20 Simple Ways To Be A Happier Person In A Really Broken World
Omar Lopez | UnsplashIs the current level of conflict in our society stressing you to the point of shutting down? Luckily, you can learn how to reduce stress. In a recent yoga class, the teacher asked what it would be like to face conflict with ease. What a good question. The concept of ease feels very remote these days.
As a response to stress and conflict, my clients report a lot of intentional and unintentional numbing, ranging from confusion, exhaustion, and depressive symptoms to actions like oversleeping, binge eating, and drinking or drugging. What would it be like for you, right now, if you could face the conflicts in your life with ease?
Learning how to reduce stress is an essential survival skill in these times. When parts of you are numbing, unfocused, and shutting down, you ultimately want to escape the conflict and feel better. Unfortunately, when you numb out, the pain still exists underneath.
The seemingly sensible action of numbing that tries to avoid what hurts actually sets you up to experience more hurt, less joy, and even deep shame. Without a sense of ease, it’s easy to lose yourself. When parts of you take over to "save you" through avoidance of some kind, you're really not able to face conflict — or anything else, for that matter.
The parts of you that try to save you from constant stress will also shut out sensations of joy, productivity, clarity, and connection. So, what can you do to respond with ease when you feel angry, upset, violated, embarrassed, incredulous, bullied, hurt, shocked, affronted, or intimidated? It’s a good idea to take care of your nervous system and give yourself lots of breaks when you feel flooded, panicked, or overwhelmed.
But it’s not a good plan to consistently step back and avoid anything that feels difficult or conflictual, as if you can simply "rise above it all." This behavior is similar to spiritual bypassing, the tendency to use spiritual ideas or practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, moving into a pseudo-calm that ignores very real problems and issues.
While it may feel good for a moment, avoidant behavior during times of conflict is not true feelings of ease. Finding happiness in a broken world, in these situations, is the freedom that leads to a sense of joy. You can be who you are, at any moment, by loosening the constraints inside you just enough to be authentically you. In this way, you have choices and freedoms, rather than being captive to your fear and pain.
Here are 20 simple ways to be a happier person in a broken world:
1. Journal every day
Every day, take a moment to write down all of your current feelings — the strongly felt and not so obvious. You don't need to write perfectly or make it sound good. Just let whatever's in your head flow onto the page without judgment.
2. Talk to yourself
When you feel strongly about something, say it out loud to yourself. Nod your head to show you get it. It might feel weird at first, but hearing yourself validate your own feelings can be surprisingly powerful.
3. Be present
Sit quietly for at least one minute each day, simply noticing that you are right here. Notice your breathing, the sounds around you, and the way your body feels in this exact moment. This simple practice can help ground you when everything feels chaotic.
4. Try breathing exercises
If you’re able to, place one hand on your heart and the other on your cheek. Breathe. Feel the warmth of your own touch and let yourself slow down, even if just for a few breaths. Research shows that just five minutes of controlled breathing can reduce anxiety and improve your mood. The slow exhales help activate your body's calming system, shifting you out of stress mode.
5. Face your fears
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Notice if you have any fears inside. Imagine the strongest, kindest person you know holding that fear with compassion. This may even be you!
Self-compassion interventions have been shown to reduce anxiety by helping you respond to your fears with kindness instead of harsh judgment. Treating yourself gently while facing what scares you can actually lower your anxiety symptoms.
6. Normalize your feelings
Remind yourself each day that your feelings are a normal part of your body. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling anxious, sad, or overwhelmed. Your emotions are valid responses to what's happening around you.
7. Stay out of drama
Picture conflict coming toward you. Then, picture yourself staying present while also taking two steps to the side to avoid directly experiencing the negative energy.
8. Don't jump on impulse
When you're flooded with anger, fear, or frustration, allow yourself as much time as you need to get back to feeling like yourself before you take any action. Research on anger regulation shows that taking time to cool down helps prevent reactions you'll regret later. Pausing when you're flooded with strong emotions gives you a chance to respond more thoughtfully instead of just reacting.
9. Get moving
Move your body in as many ways as possible every single day. Dance in your kitchen, take a walk around the block, stretch on the floor. Movement doesn't have to mean a full workout to make a difference.
10. Shake it off — literally
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When the jitters come on, shake your body vigorously. Then, offer yourself the hugest hug you can. It sounds simple, but physically releasing tension and then comforting yourself can shift your entire mood.
11. Remember that you can do hard things
Create a support group with at least one friend to remind each other as often as needed. Send each other texts when things get tough. You've survived every hard day so far, and you'll get through this one too.
12. Use your voice
When you feel stressed, allow yourself to audibly sigh, groan, moan, hum, etc. Seek out the vibration in your body that feels most soothing. Repeat. Studies show that sighing and other vocal expressions actually help reset your emotional state. Deliberate sighing can reduce anxiety and help you physically release the tension you're holding.
13. Write down your core beliefs
For example, I stand for compassion. Remember it when you feel conflict and allow your stance to be your safe guide. When the world feels overwhelming, this becomes your anchor.
14. Check your language
Notice if your own inner voice is fueling your stress. Kindly ask it to give you a break. Sometimes the harshest critic we face is the one inside our own head. Research shows that negative self-talk increases stress hormones and contributes to anxiety and depression. Learning to speak more kindly to yourself can improve your emotional well-being and actually reduce your stress levels.
15. Offer yourself at least one small pleasure daily
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This may be as simple as a smile in the mirror, a bubble bath, reading a joke, or taking time for a hobby. You deserve small moments of joy, even when the world feels heavy.
16. Play with perspective
What would it feel like to be in the other person’s shoes? Or observing the conflict as a bystander? Or watching it from above, or from 50 years in the past or future?
Research shows that imagining yourself in another person's position reduces hostility and helps you see conflicts more clearly. When you try on someone else's perspective, you naturally respond with more empathy and less defensiveness.
17. Notice the smallest things in nature
This can include birds, bugs, and even dirt. Imagine the fungal layer under the ground. Notice the fluidity and variation in nature. Where do you fit in? Studies show that connecting with nature improves mental health and reduces stress. People who feel more connected to nature report lower levels of anxiety and depression.
18. Get inspired
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Read words that inspire you, rather than hopelessly inflame you. Choose content that lifts you up instead of dragging you down. Your mental space is precious.
Research shows that consuming negative content online can worsen your mental health, while positive uplifting content has the opposite effect. Exposing yourself to inspiring stories instead of doom and gloom can reduce stress and improve your mood.
19. Listen to music
Create a playlist that expresses your more difficult feelings. Then, create another one that feels totally peaceful. Music can help you process what you're going through and also give you a refuge when you need it.
20. Remember that you're human
Embrace the fact that you're human with humility, responsibility, compassion, and love. Experiment with one or all of these ideas. Allow them to guide you to your own ease, using methods of staying present naturally during this time.
Your own style and personality will guide you as you practice ease. Soon, you can create a list of personal ease-making behaviors, supports, and skills. As you do so, you will begin to trust not only yourself, but your capability to survive and thrive — even in difficult times. Remember that you don’t have to do this alone. It’s never a bad idea to reach out to a therapist, mentor, coach, spiritual advisor, or someone you trust.
Ingrid Helander is a marriage and family therapist helping people who suffer from insecurity, doubt, impossible communication patterns, and overwhelming stress.
