11 Reasons Truly Kind People Feel The Loneliest, According To Research
Veronica Louro / ShutterstockIt isn't always easy being kind. Despite how much we rave about it, kindness comes at a cost. Without realizing it, the kindest people in the world are often the loneliest, and research has found plenty of reasons why.
Truly kind people can't help but be people-pleasers. As most of them know, serving and catering to others is simply part of their nature. That being said, it's important for kind people to draw firm boundaries and speak up for themselves. While generosity is great, it often leads to the loneliest road.
These are 11 reasons truly kind people feel the loneliest, according to research
1. They prioritize other people's needs over their own
New Africa | Shutterstock
The first reason truly kind people feel the loneliest is that they prioritize other people's needs over their own. They often become so focused on making others feel better that they neglect their own needs. From lacking sleep to overworking themselves, they're willing to do whatever it takes to take care of those around them.
According to a study published in Personality and Social Psychology Review, high agreeableness often leads to a struggle with establishing boundaries or asserting oneself. So, while there's nothing wrong with being kind and taking care of loved ones, ensuring their needs are met before your own is a disaster waiting to happen.
2. People always assume they're fine
Wasana Kunpol | Shutterstock
If there's one thing about a kind person, it's that they have an energy about them. From their bright energy to their dazzling smile, truly kind people have a way of drawing others in. Unfortunately, a reason truly kind people feel the loneliest is that people always assume they're fine. Just because someone is smiling doesn't mean they aren't struggling deep down inside.
However, because kind people usually struggle to be vulnerable or put others first, they often shut off their own emotions, leading to a ton of consequences in the long run. As clinical psychologist and assistant professor Elizabeth Sadock, Ph.D., pointed out, "When we suppress unwanted emotions, we inadvertently shut off our access to positive emotions." This inevitably leads to kind people feeling lonelier.
3. They attract people who take more than they give
Perfect Wave | Shutterstock
Kind people are the best people to go to when someone needs a helping hand. From breakups to struggles with their family, they're the most dependable people to rely on. Unfortunately, having a kind soul also comes with its drawbacks. Like a magnet, kind people often attract the worst people.
They might not say it out loud, but kind people know when they're being taken advantage of. Yet because they're so lonely, they allow themselves to continue being exploited for the sake of keeping the peace and making their loneliness worse. As Professor of Psychology Anita E. Kelly, Ph.D., said, "It turns out that the lonely players, as compared to the non-lonely ones, accepted significantly more unfair offers. Cacioppo argued that acceptance of such exploitation sets up the lonely person for even more exploitation."
4. They struggle to set boundaries
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock
Everybody loves kind people. They're easy-going by nature and never cause too much of a fuss. That being said, a reason truly kind people often feel the loneliest is that they struggle to set boundaries. Kind people never want to step on anyone's toes. Feeling bad, they're quick to throw away their boundaries if it means making everyone else's life just a little bit easier and more bearable.
However, this is exactly why they get taken advantage of. Once someone knows they're easy to push around, they'll keep pushing until a kind person reaches their breaking point. So, if someone struggles with this, start small with your boundaries and build up from there. Learning to say no and learn your comfort levels is the best decision you'll ever make.
5. They have a hard time being vulnerable
Perfect Wave | Shutterstock
Let's face it, being vulnerable is never easy. No matter how close someone is to you, looking them in the face and telling them how you feel is never easy. Kind people especially struggle to be vulnerable because they don't want to be a nuisance to anyone.
While being vulnerable is tough, refusing to express oneself is even worse. As Assistant Professor Elizabeth Sadock, Ph.D., said, "The good and bad are deeply intertwined. When we suppress unwanted emotions, we inadvertently shut off our access to positive emotions." This is why it's important to seek professional help or confide in one person; otherwise, they'll continue to grow lonelier.
6. They're burned out
CrizzyStudio | Shutterstock
Life is pretty draining lately. With bills piling up and companies ghosting, it's no wonder that the average person is this close to having a mental breakdown. That being said, kind people are burned out for a different reason entirely. Bearing the weight of the world on their shoulders, they often feel like they have nobody to go to. This is another reason truly kind people feel the loneliest: they're burned out.
It should go without saying, but check on those kind friends. Because of their sweet nature, they often feel the need to overextend themselves, causing irreparable damage in the long run. As psychologist Sherrie Bourg Carter, Psy.D., pointed out, "Burnout is a state of chronic stress that leads to exhaustion, detachment, feelings of ineffectiveness." This is why it's important to set boundaries and take self-care days. Otherwise, you'll wear yourself out.
7. They avoid conflict
ShortPrime Studio | Shutterstock
Most people agree that conflict is pretty unbearable. No matter how amazing someone may be, if there's conflict, the average person will absolutely go running the other way. For kind people, avoiding conflict has to do with anxiety, a desire to please people, and a desire to keep the peace. And knowing that sometimes they can't, kind people might hide in their shells.
Nobody's blaming a kind person for avoiding drama. According to therapist Claire Jack, Ph.D., "People with a need for drama often display personality disorders, including borderline, psychopathic, and narcissistic disorders." Despite knowing this, kind people always find themselves in the storm of it, leaving them feeling overwhelmed and lonely.
8. They don't want to burden anyone
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Most people want to protect their loved ones. If you're like this, you'd do everything in your power to keep them safe. And while this may be noble and a beautiful sentiment, it backfires for kind people. Taking it a step too far, a reason truly kind people feel the loneliest is that they don't want to burden anyone. Whether it's burdening them with their emotions or something else, they refuse to be an inconvenience.
It doesn't matter how much reassurance their loved one gives. If they know it'll hurt them, they'll avoid talking about it. However, bottling up all those emotions only leads to worsening mental health, causing kind people to retreat.
9. They listen more than they share
BongkarnGraphic | Shutterstock
People gravitate towards kind people because of their comforting nature. Being able to put the most stressed of people at ease, everyone flocks to them, wanting kind people to fix their problems. While it might not have bothered them at first, it eventually grows a bit tiresome. This is another reason why truly kind people feel the loneliest: they listen more than they share.
They want to open up and be vulnerable. However, even if they dared to, it would never work. From people talking over them to people completely ignoring them in favor of ranting, nobody pays that much attention to a kind person. According to social psychology researcher Deming (Adam) Wang, Ph.D., "Being ignored creates feelings of self-doubt, feeling a lack of control, and feeling not worthy of attention." So, be sure those conversations are around fifty-fifty; otherwise, you could unintentionally be hurting kind people without realizing it.
10. Nobody checks in with them
gpointstudio | Shutterstock
When's the last time you checked in with your therapist friend? For kind people, it's probably been a hot minute since they've received a "How are you doing?" text message. It's unfortunate, but many people wrongfully assume that kind people are always happy. Because of this, they're less inclined to check in and more inclined to trauma dump. And while lonely people might not say anything, a reason truly kind people feel the loneliest is that nobody checks in with them.
It's easy to feel taken advantage of after being used over and over again. From friends ghosting them until they need something to always being expected to play the happy person, it's exhausting for a kind person. This is why they're quick to retreat into their shell. Feeling burned out and feeling as if nobody cares, kind people shut down.
11. They struggle to leave unhealthy relationships
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock
Finally, the last reason people feel the loneliest is that they struggle to leave unhealthy relationships. Because kind people are quick to give the benefit of the doubt, they're often taken advantage of. From ex-boyfriends or girlfriends to ex-friends, kind people always find themselves trying to help others who never want to help themselves. As most people can imagine, this often leads down a bad path.
As licensed marriage and family therapist John Kim, LMFT, pointed out, "A toxic relationship refers to a relationship that is unhealthy, harmful, and detrimental to the well-being of one or both partners involved." This detriment is oftentimes kind people separating themselves from everyone else, leading them down a dangerous path if they aren't careful.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
