8 Rare Signs You’re Deeply Admired By Others, Even If They Don’t Tell You To Your Face
mimagephotography | CanvaTo feel accepted is a nearly universal human desire, and the need to be admired can take center stage because people usually don't express it. Being admired can take on more importance than how we think about ourselves, so we overanalyze each look and word that comes our way for clues we’ve been judged and found acceptable or lacking.
We may people-please, always putting others first, which leaves people taking us for granted instead of respecting us. We may exhaust ourselves trying to be cool enough, hard-working enough, attractive enough, or successful enough to feel valued, even though people already hold us in high regard. If you're anxious about being admired because you need to hear it from others, here's how to recognize that they really love and look up to you, but rarely will say it out loud.
Here are eight rare signs you’re deeply admired by others, even if they don’t always tell you to your face:
1. You keep things in perspective
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What’s behind this anxiety about being admired, and why are some of us so much more vulnerable to it than others? In many cases, it’s a type of echo from the past. At some point in our lives, something or someone may have made connection and affection seem conditional, something we have to fight for and don’t really deserve. A sense of shame develops as we inevitably fall short of perfection.
It’s said that deeply admired people care a lot less about what others think about them because they know how little others think about them. And it’s true: Everyone has enough to occupy their mind. They also have their own insecurities. If you're worried about how you come across to someone you’ve just met, keep in mind that they’re probably doing the same.
2. You question your thinking
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Humans tend toward cognitive distortions, patterns of negative thinking that can hurt our mood or behavior. For example, we may assume the worst, or filter out the good in a situation and pay attention only to the bad. Or we may overgeneralize or jump to conclusions.
Deeply admired people pay attention to their thoughts and question them rather than allowing impressions to run away with them. You may discover that what you’re fretting over exists only in your mind.
3. You let go of perfection
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Author Brené Brown, who has spent her career studying shame and how we can develop what she calls “shame resilience,” writes of this in her book The Gifts of Imperfection: “Healthy striving is self-focused: ‘How can I improve?’ Perfectionism is other-focused: ‘What will they think?’”
Perhaps your childhood caregivers were emotionally distant, physically or verbally abusive, or set impossible standards. Maybe you were bullied at school. Perhaps you felt as though you never measured up in our competitive comparison culture. Or perhaps you can't pinpoint an explanation. You just know you feel insecure and unworthy, and that leads you to count on others for reassurance that you matter and belong.
It can be hard to shake the feeling that if you just get things right, you will be loved and admired. But this is a fruitless pursuit, not only because truly admired people know that perfection is an illusion, but because what people think about you has more to do with them than with you.
4. You know yourself
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What do you really like? What do you really want? Are you making choices about your career, relationships, and pastimes because you want them or because they’ll please or impress someone else?
Allow yourself to try new things and wonder, “What would I pursue or enjoy if I weren't so worried about being judged?”
5. You have found your people
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Somewhere out there are people who can identify with you and appreciate you for who you are. Don’t waste time trying to hang on to those who expect you to conform to their wishes and wants. Deeply admired people cultivate authenticity and, in turn, find those you are meant to be with.
As Brown writes in Daring Greatly, “Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”
6. You're not afraid to be vulnerable
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It can be terrifying to go against the grain, speak out, take a risk, or face disapproval. But decide what matters to you, trust yourself, and go for it. We don’t grow by always playing it safe; we grow by allowing ourselves a chance to fail — deeply admired people know this.
"If you learned early to harden up and develop armor, that will not serve you well always," suggested personal development coach Patrick Williams. "It is easy to live life thinking that self-protection is the best way to live, but paradoxically, that strategy also prevents you from living optimally. Self-protection is important, and so is learning to be courageously vulnerable."
7. You can accept help when needed
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The anxiety you feel about what others think can sometimes be overcome with a little self-awareness. But in some cases, especially for those with underlying trauma or mental health issues, professional help can help you get to the root of your feelings. Deeply admired people allow themselves to reach out for the care they need rather than prolonging their suffering.
Hypnotherapist Michele Molitor advised, "While there are many different forms of support, you want to start by getting to the root cause that is creating your anxiety. Where or when did the belief get locked into your cellular memory, to begin with? The science of neuroplasticity says that you can rewire your brain with new neural pathways to create new mindsets. You can adopt a growth mindset that tells you the actual truth of who you are."
8. You're your own best friend
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It’s a tough reality, but you will never be able to make everyone like you, no matter what you do. But look on the bright side: No one else can do it, either. So accept the twinges that will inevitably come when you realize you haven’t made a connection with someone, and focus instead on a goal that will take you further toward being the kind of person you want to be — learning to like yourself, flaws and all.
Wanting to be thought of positively isn’t a bad thing. We all need a little awareness of how others view us to keep balanced and attuned to how we affect others. But too much concern about what people think can lead us to value only what others want from us, rather than what we desire and need. And the irony is that what starts as an effort to ensure our happiness and acceptance can end up doing the opposite.
David Sack, M.D., is board-certified in psychiatry. As chief medical officer of Elements Behavioral Health, he oversees a network of treatment programs.
