I’m A Boomer Who Finally Embraced The Sleep Divorce Because, At My Age, Comfort Comes First
perfectwave | CanvaAt a monthly meeting, Jan (not her real name) was unusually quiet. When our business concluded, someone asked her if she was OK. She answered by blurting out that she had made an "executive decision" that morning. She had told her husband of 43 years that she wanted to move out of their bedroom and into their guest room.
She went on to explain how her husband was shocked, and he exploded on her by saying his parents had shared the same bed for the entire 48 years of their marriage, and that’s what he expects too.
None of us quite knew what to say, as several of us had already stopped sleeping in the same bed with our spouses without any marital hiccups occurring. I felt Jan’s situation was a one-off, but it showed the ugly side that can occur when a spouse makes this decision.
I’m a Boomer who finally embraced a sleep divorce because, at my age, comfort comes first
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As Baby Boomers, most of us had parents who shared their marital bed until death did them part.
Our parents got married in the 1930s to 50s, a time when traditional marriage was very much the norm, and that meant it upheld many time-honored practices like sharing the marital bed until death do us part.
We all know Jan's husband, George, is a staunch traditionalist who won’t cook, clean, or do any other duties he thinks come under his wife’s domain. Casual conversations between sisters had revealed this fact long ago, and many of us felt sorry for her because of her revelations.
We supported her decision by sharing some of our thoughts regarding this issue, along with personal stories of our own sleeping arrangements, which we hoped would make her feel validated. By the time the meeting ended, Jan did seem to be more relaxed about her decision, and she said she was resolved to make it happen.
It seems dear George is a roller when he sleeps and has even unconsciously pushed Jan out of the bed sometimes, which she wants to stop. Before she left, we wished her luck.
This entire issue of whether or not to continue sharing a bed with your spouse seems very old-fashioned to me, even though most of us had parents who did it without any complaints. Maybe this is just one of the reasons why the generation before us is labeled as “The Silent Generation.”
I moved out of our bedroom and into our guest room several years ago.
He got to keep what he wanted, which was our queen bed, even though the mattress needed replacing, but he still loved it, while I didn’t. My decision meant we had to buy a new bed, and I opted for an extra-wide, extra-long, single adjustable bed that I’ve grown to love.
I have a hiatal hernia, so I need to sleep somewhat elevated, which meant trying to sleep on lots of pillows in the bed we shared, which didn’t always work out well.
The trade-off is that I no longer wake up repeatedly during the night when he has to get up to use the bathroom, and he can sleep with a night-light on if he wants to, while I don’t want any light in the bedroom. Also, I don’t have to try and try to fall asleep to the sound of his C-Pap machine hissing.
There are many reasons why couples choose a sleep divorce, especially in their senior years.
Most of these reasons have nothing to do with intimacy. By the time we are in our senior years, most of us don’t have intimacy front and center in our minds anymore, so being comfortable moves up to take its place as our main concern, and this includes in the bedroom. Health issues take over, and it’s not uncommon for couples to have to make adjustments for these that include sleeping apart.
Sleeping apart certainly doesn’t mean or represent that a couple has stopped loving each other. Intimacy doesn’t have to wait until bedtime, either, or even that it has to take place in a bed at all.
Although I can’t recommend the back seat of a vehicle, there’s nothing wrong with blankets on the floor in front of the fireplace, right? After all, we are only limited by our imaginations.
Pam Winter is a Medium writer who has written three fiction books plus a novel.
