5 Small Regrets People Near The End Of Life Say Stayed With Them The Longest
DedMityay | ShutterstockNone of us will get out of here alive. You know you are going to die someday, and you hope it is a long time from now. But sometimes we live in fear of death instead of learning from it.
What can we learn from those who pondered how they wished they had lived their lives when they were dying? In a blog that became a best-selling book, Bronnie Ware, an Australian end-of-life nurse who spent several years in palliative care with patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives, wrote about what she learned from the dying about living. People who have reflected on their lives when they were near death have much to teach us.
Here are 5 small regrets people near the end of life say stayed with them the longest:
1. 'I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me'
“Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards," famously said Danish philosopher Soren Kierkegaard.
I teach, write, and coach about this frequently and live my life with this as a compass point. Take risks. If you always do what you do, you’ll get what you always get. The surprises in my life and greatest experiences have often come from unplanned or unexpected events that came from risking something new or different.
2. 'I wish I hadn’t worked so hard'
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No one has ever been on their deathbed and said they wished they had worked harder. Research has shown that your family and social life (the friends who become family) often mean everything.
Choose the people you want to be around, and if they are energy drainers, choose someone else. In today’s world, you can have friends where you live, and also anywhere in the world in a robust social/virtual world online. Just choose authenticity or a social avatar that is not real.
3. 'I wish I’d had the courage to say how I felt'
This was truer for males more than females, but it applies to all. Why do you stuff your feelings or leave them unresolved? They’re just feelings. If you ignore them, they fester and get stronger emotions, energy in motion, etc.
Many people find it difficult to express negative emotions. Yet, a study has explained the importance of getting your feelings out: "expression of negative feelings is both a sign of distress and a possible means of coping with that distress." And, when expressed in a way to promote insight, showing negative emotions can lead to resolution.
4. 'I wish I had stayed in better touch with my friends'
Do you have people in your life you think about but don't call, write, or visit? Why not? Make a point to connect, and you will be richer for it. Good friends remind you not to take yourself so seriously.
Lighten up when possible. Have fun. This is your only life. Take life seriously, but live it with the lightness of being. Have fun whenever you can, and if it’s not fun, get done with that piece and go have fun somewhere. Much of this is an attitude of curiosity and detachment from expectations.
5. 'I wish that I had let myself be happier'
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The keyword here is ‘let.’ Can you allow yourself to choose happiness? What do you need to confront or finish, or resolve, to be happy? Do it! If you don't, you have no one to blame but yourself.
Be happy now, that's what you have. Don't live in the past or get stuck in an unrealized future. The future is a plan, but it is not 100% predictable. Take steps now to live with zest and enthusiasm because every day is a gift.
These insights have led me to evolve in my own life experience and to coach others in theirs, as well as when I interned many decades ago in a child cancer ward with young children who were likely to die, and they taught me so much about living.
Dr. Pat Williams is a psychologist, Master Certified Coach, and Board Certified Coach.
