The Older I Get, The Less I Care What People Think And It’s The Freest I’ve Ever Felt
Carolin Voelker | CanvaMy first year of college was basically terrible. I'd left a small, highly religious town in the Midwest for a very liberal East Coast college. I was supposed to fit in there. I was a short-haired, Doc Marten-wearing feminist, and was sick of being considered the girl who could be pretty if she just stopped being so opinionated. I planned to be exactly who I was in college, surrounded by others who were just like me.
When I got there, I felt like I stood out even more. I was relatively unsophisticated, public school-educated, and in comparison, quite mainstream in my Gap jeans and 10,000 Maniacs concert tees. It wasn't until two decades later that I realized the problem was never my surroundings. It was me.
Despite claiming to be the girl who didn't care what anyone thought of her, I was actually the girl who noticed every single thing that made her different. The girl who felt every person's judgment and took it personally. But now, every single year I get older, the less I care about other people's opinions of how I live my life.
The older I get, the less I care what people think, and it’s the freest I’ve ever felt:
1. The older I get, the more I embrace my style
Photo by Centre for Ageing Better on Unsplash
After my babies were born, I felt ashamed anytime I perceived myself to be out of style compared to my hip, non-mom friends. I'd had a few very fashionable years, but I no longer had the time (or budget) for that. Then one of my trendiest, most fashionable friends said nine words that changed my life: "If it looks good on you, it's good fashion."
Yes! For too many years after moving to Los Angeles, I've been worried about looking stylish. But it's been four years since I picked up a fashion magazine (which is also a great way to stop feeling bad about your body), and I haven't looked back. I wear what I want, what I think looks good on me, and forget the rest. Don't like what I'm wearing? Too bad.
2. The older I get, the more I stop defining myself by who's attracted to me
Photo by Alan Morales on Unsplash
This is one of the hardest things to admit, but I know I'm not alone. For so much of my life, my main source of power, and even a part of my sense of identity, came from who was in love with me. With my first real love, who was very intelligent, I felt like my intelligence was validated by the fact that he chose me. With another ex, I felt like I must have been stylish and beautiful because he was creative and all about the visual.
This continued in a zillion transfigurations until I got married. That was when I had a major crisis, because without being able to be with more than one person over the rest of my life, I didn't know how to find a sense of who I was, or get that self-esteem boost. When your self-esteem is that unstable, one guy alone (no matter how great) cannot satisfy your need for validation.
And so I did a lot of work on myself, and over time, it became easier and easier to see myself for who I was. The freedom that comes with leaving that behind is probably the best feeling of all. I only wish I'd figured it out decades ago.
3. The older I get, the more I know I'm pretty smart
Photo by George Dagerotip on Unsplash
The downfall of being a cute little girl is that people generally focus on the fact that you're pretty and ignore the rest. I'm not saying I was some supermodel, or that cuteness is some form of oppression, but I was the type of girl who got attention primarily for how I looked.
As a result, nobody seemed to worry when my grades fell, and there was little concern for my education, even when I didn't show up for my SAT in high school. An adult even once told me I'd land on my feet because I'd find a great husband. Wait, what?
The truth was, school was hard for me because I had serious issues paying attention. Sitting still was basically torture, and my mind constantly wandered. I was disorganized and couldn't remember anything. But nobody ever said a thing.
It wasn't until I dropped out of college and eventually transferred into UCLA in my mid-twenties that I realized I might actually have a functioning brain. And it wasn't until my late thirties that I realized I might be pretty smart.
That's when I really started loving life. I didn't care whether someone thought I was stuck-up or nerdy for spouting facts or giving my opinion. I'm smart, and if you don't like that, it's not my problem.
4. The older I get, the more I realize it's okay to upset men
Photo by Anthony McKissic on Unsplash
For too many years, I believed that all men had to like me. Yes, that's pretty toxic thinking. I don't know if it came from fear of the consequences of a guy disliking me (physical or social), or if it was just a part of what society had taught me my whole life, but I felt like if I couldn't define myself as a "guy's girl" I would be lost.
Even when I fervently disagreed with a guy or thought he was a bad person, some twisted, weird part of me was terrified he would stop liking me, so I was always very appeasing. It was exhausting, and I couldn't continue. After all, being an opinionated woman means you're going to make a lot of men angry. And that's OK. I think everyone would agree that these days, I have no fear of displeasing men!
5. The older I get, the more I'm at home in my body
Photo by Susanna Marsiglia on Unsplash
I spent 25 years feeling like my body was failing me in some way. Whether it was size, shape, or performance, I never thought it was good enough.
But after years of battling disordered eating and body image, I found peace.
For years, after I had kids, I felt like people were thinking I shouldn't be wearing a bikini or looking at my "imperfect" belly. Over time, and with a commitment to not caring what they thought, I try to focus on thanking my body for sticking in there with me, even when I was kind of a jerk to it.
In fact, in the last few years, I've kind of found myself. Sometimes I catch sight of my butt in a reflection and think, "Yesssss...." My butt isn't better than it was; I just kinda love it now. And I don't care if anyone thinks I'm full of myself. Being full of love for yourself, even if it's just for passing moments, is a great thing.
6. The older I get, the more I figure out whose opinions matter and whose don't
Photo by Samuell Morgenstern on Unsplash
Not caring what other people think doesn't mean you start living totally selfishly and decide to forget everyone else. The best way to not care is to actually give more importance to the opinions of people you respect, and let everyone else fall away.
For me, that means being less defensive when people I care about, whose opinions I truly value, challenge me. Because I don't let everyone's opinions get to me, I'm better able to handle being called out when I'm acting like a jerk or doing something problematic.
Ignoring everyone is a recipe for becoming an entitled scoundrel with no friends. The real freedom comes from knowing who matters, and who doesn't.
Joanna Schroeder is a writer, editor, and media critic whose work has appeared in The New York Times, The Boston Globe, and more. She is co-author of the best-selling book Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow into Confident, Caring Young Men. She publishes weekly on Substack.
