most people subconsciously succumb in one way or another.
Maybe it isn't about being able to determine whether or not someone is the highly compatible "right fit" for us, but being able to determine how far we're willing to push ourselves to see.
Oftentimes, the partnerships we're in aren't wrong; they're just not what we imagined they'd be. At some point or another, most people need a gentle wake-up call, a little reminder that love is what we foster, not what we find.
You can usually tell how compatible a couple is by 6 things they rarely have to force:
1. You feel at peace
The truth is that the kind of love that lasts, the kind on which you build a respectful, intimate, real relationship, makes you feel at peace. It's more comfort than panic and thrill. There's a difference between settling into comfort and settling for less than a love that makes you feel like your best, most grounded self.
Psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin explained that, "Secure, functioning relationships are built on collaboration, mutual care, and a shared agreement to protect each other from internal and external threats." This kind of peace means you've finally found the kind of love that doesn't have to be earned through cycles of anxiety.
2. You resolve old relationship patterns
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When you arrive at the point where you're able to recognize a pattern emerging, you're also at the point where you're ready to let it go. Often in the best relationships, these issues stand front and center. It's never a matter of whether or not you experience them, but whether or not you resolve them — and in the most compatible relationships, you do.
3. You each take responsibility for your own happiness
When most people give up on love, it's because they've reached the point at which the other person doesn't make them happy. The harsh reality is that nobody else can make you happy — not consistently, anyway. Regardless, that's never something you should rely on, and people in the most compatible relationships know this.
Unhappy periods will come and go, but your bond has to be stronger. The key to that is fueling your own gas tank; as anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you, it's unrealistic attachment and expectation that sinks the ship faster than anything else.
4. Compatible couples have an unprecedented level of acceptance
This is often an overlooked quality for a relationship, but it's an important one. The right relationship is the one in which you have mutual acceptance and respect for one another. In other words, you're not trying to change each other.
You don't tease each other for the little things. You see who the person is in their entirety, not just the parts you'd prefer. Acceptance of one another is a crucial component of healthy, compatible relationships.
5. You want the same things long-term
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There are so many crucial practicalities when it comes to choosing a life partner who's compatible with you, though none of them seem very romantic on the surface. One of the most important is whether or not you want the same things in the big picture: kids, dogs, or both. Suburbs or city?
If any one person has to compromise a fundamental part of the life they want to live for the sake of the relationship, it likely won't work out. "Having shared financial goals, among other goals, for the future is extremely important in maintaining a secure attachment because you can see how you will fulfill your future together," psychotherapist Susan Saint-Welch explained.
6. Compatible couples both want to make it work
All relationships have issues, even the most compatible ones. Making it through them is usually only a matter of whether or not both parties have a deep, innate desire to do so.
A 2023 study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin highlighted the importance of small gestures showing your partner you care (sending a quick 'Made it home?' text, saving them the last bite, etc.) and actively listening to your partner's needs as crucial elements for a successful partnership.
There's a lot of work, compromise, and sacrifice that goes into fostering a healthy, loving bond, and if you aren't willing to give it all you have, you probably won't make it through the trials that you will inevitably face.
Brianna Wiest is a writer, editor, author, and regular contributor to publications such as Huffington Post, Forbes, Teen Vogue, Thought Catalog, and many others. She's the author of 101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think, and other collections of poetry and prose.
