11 Signs A Man Is Deeply Lonely, Even If He Won't Say It Out Loud
dabyki.nadya | ShutterstockWhen men are feeling lonely, they rarely say it out loud. Sometimes they don't realize it themselves, blaming how they feel on a slump or the fact that they hadn't met the right partner yet. Often they're ashamed for feeling lonely, thinking they're the only men feeling it.
But loneliness has become increasingly common for men. The Survey Center on American Life found that 15% of men claim they have no close friends, a five-fold increase since 1990. Additional research from Equimundo: Center for Masculinities and Social Justice determined that two-thirds of men feel that "no one really knows them well." With this in mind, it's time to start looking out for these lonely men.
11 signs a man is deeply lonely, even if he won't say it out loud
1. He works a ton of overtime
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If you know a guy who is working way more than ever, for seemingly no good reason, he might be deeply lonely.
Lonely men find it comforting to work long hours because they don't have to face their emotions. Burying themselves in work distracts them from what they feel deep down inside. These men are content with "working on their career" if it means not addressing their avoidant tendencies.
But this can backfire for a multitude of reasons, including an increased risk of cardiovascular disease, hypertension, depression, anxiety, increased work stress, tiredness, and occupational injury, according to collective research published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health.
Here's the big problem: this is a self-perpetuating cycle that creates more loneliness. See, overworking strips away their ability to make and maintain meaningful connections, among their co-workers, as well as their family, friends, and romantic partner. Over time, it can cause discord in their relationships.
2. He has started exercising way more than normal
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Lonely men often turn to exercise as a way to manage the stress and heartbreak of their loneliness. This is actually a great choice, as regular exercise boosts endorphins and has been shown in many studies to help ease depression and anxiety symptoms. The gym or exercise groups can also be a great way for men to make friends.
Sadly, exercise can become an obsession for lonely men. This may surprise some people, as we often think of body image disorders being solely for women, we now understand that body image disorders and exercise dysmorphia hits men hard, too.
Sadly, this can lead to further isolation. To fill the void of not having meaningful connections, lonely men look at ways to channel their pain, typically through physical exertion. By pumping their bodies full of endorphins, they are able to put all their hurt and repression into something productive.
This can quickly spiral, however, as no exercise can truly treat the pain of being lonely. Soon, this can become compulsive as the man quests for more and more numbing of pain. Meanwhile, his last connections outside of the gym start withering away.
3. He dates a lot but never has relationships
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Another specific behavior lonely men often display is being a serial dater. Men who date multiple women at once, or are never single for long often do this to avoid being alone.
This may make them seem like they have it all, but it's a lonely life for some, as they may pathologically avoid lasting relationships. After all, a long-term relationship won't offer the same "high" as a short-term one, and then they'll need to confront the deeper reasons for their loneliness.
Dan Bolton, a licensed counselor and men's relationship coach, said that the reason why men struggle with loneliness is because of their inability to form meaningful connections. According to Bolton, men don't share their pain for fear of being rejected, which is exactly why they struggle more with loneliness compared to women.
To compensate for their loneliness, men might serial date to get the love and connection they've always wanted, not realizing that it's pushing their problems down. It's essential for men with this behavior to heal themselves before entering a serious relationship. Otherwise, they may end up in a codependent situation, repeating the same unhealthy patterns.
4. He seems to compulsively over-eat
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Loneliness has long been linked to depression, which is often the deeper reason a man stays persisently lonely despite opportunities to make friends or build connections. As such, men who overeat may be severely depressed as a result of isolation.
A study published in the research journal Appetite determined that people with depressive symptoms have dysfunctional coping strategies, such as overeating. These individuals engage in binge-eating as a way to reduce their negative moods.
An additional 2022 study focused on loneliness found an association between loneliness and disordered eating among boys, specifically dieting. In adolescence, the more lonely a boy is the more disordered eating and dieting he engages in. Sadly, society often discourages boys from talking about these issues and even from reaching out for help, which can continue harming them well into adulthood.
Men should prioritize their mental health, especially with the endless risks that accompany eating too much. It's important they focus on maintaining a healthy and balanced diet.
5. He's highly self-critical
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It's often assumed that lonely men don't have the same support system as those who are more involved socially. Because of this, one of the specific behaviors lonely men often display without realizing it is their lack of motivation, which can damage their confidence.
According to research from 2022, people with low self-esteem engage in antisocial behavior, and have worse physical and mental health. People with high self-esteem, however, have greater social support, better grades, and greater satisfaction at work.
This same research emphasized that regardless of gender or race, people with high self-esteem succeed across all areas of life. Unfortunately, for men who are lonely, that isolation can deplete their confidence and lead them to be even more critical of themselves.
This is yet another way in which lonely men can keep themselves stuck. The more they're alone, the worse they feel about themselves, which makes them less interested in making friends. Other people can sense this self-loathing, too. That's why it's so important to intervene, as truly lonely men may struggle to ever find a way out of this cycle.
6. He refuses to talk about his feelings
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Men who are lonely tend to fear rejection and vulnerability, which should come as no surprise since society has told men to toughen up and stop complaining for generations. Society tells men that being vulnerable is weak, or that holding in emotions is what "real men" do.
But when lonely men refuse to express their emotions, they bottle up everything inside. It damages their relationships and makes it more difficult for them to form connections with others. And, as researchers have found, human beings need relationships and social connections to thrive.
Without opening themselves up to others, men can become lonely, as a lack of social connection creates an increased risk of depression and mortality. Men need to realize that there's nothing wrong with sharing their emotions and that, in fact, doing so is an indicator of strength.
7. He can't seem to escape the past
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Another of the specific signs a man is deeply lonely, even if he won't tell you directly, is a tendency to keep himself in a negative state of mind when reminiscing about the past. Lonely men tend to dwell on their past, and it keeps them stuck.
Though there's nothing wrong with reflection, constantly thinking about the past can damage a person's mental health. According to research in the Journal of Happiness Studies, reminiscing is linked to a decreased mood. The study of 637 elderly participants determined that although reminiscing was great for curing boredom and strengthening connections, it was also linked to depression, bitterness, sadness, and regret.
Lonely men need to be mindful of how much they dwell on their past choices, and stop holding it against themselves. If they're reminiscing about someone who broke their heart, it's time for them to start healing and letting that go.
8. He's chronically online, more than most guys his age
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Lonely men who spend a lot of time online may do so to escape the reality of not having strong connections with other people. Due to their loneliness and isolation, they become susceptible to finding toxic online communities that often appear harmless, but can increase their aggression. Soon enough, they're lonelier than ever.
Research from the journalAnalyses of Social Issues and Public Policy looked at the incel community and found that men who were sucked into the "manosphere" had the potential to act more violently against women. These men also had an increased risk of developing anxiety and depression. An additional study from the Journal of Research in Medical Sciences looking at chronic internet use found that internet dependency leads to depression, anxiety, paranoia, and sensitivity.
For lonely men who display behaviors like this, it's best to avoid message boards or online communities that spread toxic messages. Of course, there's nothing wrong with seeking out connections online, but men should be incredibly cautious.
9. He zones out more than ever
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Being lost in thought is one of the specific behaviors lonely men often display without realizing it. They may daydream because they fear the thought of facing reality and don't want to admit they are feeling isolated. So, they transport themselves to a place that's better than their current situation.
But daydreaming about a better life won't change the circumstances. In fact, 2014 research found a link between daydreaming and depression. People who negatively daydream can experience schizophrenia, anxiety, and dissociation.
Rather than dreaming about a different reality, lonely men can make an effort to get out there into the world, meet new people, and create experiences that will take them from feeling alone, to immersing themselves in true connection.
10. He parties way too much
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While it seems counterintuitive, a man who is deeply lonely may start partying and hitting the bars more. While he may seem popular and social when he's out, this type of connection may make him lonelier than ever. After all, how many people you know doesn't necessarily predict whether you feel alone.
Shallow connections and evening hookups won't bring him a feeling of being known or seen, and part of what makes people feel lonely is feeling unseen or misunderstood, not necessarily the number of people they know.
11. He hints and implies he's lonely, but doesn't say it out loud
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While most men won't come out and tell you directly that they're lonely, a man might hint around about it. He might say something like, "I miss the old college days when everyone was around" or "It would be great to meet someone I actually like."
These things seem pretty typical, but if you ask follow-up questions, you might see that what he's really feeling isn't nostalgia or even irritation at others, it's loneliness. He's trying to tell you that he longs for a time when he felt understood and connected.
While this may seem tragic, a lonely man doesn't have to stay that way. He should start by breaking his self-perpetuating habits that keep him stuck, a little at a time. I
Instead of going to the gym twice a day, maybe he can go once per day and a few nights a week he can join a running club, instead. He can find a men's discussion group at his church, temple or mosque, anywhere he feels he's with like-minded people.
Regardless of how he does it, most men don't need to be lonely if they don't want to be. They just may need some support to break these lonely habits.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
