21 People With Difficult Childhoods Share The Small Things They Do As Adults Because Of Their Trauma
Gabe Pierce | UnsplashA child’s sense of safety depends on how safe their caregivers are. Traumatic moments in childhood can be complex and prolonged, or acute and instantaneous. No matter how a child experiences trauma while growing up, they’ll likely carry some aspect of it into adulthood.
The USA is a traumatized nation. Research led by the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health said, "Nearly half of all children in the United States are exposed to at least one social or family experience that can lead to traumatic stress and impact their healthy development, increasing the risk of negative long-term health consequences or of falling behind in school." So, a thread on Reddit asked a serious question to the forum’s followers regarding how people’s traumatic childhood experiences: How has childhood trauma affected you as an adult in a specific way, and when did you realize you had it?
21 people with difficult childhoods share the small things they do as adults because of their trauma:
1. Second-guessing and asking for permission
Both of these behaviors can stem from childhood trauma. One person shared that their trauma manifested in adulthood as not trusting their own intuition. They explained the need to constantly “[ask] for permission to do anything literally, double-checking that I was doing the right thing, and always second-guessing myself, like to an abnormal level.”
"When you’ve been traumatized as a child, it lives deep inside you, and the simple clues that your trauma still affects you come out in relationship issues and poor self-esteem," said psychologist Sandra E. Cohen, Ph.D. "The memories, even if pushed away and not conscious, are etched into your behaviors, in your relationship struggles, and into your not-so-good self-esteem. Many traumatized children feel they’ve always been on their own and do the best they can to work things out for themselves."
2. Being toxically independent
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Another way trauma can express itself is by having trouble trusting others and feeling trepidation about relying on others to have your needs met. “I have an extremely hard time asking for help because I’ve never had it,” said someone on the thread.
"Growing up, you knew, even though it was perhaps never said out loud, that you were essentially on your own," pointed out Dr. Jonice Webb, Ph.D. "Problem with a teacher? You solved it. Conflict with a friend? You figured it out yourself. Your childhood was a training ground for self-sufficiency. Now, as an adult, you prefer to do things yourself. Because you're so very competent, the great thing is that, for the most part, you can.
3. Putting other people's needs first
“I do not prioritize myself, be it in health, time, or necessities,” someone else shared. “Everyone else in my life is ahead of me in the queue” for being cared for. Sometimes, being overly helpful can be harmful, as one person explained.
“Being helpful allows me to be present without being a target. Being helpful allows me to avoid my own problems because I’m too busy helping everyone else with theirs,” they said. “Being helpful allows me to feel valuable instead of expendable.”
4. Being overly apologetic
Saying sorry for taking up space can be a sign that you weren’t allowed to do so in childhood, and rewiring that part of your brain that lets you know you’re enough can be really challenging work.
Apologizing for everything can be an indicator of deeply held shame from childhood trauma. A study looked at the relationship between childhood trauma and shame and found that early trauma can cause a child to lose touch with reality and detach from what is happening to them. This dissociation usually makes self-blame and shame worse and carries into adulthood.
5. Being hyper-aware of your surroundings
One person described how being constantly on edge due to childhood trauma made them hypervigilant in adulthood. They said, “I listen for footsteps, doors opening and closing, people’s voices, water running in the pipes, cars pulling into the driveway, on and on.” They explained being super-alert as a coping mechanism, saying, “As a kid, I needed to know who was in my house and what they were doing.”
Their experience highlighted how patterns we develop as kids to protect ourselves can become harmful to us later on in life. Resetting our nervous systems is never easy, but with professional guidance, it can be done, giving us a life of greater ease and a sense of feeling safe.
6. Always being prepared for the worst-case scenario
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One way of dealing with trauma can be to always expect something bad to happen. This plays into the feeling of hypervigilance and lack of control over your own surroundings.
As one person shared, they’re always “overthinking [and] predicting for and preparing for worst-case scenarios. Being stuck in a fight-or-flight reaction can wreak havoc on your sense of safety and general well-being.
7. Feeling like an inconvenience
Someone else discussed another interplay of childhood trauma and taking up space: The sense that they’re an inconvenience to others, which leads them to apologize for just being present.
A study explored the effect of childhood trauma on a sense of belonging to show how early experiences can lead to problems with feeling connected to others. If someone experienced trauma as a child, finding ways to build a sense of belonging in adulthood can reduce the impact of always feeling like an inconvenience to others.
8. Being overly affected by others' emotions
Being empathetic is usually a good trait to have, but if you find you’re in tune with other people’s emotions in a way that makes it hard to regulate your own emotions, it can be a sign of trauma that’s carried over from childhood into adulthood.
“Being hyper-aware of anyone experiencing negative emotions” is one way that people can have residual trauma. This feeling ties into being the peacekeeper; as one person described, “feeling someone else’s anger or depression very severely and feeling as though I have to be the one to calm things down and keep the peace.”
9. Having heightened responses to difficult situations
Feeling stuck in a loop of fight-flight-freeze-fawn response can be a sign of leftover trauma. Someone explained that they have a major “adrenaline dump at the slightest hint of conflict.”
Our bodies store our memories. It’s totally common for trauma to live in our physical responses, yet there exist certain healing modalities, like somatic therapies, that can help ease people’s pain and discomfort.
10. Difficulty accepting love at face value
A 54-year-old man shared, “I always have it in the back of my mind that anyone who says they love me has an ulterior motive.” As sad as this is, it’s fairly common, especially for people who were taught that love is a finite resource, and a conditional one, at that.
Psychotherapist JoDee Liebman advised, "It makes sense that if something from your past feels bad, your body’s going to forevermore avoid reliving it at all costs. However, in doing so, your body is likely preventing the good from happening, along with the bad, and this can impact your romantic relationships as an adult, too. Once you realize how trauma from your past can affect your relationships today, you can begin dismantling outdated brain circuitry and make room for new internal wiring that’ll surge more efficiently toward a wholesome outcome."
11. Being a people-pleaser
“I people-please at all times,” said another person. “I thought I was kind, but I’m actually trying to be as agreeable as possible out of fear.”
"This person is always trying to cheer people up," explained couples counselor Todd Creager. "Their role is to regulate everyone else’s emotions, even to the detriment of themselves. Like the co-dependent, they do not let others go through the normal pains of life. The placater is a people-pleaser who avoids conflict and can be overly agreeable even if he or she deep down disagrees. There is a time to be responsible and to placate, but people in these roles are not choosing these behaviors. They are automatic."
12. Overjustifying every decision
One person shared that they grew up having to explain themselves thoroughly to be seen as valid, saying, “If I didn’t explain things as far as being absent, feeling sick, or needing to go to the doctor, if I didn’t have a good enough explanation, I was completely disregarded.”
13. Experiencing insecure or anxious attachment
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Another person revealed that their trauma led them to become “overly attached to people way [too] quickly, which usually pushes them away and just destroys me over and over again.”
Attachment theory describes what helps infants survive by forming strong bonds with caregivers. Attachment shapes how a child's brain develops to handle emotions and understand social interaction. Childhood attachment creates a pattern for future relationships. Finding ways to feel securely attached is a skill that can be learned through professional guidance and mental health support.
14. Having a hard time hearing criticism
If you were harshly judged as a child, it’s entirely possible that taking constructive critique, even when it’s offered in a gentle and supportive way, can feel like a major struggle.
One person shared that they felt major self-doubt and a need for constant outside affirmation as a result of their trauma. “I find it difficult to have patience with myself while I struggle to learn or pick up new things,” they explained.
15. Having a self-deprecating sense of humor
Being able to laugh at ourselves is a skill, but having a darkly self-deprecating sense of humor can be a sign of residual trauma, as though you’re trying to tease yourself before others can hurt you. As one person said, “I realized recently that a lot of the cruel things that were said to me have embedded themselves into my regular vocabulary under the guise of self-deprecating humor."
Being gentle with ourselves isn’t easy, especially in the wake of generational trauma, but we can all try to speak to ourselves the way we’d speak to people we love, and offer ourselves grace to be imperfect.
16. Being easily startled
A major sign of holding trauma is feeling on edge or uneasy, like something bad is always about to happen, because your body is trained to expect the worst. One study explained how, "After a frightening or horrible experience, some people can’t get it out of their mind. They may lose interest in other people or activities, they may not sleep well, and they may become very jumpy and easily startled or frightened. "
17. Hating physical touch
One person reflected on how hard it was for them to accept affection, noting, “After much contemplation, I realized I didn’t trust anyone enough to make myself vulnerable, even for a hug.” The life-altering impact of a difficult childhood can feel overwhelming, but you can grow around the issues.
"All of this information can change your world if you consciously decide to practice your healthy coping behaviors, even in stressful times," recommended life coach Polly Wirum. "The more you choose your healthy coping skills, the sooner they will become familiar and comforting. One day, you will notice that you are using self-care skills you didn’t have decades ago, and that's very healing."
18. Having a hard time accepting failure
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People carrying trauma can feel like they have to be perfect and infallible to avoid harsh and often emotionally or physically abusive responses from the adults in their lives. The challenge is to find ways to change the harsh critic that is not your true inner voice.
"You can retrain your brain to quiet those inner voices driving your perfectionism and find a more empowering dialogue with yourself," advised confidence coach Michele Molitor. "No matter how many years you’ve been plagued with these levels of toxic perfectionism, you can learn to adopt new perspectives that enable you to give something your best while not becoming all-consuming."
19. Lying by default
One person shared they worry they’ve become a pathological liar as a way to protect themselves. “I can’t seem to stop,” they revealed. “I fear the damage is becoming irreversible.”
People with trauma often develop maladaptive coping strategies, techniques that help at the moment but can cause harm in the long run. Recognizing these habits is the first step toward understanding and changing them for the better. Research on the lingering effect of childhood maladaptive coping showed that people with an adverse childhood experience can find different and healthier ways to handle stress as adults.
20. Being very quiet
“I move very quietly,” said someone else. “That’s a skill you learn when you grow up not wanting to be seen or heard.”
21. Having trouble understanding verbal cues
“Language is full of tripwires for me,” explained one person. “I cannot tolerate vagueness, because it has been used against me so much.”
Open, direct communication can be a challenge for most people, yet for people with trauma, it can be extra difficult to interpret what people say and the meanings behind their words. These shared realizations highlight that people who’ve gone through trauma are never alone, even if it feels like they are. Healing trauma is a lifelong journey, yet it’s distinctly possible to do, especially by giving voice to the challenges trauma brings.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers mental health, pop culture topics, and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
