People Who Honestly Don’t Care What Others Think Possess 6 Emotional Gifts Most People Don’t Have
César O'neill | PexelsIt’s human to want to be liked. Isolation is dangerous for our mental health. But if you betray yourself to get people to like you, that causes problems at least as bad, if not worse. Deep inside of us, along with our need to be liked, we also need to be authentic, to think and live in our own unique way. Nature made us this way so we could think critically and develop creative solutions rather than rushing headlong over a cliff with the rest of the herd.
If we all thought alike, the human race would have died out long ago. As philosopher Bertrand Russell wrote, “Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.”
We thrive when we get along with others and think and act independently at the same time. If you aren’t doing both, you’re out of balance, and your psyche will complain about it with either depression (“No one likes me.”) or anxiety (“I have to get them to like me”). These are often warning signs, and if not heeded, things can get really bad. That’s why it’s dangerous to worry too much about what others think about you.
People who honestly don’t care what others think possess 6 emotional gifts most people don’t have:
1. They know how to find the right people
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Don’t imagine that you cansuddenly stop caring about what everyone thinks. Seek out the people who see your strengths and goodness and whom you trust. Stick with them and take what they say seriously. When you fear they’re thinking badly of you, check it out. Ask them what’s going on. A small group of friends or a community can go a long way in increasing security. It’s important to know you’re loved.
2. They can face down judgment
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What if other people think badly of you? Thank goodness! If everyone likes you, you’re probably not being true to yourself. Ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” and come to terms with it. Marriage and family therapist Maxine Langdon Starr advised people to "take their comments from another person's vantage points. Nine times out of ten, the person judging your life knows nothing about it. Therefore, the judgment comes from their own insecurities."
3. They spend time alone or in therapy
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To remember or learn what you want, need, and believe, you’ll need to have periods of time when you can hear yourself without worrying about the voices of others. Journal. Talk to yourself. Ask yourself what you need. Find ways to make yourself happy that don’t depend on other people.
Psychotherapy can also help with this because it focuses on hearing what’s inside of you. "Practice knowing that you are the authority on yourself," suggested psychologist Suzanne Manser. "Remind yourself that nothing about you is up for question or opinion. Remind yourself that your power comes from staying on your side of the fence. When you’re with others, look at them through your eyes. Don’t look at yourself through their eyes. Ask yourself what you want to get out of this interaction and what you can do to impact it."
4. They aren't afraid to speak their mind
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This could mean taking some chances. You may not be able to do this at work since we usually need to maintain an appropriate persona at work. But exercising your opinion elsewhere can build confidence. This can be scary, but it can also be liberating. Avoidance breeds anxiety, while mastery brings self-esteem. Here again, therapy is a safe place to start.
5. They decide what’s truly important
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Is what people think of you high on that list? Make a short list, post it on your fridge, send yourself reminders on your phone, and don’t let critical folks who are suffering from insecurity come between you and fulfillment. "The more time you spend in other people’s heads, the further back your own opinions go, getting quieter and quieter," explained Manser. "This erodes your sense of self and true safety. It gives away your power. Your power comes from owning who you are. Your power comes from not needing anyone else to tell you who you are or what you're worth. That’s safe, solid ground."
6. They have found inspiration
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Name three characters — real or fictional (for example, Martin Luther King, Eleanor Roosevelt, Malala Yousafzai, Misty Copeland, Katniss Everdeen, or Harry Potter) that have faced these same fears and overcome them. Carry their image in your mind. Authenticity is an archetypal theme.
For millennia, we’ve used stories of heroes who have not followed the crowd to help us overcome our own fears. Images of their courageous acts reach older parts of your brain — fear centers that may not respond to simple logic—and can free you to follow your intentions.
This being true to your whole self — this individuation — isn’t easy. It takes courage and perseverance, but in the long run, it feels better. And for many people, bringing their unique offerings to the world is what gives their life meaning.
Here’s how Carl Jung put it: “May each one seek out his own way. The way leads to a mutual love in community. Therefore, give people dignity and let each of them stand apart, so that each may find his own fellowship and love it. Give human dignity, and trust that life will find the better way.”
Gary Trosclair is a psychotherapist, Jungian analyst, and author ofI’m Working on It in Therapy: How to Get the Most out of Psychotherapy.
