Therapist Says The Reason Most People Never Change Their Lives Isn't Fear Of Failure — It's These 4 Reasons
mapodile | CanvaWe are taught to believe fear is the great motivator, that there is nothing to fear but fear itself, and no success comes without failure. At the same time, we also say people don't want to change because they fear failure. Humans can appear to be a mess of contradictions when it comes to their life arcs.
The difference between being totally in the groove of productive adaptability and being caught in a rut of stagnation is often only how deeply you are willing to dig in. Fortunately, a study has suggested that fear of failure is not the reason most people never change their lives — rather, it's these four lesser-known reasons.
The reason most people never change their lives isn't fear of failure; it's these 4 reasons:
1. People who never change don't think they need to change
People are exceptional at rationalizing their behavior. They blame their circumstances, their partner, their job, their childhood, or bad luck. Some people got so much unconditional love from their families that they believe they are perfected beings. And, of course, some are common narcissists, who don't want to change because "you can't control me. I'll control you!"
Resistance to change usually involves a feeling of threat to a person's core beliefs. A study from the American Psychological Association explains how change can be "seen as threatening an individual's personal sense of identity as well as security and safety needs." The threatened individual might begin mentally filtering information "to screen in confirming data and screen out disconfirming data," so they can defend their position not to change.
2. They feel change may create conflict
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Our brains are wired for pattern recognition and predictability. Even self-sabotaging patterns can feel safer than the unknown because you know how to navigate them to get the dopamine rush you need. Human conflicts over what changes are good and which are bad are as old as time, with one faction demanding tradition and the other demanding progress.
Avoiding conflict can be physical or mental. A study of conflict avoidance helped show that "people often recognize their need for avoidance early, based on various signals of trouble. These signals, whether warranted or not, can be used to physically remove themselves from the conflict and avoid accepting the need to change. Or, they mentally tune out, which can lead to "false agreement or topic manipulation."
3. People who never change struggle to see a clear path to change
A large percentage of my therapy clients have tried to make a change without success. They've tried yoga, they've attended classes, workshops, seminars all over the U.S. They're still marching to someone else's drum. They finally realized that until they did the inner work of therapy, they might not be able to tap into that missing vision and make new dreams real.
Research has helped show that there are stages in how many people perceive change. The study suggested that people in the "pre-contemplative stage typically cannot change without help. Those in the contemplation stage are not sure they want to change. Those in the preparation stage are afraid they do not know how to successfully change."
4. They are often trapped by circumstances
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The saddest reason people don't change is often related to poverty, disability, unemployment, and so many other hardships in life that drag people down. Before they can build a future, they need to sustain themselves every day of the week, and often need to sustain others, too.
One study found that when people lose control over achieving goals and need to protect their emotional health, they usually either disengage from the goal or reengage in another way. Despite the various reasons to avoid making a change in life, most people need help.
They need help in recognizing the need for change. They need help to make a plan. And they need help to stay on track when failures occur. We never get a place where we need to change alone, so we can't expect people to make necessary changes to their lives alone either.
Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D., is a board-certified therapist who focuses on helping adults overcome both functional and emotional problems from a progressive perspective.
