The One Thing Standing Between Most People And Happiness Is Surprisingly Personal
finwal89 | ShutterstockOne of the first things we’re taught as little kids is to use our words. And, once we start talking, it’s a lifelong lesson in how to be polite and treat other people the way that we’d want to be treated.
The way we address and speak to others is a huge part of maturing into adulthood, and it is constantly reinforced to speak to others with kindness. Yet, even with all this kindness in words being shared, finding happiness isn't easy.
Anyone who truly embraces being happy eventually has to overcome a surprisingly personal obstacle: They have to get over themselves
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That sounds like a joke, but seriously, take a moment to consider how we talk to ourselves. Research has found that hearing your own voice activates memory and self-reflection areas in the brain. The same areas are not activated when others speak positively to you. This helps make positive self-talk a useful tool to help you let go of negative thought patterns while better regulating your emotions.
Happiness primarily stems from how we talk to ourselves
Many of our earliest lessons in life stem from how we talk and relate to one another, so it’s no surprise we’re taught to say please and thank you and refer kindly to strangers. But there aren't many lessons about how you should talk to and perceive yourself. You can end up leading yourself into perpetual criticism of everything you do, something people who are truly happy with themselves don't practice. In other words, you’re trash-talking yourself, and that has got to stop.
I read Thérèse Jacobs-Stewart’s eye-opening book, A Kinder Voice, and was fascinated by her description of how our inner dialogue creates a destructive viewpoint we come to rely on as the truth. “Each time we run a mental narrative, such as I’m not cute enough, skinny enough, smart enough, or good enough, neurons are etching a pathway in the brain,” says Jacobs-Stewart.
These neural pathways sometimes feel so strong that we think they are etched into our own brains, that the words we’ve stated to ourselves about ourselves are true. We are using repetition to create a negative self-image, which makes us view ourselves poorly. I’m sure you can imagine what that does for your self-esteem.
A study explored how you set yourself up for unhappiness when you consistently reinforce feeling bad about yourself. This makes you lose confidence, and a loss of confidence can damage your ability to socialize, which then makes you feel more anxious and even worse about yourself.
Happy people are more confident in their thoughts
They treat themselves with love and kindness. It can be difficult to realize that loving ourselves for who we are is an area where many people fail. But if you want to be happy, you're going to have to learn to turn that noise off.
Tempering your inner voice may not come easily because there's no one to stop you from mental rhetoric and insulting yourself. If you want to be truly happy, you have to stop constantly tearing yourself down, which is difficult but not impossible.
Throughout A Kinder Voice, Jacobs-Stewart details this fight to regain control of her inner critics and shows how anyone can learn to do the same. For her, it was easy to imagine love for another, but when asked to project that same love toward herself, she stumbled hard:
“The image that came to me was of a plant that is all dried out and unable to soak in fluids. Water sits on top because the soil is too hard and dry to absorb the nutrients. That was my heart, too guarded, too afraid to take in loving-kindness toward myself. My inner critic ruled with the words You are not good enough.”
Research has suggested the first step is to notice what starts your self-critical voice. Often, feelings of shame or frustration get the harsh voice rambling in your mind. But recognizing how you are treating yourself and talking to yourself like a friend is the best way to get back to a happier life.
Everyone deserves happiness that comes from without and within, but only you can provide inner acceptance
Be aware of when you’re putting yourself down. Don’t just accept what your inner critic says. In reading A Kinder Voice, I became aware of some proven ways to control those destructive thoughts. One of the methods Jacobs-Stewart advocates and teaches is unbelievably simple. Meditation to make ourselves mindful of what we’re saying and thinking.
Think about how you would deal with someone you love when they’re hurting. Would you hurl insults when they mess up? Belittle them? Yell for no reason? No? Then why do it to yourself?
Don’t listen to the critics who whisper you’re not good enough. You will never know just how far you can get and how happy you can be unless you embrace yourself wholly. So you’re going to have to start treating yourself like the wonderful person you really are. We could all stand to be a little nicer to ourselves.
Merethe Najjar is a professional writer, editor, and award-winning fiction author. Her articles have been featured in The Aviator Magazine, Infinite Press, Yahoo, BRIDES, and more.
