11 Behaviors Most People Think Are Mean That Are Actually Extreme Emotional Intelligence
MAYA LAB / ShutterstockSome people are quick to accuse someone of being mean when, in reality, they are just speaking their mind and maybe even setting an important boundary. If you've ever found yourself on the receiving end of that kind of accusation for simply saying "no" to plans because you may not feel like participating in or for wanting to stay out of someone else's drama, it can be confusing. You know you're not trying to be a bad guy. The thing is, some behaviors that most people think are mean are actually signs that a person has extreme emotional intelligence.
Being able to understand your own emotions and handle other people's feelings, too, means you're in tune and know how to do so without losing yourself in the process. It doesn't mean that you're some kind of rude, dismissive individual. People with high emotional intelligence are able to communicate clearly and set boundaries, and yes, some of that can be harsh if you're not used to it. Sure, walking away from drama can seem cold, and saying a hard truth can sound incredibly blunt, but there's no cruelty behind any of these actions. In fact, you're not really doing these things to be mean in the first place. It's just about being honest and intentional with how you handle yourself and others.
Here are 11 behaviors most people think are mean that are actually extreme emotional intelligence
1. Setting firm boundaries
BongkarnGraphic | Shutterstock
Some people really do see saying "no" as being selfish or cold, but highly emotionally intelligent people understand that clear boundaries are supposed to exist so that they're not exerting too much of their energy into relationships. It's especially true when they're dealing with relationships that might not be as healthy or productive as others. Rather than building resentment toward people, they choose to limit how much of themselves they extend.
"These interpersonal boundaries determine how much contact we have with other people, what types of contact we have with them, how much we give and how much we ask for in our relationships, how much time we make for people, and how much time we reserve for ourselves," explained licensed psychologist Jordan Fiorillo Scotti.
It's never coming from a place of trying to be dismissive. They're simply trying to protect themselves. Setting boundaries means doing what works for them. This shows just how much they understand their needs and that they refuse to compromise their sense of self to make others happy when it's not making them happy.
2. Not participating in gossip
BearFotos | Shutterstock
Choosing to avoid gossip can make it seem as if you're trying to come across as judgmental of others or even aloof. Being a highly emotionally intelligent person just means that you want to maintain some sort of integrity, and sitting around talking about someone can feel like it's going against your own principles. Gossip rarely serves anyone positively.
"When we gossip, we are fertilizing our minds with toxicity and judgment. We are much more likely to scrutinize ourselves when we are busy scrutinizing others. We are significantly more susceptible to self-centered fear and the obsession that others are going to gossip about us," said therapist Hannah Rose.
Instead, it can fuel misinformation and even just fuel more drama that you are trying to avoid at all times. It can quickly spiral out of control if you're constantly participating in gossip, and someone can even get their feelings hurt at the end of it. The level of thoughtfulness it takes to avoid gossip just comes from being respectful.
3. Silently observing instead of overreacting
Cast Of Thousands | Shutterstock
People around you might automatically label you as being mean just because you're choosing not to jump into a situation with a strong reaction until you have all of the details. You would hate to escalate things further, and you're also not someone who's known for reacting impulsively in the face of any kind of tension or conflict. Instead, you would rather observe first, then give yourself time to process information and understand the context before reacting.
"By being able to pause and respond, rather than react, you might best be described as strong in 'psychological flexibility.' Your pause affords you the time and psychological openness to assess both how you feel about the situation and to brainstorm regarding what is in your best interests," pointed out psychologist Bernard Golden.
You're not going to let anger dictate your response because, usually, anger is just a secondary emotion to something a lot deeper. Overreacting can cloud your judgment and even damage relationships, sometimes beyond repair. By taking a beat to assess all of the facts and come to your own conclusion, you're choosing to be intentional about things rather than jumping straight into the deep end.
4. Being direct about expectations
insta_photos | Shutterstock
Some might interpret the fact that you always make sure to have clear requests or rules as being harsh. In reality, you just prefer having transparency because it helps avoid any misunderstandings in the future. By clearly communicating your needs and expectations, you can hopefully prevent any conflict.
Being direct just means that you have the utmost respect for yourself and for the people you keep company with. Being passive-aggressive or just hoping people get the hint leaves more room for guesses that don't go anywhere. Being honest and transparent just saves so much time and energy for everyone involved, even if others might not see it that way initially.
5. Refusing to over-apologize
GaudiLab | Shutterstock
Declining to apologize more than once, or even apologizing for something that wasn't your fault in the first place, can initially come off as you being cold. However, emotionally intelligent people only apologize when they genuinely feel it's warranted. You'll never catch them saying the words "I'm sorry" if they don't think the situation requires it. You're someone who knows exactly when you're at fault and when you're not.
You would rather avoid taking on any unnecessary guilt just to appease others. Also, when you're constantly apologizing, it can take the value away from the action. Soon, people won't believe you're actually sorry at all. Being intentional with your response means people will know when you're being heartfelt and genuine rather than just being performative.
6. Calling out injustice in the moment
fizkes | Shutterstock
This can sometimes be perceived as being too harsh or confrontational, but being someone with extreme emotional intelligence means you can't just stand back while injustice of any kind is happening in front of your face. Being able to address unfairness or any kind of harmful behavior the moment it happens is much better than letting it fester and grow.
By being able to speak up in real time, you're able to prevent a situation from escalating into something worse and ensure that the behavior doesn't happen again. Emotionally intelligent individuals know that injustice can affect so many people at one time. It may be uncomfortable to call out someone's micro-aggression or offensive language, but the issues won't go away unless they're confronted directly.
7. Not pretending to be interested
True Touch Lifestyle | Shutterstock
Having to feign interest in every single conversation can be exhausting for people with extreme emotional intelligence, even if refusing to do so may come off as being rude. In reality, they would much rather give their attention to conversations that are important to them. These people recognize their own limits when it comes to their attention and interest. They don't want to overextend themselves just to please others.
Having to constantly pretend will only lead to feeling burned out and even resentment for the other person. By being honest about their tolerance for certain conversations, they're able to form much deeper connections that matter to them. It might not be something the average person can understand or even accept, but it's just how emotionally intelligent people conserve their energy.
8. Walking away from arguments
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock
People might automatically assume that just because you're walking away from an argument, you're trying to be avoidant. But, emotionally intelligent people understand when a conversation is no longer productive. Once they realize that, they prioritize calm over chaos, which sometimes helps preserve a relationship rather than getting into a pointless fight.
"When a passionate dispute arises, often only two resolution options are available — fight the opponent or avoid the discussion," said law expert Craig Barkacs.
Sometimes emotions are just running way too high, and by taking a step back rather than adding fuel to the fire, it can help prevent saying something you might regret. Emotionally intelligent people are never ones to run away from conflict, but they are also good at picking their battles. And there are just some battles where walking away is the best way to diffuse tensions and keep people from falling out over something that isn't important to fall out over.
9. Not pretending to like everyone
voronaman | Shutterstock
You might come off as being snobby when in reality, you're just someone who refuses to like someone if you don't feel like they're someone you want to cultivate a relationship with. People with high emotional intelligence understand that genuine relationships are built purely on being authentic with someone. They're not about to sit and force a connection with someone because it'll appease other people.
"By trying to please everyone, we end up pleasing no one—ourselves included. Expectations are an illusion. That’s why most people don’t live the life they want. They feel frustrated and disappointed," explained leadership consultant Gustavo Razzetti.
It has to make them happy as well. They know their preferences and the kinds of things they want in both friendships and romantic relationships. They will never try to mask them just to gain approval. Considering they're the opposite of people-pleasers, they're simply not thinking about anyone else's life but their own, and if a relationship serves them or not.
10. Calling out passive aggression
ViDI Studio | Shutterstock
The second an emotionally intelligent person finds themselves on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment or the silent treatment, they'll quickly call that behavior out. It can sometimes feel confrontational to others, but they would rather call out passive aggression that's happening right in front of them than just pretend it hasn't happened at all.
"Passive-aggressive people, as frustrating as they are, are just like everybody else. At their core, they just want love and approval. And while they sure make it hard to get past their prickles, with some simple strategies, you can help them behave better around you," encouraged clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen.
They're not overly rude about it either. In fact, they're usually quite calm and collected because they genuinely want to focus on some kind of resolution rather than trying to punish the other person. Being able to address passive-aggressiveness means they won't let it continue on and on until it boils over and results in a big, dramatic blowout.
11. Giving tough love when necessary
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
Highly emotionally intelligent people rarely try to come off as being insensitive when they're giving someone a good dose of tough love. In fact, it means they care about someone way too much to allow them to continue living in ignorance of a situation that's clearly affecting them negatively. They know when someone is ready to hear the truth and when their guidance can actually change the outcome in the best way possible.
Tough love is never about trying to assert control over someone else's decision-making, but about holding people accountable because you want to see them do better. Sometimes people just need help seeing the consequences of their actions in a constructive way rather than being told they're in the right and they've done absolutely nothing wrong.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
