7 Small Traits That Quietly Determine Whether A Narcissist Targets You Or Not
Sergio Kian | UnsplashIf you've found yourself the victim of narcissistic abuse, here's the truth: none of it was your fault, because narcissists are the ultimate emotional predators. It may almost seem like you didn't get involved with them, but rather they got involved with you. One day, you were flirting with someone you thought seemed great, and the next thing you knew, you were in an instantly intense and committed relationship, and you can't remember exactly how that happened.
That's because narcissists are masters of survival. It's as though they have a sixth sense for identifying the people with personality traits that make them more likely to fall for the narcissist's charismatic persona, and stick around and take care of them even after they reveal their repulsive inner selves. That's where knowing how to deal with a narcissist will aid you in removing them from your life.
Here are 7 small traits that quietly determine whether a narcissist chooses you or not:
1. You have something the narcissist wants
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Think: Money, power, position, or lifestyle. In a relationship where a narcissist is involved, there's a unique dynamic that comes into play. It starts with a hook — a dream, often one you think is about you, but that for the narcissist is all about control. Sometimes the narcissist will come across as helpful, then when things don't work out, the table gets turned on you.
Once you've caught on or try to get them to take accountability, the tension only escalates. A study of narcissism explored how the need for self-worth drives the narcissist to avoid accountability but also to position themselves highly. They will present themselves as a highly self-improved (but fake) version of themselves as an act of grandiosity when forced to face accountability.
2. You have a caregiver's nature and a strong need to help others
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For a time, the relationship seems to be a match made in heaven, but it's a fast ticket to doom. In the early stages of the relationship, the generosity and kindness of the caretaker are expressed. The giver has someone to dote on, and being the center of the universe works out well for the selfish needs of a narcissistic emotional vampire. Yet, as the relationship becomes more intimate, the narcissist absorbs the relationship's time, energy, and resources while gaining control.
3. You have a compassionate, empathetic disposition
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Narcissists have a reason for everything that happens in their lives, and nothing is ever their own fault. Of course, you listen and want to help, but if you catch yourself saying, "I was just trying to be nice..." more and more often, and if a part of you feels used, chances are there's an unhealthy dynamic at play.
In fact, empathetic personalities and caretaker types are prime candidates for narcissistic emotional vampires. Dr. Debi Silber, Ph.D., described the dynamic: "Once established, the bond becomes a vicious cycle of emotional pain and manipulation. The ultimate goal is to control, and once they are in a position of control, the narcissist works to maintain their power by slowly but surely eroding their partner’s self-esteem."
4. You grew up in a dysfunctional environment
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Your past can make it difficult to spot boundary violations when they happen, which might lead you to ignore your gut instincts when someone violates your trust. Narcissists don't like boundaries. If a person cannot set them, keep them, or accept blame when one has been violated, a predator type senses the weakness and uses it to their advantage.
"A trauma bond is a chemical reaction in the nervous system of the victim," explained Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD. "If you’re attracting toxic relationships now, you likely started with toxic or dysfunctional relationships. And if you’re like many survivors, your first trauma bond was with one of your parents. That relationship set the stage for how you behave, what you’ll tolerate, and your desire for that chemical hit."
Sometimes, narcissists will perform hero-like acts, but rather than encourage independence or empowerment in their partner, they use their help as a way to create dependency.
5. You are lonely and feel a desperate need to find love
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"Find a need, fill a need" is the narcissist's mantra. A person who has low self-esteem is easier to control than someone with a high sense of self-confidence. At first, the intensity feels good because it can be confused with passion, but a narcissist is incapable of transparency. Slowly, the intensity wanes, and a cold, calculated disposition leaves you wondering what went wrong and striving to find the loving person you thought you knew.
6. You willingly accept blame — even for things you didn't do
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As the relationship deteriorates, narcissists use guilt and blame to "prove" you are the problem. Empathetic individuals are extremely vulnerable to the blame game because of their reflective nature. The narcissist will say, "If you hadn't done ____ or ____, I would have to get so angry."
Research on narcissism, empathy, and guilt showed that "narcissism is characterized by little empathy for the victim, which reduces guilt about one's transgressions. Low guilt, in turn, is associated with unwillingness to apologize." The inability to apologize makesa narcissist shift the blame to you. By redirecting your attention to what you did "wrong," the narcissist diverts attention away from their own unhealthy behavior.
7. You avoid conflict and confrontation
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Narcissists feed off of fear and use it to create smoke screens and mirrors. Non-confrontational people often are afraid of abandonment, guilt, or anything that may lead to the loss of an important relationship. When narcissists react violently, they trigger these fears in those who will bend over backward to keep things calm and peaceful. Counter-intuitively, the more you avoid conflict, the more attractive you become to a narcissist.
You don't have to be a victim ever again. Build on what you learned from your experience and empower your intuition so that in the future you'll know how to avoid another narcissist if they target you. Listen to your gut, follow your instincts, and remember that if it's too good to be true, chances are, it is.
Aria Gmitter is YourTango's Senior Editor of Horoscopes and Spirituality. She graduated from the Midwestern School of Astrology and has been a practical astrologer for 40 years.
