A Man Once Told Me 'You Always Seem So Happy' And I Realized I’ve Been Performing That Smile For Most Of My Adult Life
Fizkes | CanvaIt happened in the middle of a perfectly ordinary conversation. A man looked at me and said, almost admiringly, "You always seem so happy." I smiled back automatically, the same easy smile I'd been giving people for years, but something about the comment landed differently this time.
On the outside, I probably did seem cheerful, but something about the comment landed differently this time. On the outside, I probably did seem cheerful, calm, even upbeat.
But in the moment I realized something uncomfortable: I've been performing happiness for most of my adult life.
Are women happier than their male counterparts? I don't think so. But women are certainly better at performing happiness.
David Geary, PhD, professor of psychological sciences at the University of Missouri, concluded that, "Females use language more when they compete. They gossip, manipulate information." And from what I gather, women compete for the good men, and will be fake to try to get one. But let me tell you, nobody wins in relationships when feelings don't match up with pretend smiles.
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Women can use their highly developed emotional brains to trick themselves.
We're so good at it, we almost believe it. We pretend to be happy to please men, even if we're displeased. Women are masters of disguise, but don't need a phony pair of glasses with a plastic nose and mustache. All we need is red lipstick to make the fake words seem prettier.
The softer of the genders are queens of hiding the unappealing parts of themselves with beautiful dresses, necklaces, and flowery words that don't match their real emotions. When we speak with fabricated feelings, we are doing ourselves and the world a huge disservice. I know this is true because I used to live in make-believe happiness.
During my marriage, I put on a counterfeit smile because that was what I thought I was supposed to do. I also bought a $1,500 couch, thinking that would make our relationship look better. But after one month, the couch was covered in fuzzballs, and my inability to communicate my real feelings ended up in a broken marriage and a broken family. The separation did crack my heart open, so the light had a way to get in.
People were shocked about the breakup, and one friend's mouth was gaping open in disbelief. I had everyone duped, until now. Our friends and family thought our relationship was fine and dandy because I always pretended to be happy.
As a woman, I didn't know how not to fake happiness.
The 10-year buildup of stuffing down my feelings led me to a breaking point. The pain was too much to bear, and I was finally openly unhappy. Depression was one of the biggest gifts in my life because it helped me realize that I didn't want to feel that way anymore. I had to work out the kinks with therapy, healing sessions, and learning what feelings really felt like.
During one of my counseling sessions, my therapist asked, "How does this make you feel?" I said, "What do you mean?" I was so out of touch with myself that I really had no idea. She pulled out a piece of paper with a list of emotions like: afraid, vulnerable, confused, sad, and embarrassed, so I could pick and choose.
None of the words were pretty. I selected the ones that seemed right, and I had to learn what it meant to feel because I had been numb for so long.
Dina Colada is an author, speaker, and dating coach who specializes in helping single women navigate the modern world of online dating. Her work has appeared on sites like Prevention, MSN, Women’s Health, Plenty of Fish, and Zoosk.
