10 Distinct Things Women Were Taught To Do In Life That Actually Destroy Their Peace
Rocketclips, Inc. | ShutterstockWhile social norms and patriarchal expectations tend to harm both men and women, men are often disproportionately affected throughout their lifespans and daily lives by unrealistic standards.
Whether it's being agreeable or ignoring their gut instincts, there are distinct things women were taught to do in life that actually destroy their peace. Modern discourse and discussions have started to address these norms and combat the consequences they've caused for generations of women, on top of the legacy work of feminists everywhere. However, many continue to thrive under the surface of conversations, interactions, and lifestyles.
Here are 10 distinct things women were taught to do in life that actually destroy their peace
1. Always be generous
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While it might seem counterintuitive, women who are socialized into believing they're more generous and socially advantaged compared to their male counterparts often have hidden costs, according to a University of Michigan study. From creating guilt around personal boundaries to shifting the way they're perceived in environments like the workplace, an expectation of generosity is often a lesson that ends up disturbing their peace.
Especially when they enter roles in the workplace or at home, like becoming a parent, this innate pressure to be generous often manifests itself in people-pleasing behaviors. So, it's no surprise that mothers and women are often at risk of more chronic stress and burnout than men, because they've been socialized to take on more tasks and "selfless" activities.
2. Seek validation and reassurance from men
In history, women needed male approval, validation, and attention to survive in the world, so it's not surprising that generations of women have carried on the life lesson of male reassurance. From shifting into agreeable attitudes, dressing for the "male gaze," and even prioritizing relationships with men in their lives over friends, themselves, and careers, this need for validation looks different from person to person, but still pervades women's peace.
Modern movements to "decenter" men are rooted in this life lesson that so many have been socialized into. While it might offer immediate comfort or make someone feel seen to seek it out, if they've centered their self-worth around male validation, it's throwing off their sense of self-confidence in intense ways.
3. Tolerate misbehavior from boys and men
Part of the reason why women are thought to be more forgiving than men is that they were taught to give grace instead of standing up for themselves. Instead of calling out bad behavior and speaking openly about their struggles, our society has urged them to suppress their concerns to "protect the peace" of the people, usually men, around them.
In many ways, small, seemingly insignificant phrases like "boys will be boys" and "if he's mean to you, he likes you" have socialized young girls into this mentality. They've been taught to forgive and forget misbehavior, even when it comes at their own expense, for the approval and comfort of the boys and men around them.
4. Be quiet and agreeable
Considering women's voices are often deemed "emotional" and therefore "irrational" in comparison to a man's logical, reasonable, and rational mind, it's not surprising that many have been socialized into self-silencing. When men are around, or they have something to say, they've adopted silence and agreeableness as second nature.
In some cases, their quietness is an admirable superpower, but when the roles are switched, and women adopt a similar kind of assertiveness as their male counterparts, they're demonized for breaking the social script with labels like "aggressive" and "rude."
5. Over-explain decisions and feelings
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When women are so easily judged and labelled as inferior or irrational in our society, over-explaining decisions and over-apologizing for feelings comes as a second-nature instinct. They're adopting the need to explain themselves as a defense mechanism for feeling less than everyone around them, as a result of their misguided life lessons, even when it prompts uncertainty and insecurity.
When it comes to over-apologizing, even if it offers a bit of fleeting respite, it tends to leave women feeling more self-conscious and isolated by placing emotional burdens on everyone around them. They believe they have something to be "sorry" for, without doing anything wrong, and that stems from the misleading, misguided messages they've been fed since childhood.
6. Worry about everyone else's opinions
Instead of having the freedom and support to care for themselves and center their self-worth around their own well-being and confidence, many women feel pressured to constantly worry about how they're being perceived by others.
Whether it's at the hands of generational attitudes around male validation, harmful beauty standards, or expectations for women to appease others, they're always thinking about external opinions, instead of their own. Especially when other people's judgments and perceptions of us are often far less extreme than what our anxious minds tell us, these attitudes tend to be far more harmful to women than supportive.
7. Conform to trends and rigid boxes
Unrealistic body images and beauty standards often disproportionately harm women, according to a study from Personality and Individual Differences, pushing them farther from a genuine relationship with themselves and their authenticity. Despite the research, social media, social norms, and generational attitudes toward women continue to urge them to conform to trends and shape themselves into rigid boxes.
Especially in today's world, where so many are struggling through an epidemic of loneliness and social isolation, the allure of fitting in by following trends and chasing unrealistic beauty standards is more prevalent than ever before. Many women feel a misguided sense of belonging from conforming, even if it takes away from the ease and joy of honest authenticity.
8. Chase closure from people who don't deserve it
Many women are constantly urged to seek approval from men, whether it's in the workplace with co-workers or in romantic relationships. Even when being around a toxic partner harms their well-being and lowers their emotional strength, social norms urge them to seek closure at the expense of their health.
Despite having the power to seek forgiveness and end a relationship on their own terms, protecting their well-being, they're often urged to seek some subjective, elusive kind of "closure" that allows access into their lives. They go back to the same people and create windows of space for toxic people to weave back into their lives, all for the sake of closure they're probably never going to get.
9. Tolerate the bare minimum
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There's a reason why women often report more issues in their relationships with men than their male counterparts. Collectively, as a society, we expect more and have higher expectations for women, especially in romantic relationships. From expecting women to do all the emotional labor and manage invisible work to upholding physical standards that drain well-being, they're expected to do the most and get little to nothing in return.
Especially now that women are often working and earning the same, if not more, than the men in their households, old expectations on the divisions of labor don't make sense. And yet, most women are burning themselves out trying to fit traditional standards with little to no help.
10. Ignore their intuition
Despite being naturally wired internally for quick, intuitive decisions, society often urges women to encourage more rigid, logical thinking patterns to match the male-centric standard. Despite having the power to lean into vulnerability and emotional expression, they're socialized into quietness and shifting to be agreeable in a male-dominated world.
Even if intuition and following their gut instincts are what they're healthily wired to do, they're often encouraged to sabotage trust with themselves and lean into less helpful modes of thinking to appease others' expectations.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
