Expert Says Kind Men Without Close Friends Often Share An Invisible Pattern That Keeps Them Isolated
Barbara Olsen | PexelsKind men without close friends are a breed unto themselves. They share a pattern of prioritizing being helpful over being vulnerable, which research has suggested can impact lifelong health.
Kind men without close friends show up for others, offer support, and are reliably present, but rarely ask for help or open up deeply. This gives them a sense of safety, because they're valued for what they provide rather than who they are inside, but it can also hurt their ability to make meaningful, long-term friendships with other men.
Kind men without close friends often share an invisible pattern that keeps them isolated:
1. They learn the pattern
This dynamic of being helpful more than being vulnerable typically starts in childhood, especially when gruff dads and other authority figures tell them to toughen up and do what they're told. Research has shown "there are distinct differences in the psychological development of boys and girls." Boys generally have more problems in their teen years and into adulthood because of difficulties in handling emotions during early childhood.
The study explained that society, parents, and teachers' influences shape gender identity during early development, and can lead to problems later in life if boys are not taught how to handle their emotions during childhood. Emotional suppression that men learn in their youth becomes a heavily defended border as adults.
2. They embrace the pattern
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By adulthood, many have internalized the belief that their value lies in what they do for people. They have genuine kindness in wanting to be there for other people and help provide for physical needs. Yet it is also a kindness of subtle control, so they keep a distance from displaying any emotional needs.
"Men appear to get most of their support from female partners, and little from their male friends," said one study, explaining how the pattern usually works. Men tend to be indirect about their problems because of the risk of perceived vulnerability, fear, and denial. When men do seek help, it's usually for specific problems rather than more general concerns.
Some of the common barriers many men face involve traditional social roles, having a sense of immunity and immortality, and difficulty relinquishing control. Overall, whether seeking help from professionals or from friends, men tend to believe asking for help is unacceptable.
3. They become the pattern
By helping others, they feel better about themselves. Doing favors, helping with chores, volunteering, and being there for someone else make them feel strong. Research on traditional gender roles showed how men are taught that helping others is heroic and chivalrous, whereas women are shown how helping others is nurturing and caring." Men's help is often offered in the context of short-term encounters with strangers. Women generally offer help in long-term, close relationships, further explaining the impact on men's ability to develop and maintain close friendships.
For a lot of men, one hand beckons others to come closer with genuine kindness and a desire to help. Meanwhile, the other hand shoos people away if they dare to get too emotionally close. We might observe these actions as another seemingly inherent contradiction. Yet, it signifies a deeper cycle of social disconnect and yearning.
4. They are reinforced by the pattern
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Being thanked and praised brings the pleasure full circle. Most men are craving acknowledgement but guarding against vulnerability.
A study explored how gender affects a person's response to being thanked for a favor: Most men feel they gain social status when a person requests help and thanks them for it. The directness of the request influences his reaction when he is thanked for his help. For men, gratitude is influenced by social hierarchy, and responding to being thanked is viewed as a way to reinforce social control or status, a pattern not typically observed in women.
5. They habitually repeat the pattern
The pattern causes many men to control the relationship and avoid the risk of rejection that comes with intimacy. The consistent pushing away helps protect them against expressions of vulnerability because vulnerability is seen as weakness, and weakness means an inability to provide.
Being emotionally guarded protects against having to suppress emotions by not having to feel them at all. The guard holds around their emotions, draws a line in the sand to tell others, "don't get too close." The line can be held for friends and family.
For a lot of men, the line was first drawn in early childhood, and others were dared to cross it at their own peril. The line quickly became a fence, and only a few would be invited to the other side. With time and repetition, the fence became a wall, the wall became a border, and the border became a prison of loneliness that traps their genuine kindness from helping themselves.
Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D., is a board-certified therapist who focuses on helping adults overcome both functional and emotional problems from a progressive perspective.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
