Research Says Truly Happy People Usually Have One Strange Thing Driving Them
Anna Tarazevich | Pexels"You always want what you can't have" is a phrase often repeated to make a point that we should be satisfied with what we already have, rather than trying to attain more for fulfillment. After all, if we are looking for the next big thing, we'll miss what's right in front of our eyes, or so every romantic comedy ever has taught us.
Those rom-coms are wrong to some extent. Self-determination theory helps us understand how the desire to pursue bigger and better things drives people onward. So it turns out, wanting what we can't have might be the goal of a happier life.
How many times are we told "no," "you can't," or that we aren't allowed to do something? When we're children, a natural reaction to this is a temper tantrum with arms flailing and eyes leaking tears. We want to do whatever they won't allow us. But when we're older, we find ways to deal with these upsets discreetly.
A teenager might sneak out after curfew, and a young adult might ignore all rationality and do what they're told not to do anyway, which is why no one likes to hear "I told you so."
Learning consequences from our actions and gaining wisdom from experience after we've messed up is fed to us from a young age. But as we grow, psychology and neuroscience have explained that our need to explore and understand the world around us also grows.
Research says truly happy people have one strange thing driving them: being told no
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Being told we can't have something makes it much more desirable. Why? Because it sparks a little something within us called curiosity, and once our brain latches onto that urge, it's hard to get it to let go.
Curiosity is the single part of the human brain that propels us forward
Curiosity makes us choose things for ourselves — both stupid and incredibly smart — and guides us to discoveries in personal and professional aspects of our lives. It's also what gives us the desire to follow our curiosity down whatever questionable alleyway it leads us.
According to Jack Panskepp, the author of Affective Neuroscience, the reason people keep exploring and trying to experience everything life has to offer is that it's part of our DNA. Every mammal has the same need to seek out circumstances in their environment and explore whatever will make their chances of survival better. One study explored how, since curiosity is linked to our reward-pleasure centers, our brain actually rewards us for pursuing whatever we're curious about.
So, wanting to get to know a new person, getting that job promotion, finding new music, or exploring different areas of the world is so we can feel the thrill of the hunt. Completion of a task is not the goal. This is why putting the puzzle together feels better than staring at it when it's all done. When we've reached our goal, it's over. But in the process of achieving it, we feel the happiest.
Pursuing the next big thing in life can actually make us happier because we're moving forward and striving to attain something. In our goal-oriented and reward-focused brains, that's what keeps us smiling.
Curiosity is a natural human inclination, but it can come with unsavory consequences
Wanting more, desiring a better outcome, and trying to make things more beneficial for us are actually more rewarding than achieving those desires. This is the same reason people who win the lottery can be content playing the lottery and losing for years, but don't gain any happiness once they've actually won that big jackpot. This is why it's important to balance curiosity with common sense.
Knowing that something isn't attainable because it might be detrimental to our health or psyche is far different than thinking we can't do something and working harder to achieve it. It's the difference between wanting a married man because you can't have him or deciding to train and run that 5K you've been talking about forever. One is obviously better for you than the other, but your brain still wants them both equally, and knowing a man is married might actually make him more attractive for this same reason.
The key to a happier life is pursuing what will make us happy and is healthy for us. Setting and achieving goals is a good thing in life, so find what piques your curiosity and use it to make life better. Go ahead and dream, pine away for more wealth, better relationships, or a compassionate partner.
Accomplish goals you'd never even imagined, and explore every bit of the world. Work to achieve those things and then reap the rewards from your efforts. Just make sure in the pursuit of your own happiness that you're not ignoring common sense to trample on someone else's.
Merethe Najjar is a professional writer, editor, and award-winning fiction author from Atlanta, Georgia. She has had multiple publications featured in The Aviator Magazine, Infinite Press, Yahoo, BRIDES, and others.
