When A Man Has No Friends, He'll Often Do These 11 Things To Hide His Loneliness
Mahir Kart | Shutterstock Male friendship can be fragile, and too many men have no friends. According to a series of studies and reports from Equimundo, a large percentage of straight men struggle to maintain healthy connections with friends. Organizations like Next Gen Men, who help men and boys build social and emotional skills, say these men often feel forgotten and unloved.
While this tendency isn't true for all men, an increasing number of guys have no friends in real life, and that is a very lonely experience. At the same time, society often tells men they shouldn't feel "soft" emotions like loneliness, and so they do a number of behaviors to hide how lonely they truly are.
When a man has no friends, he'll often do these 11 things to hide his loneliness
1. He'll become overly dependent upon romantic partners
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Men's social circles are shrinking at an alarming rate, at least according to a survey conducted by the Survey Center on American Life in 2021, and still widely cited today. Only 1 in 5 men have received emotional support from a male friend recently, compared to women who boast higher rates of connection.
Especially for men in romantic relationships, this desire for connection and companionship can misguidedly fall on their partners, who might be yearning for time away with their friends just as often. As Daniel Ellenberg told Berkeley's Greater Good Magazine, "The male operating system is learning that vulnerability is a bad thing, that you’re leaving yourself open to attack."
“Men put too many of their (shall we say) ‘emotional eggs’ in a woman’s basket,” says Ellenberg. “But relationships are complex, and the more you’re able to embrace different contexts, the more you bring out different sides of yourself.”
This tendency to forgo the pursuit of new friendships and instead invest all of that energy back into a partner might seem healthy in the beginning, but it can spark feelings of codependency and resentment in the long run. Worse, it can leave a man feeling desperate not to lose his romantic partner, which may lead to jealous or controlling behaviors.
2. He may live with his parents longer
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Younger generations of men today are staying home with their parents longer than ever in modern history.
This can be frustrating or even embarrassing for them, but it's far from surprising. After all, Gen Z men are struggling with financial instability and societal pressures to become a "provider" all at the same time. As a result, most spend much more time living at home with their parents than other generations before them.
While it might not be a direct choice, they may retreat from friendships in order to avoid being embarrassed about living at home. Yes, research suggests close family relationships are incredibly important for men, but they don't replace peer companionship and support.
3. He'll pretend he's never sad or scared
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According to personal development coach James Michael Sama, many men struggle to harness the power of emotional intelligence, often at no fault of their own. Adults and their peers often condemn many men who openly share and show sadness, vulnerability, stress, and anxiety. Without the shared connection and trust of a close friendship, they bottle up their emotions.
When men struggle to go deeper in friendships due to masculine restrictions (sometimes called the "mask"), they may also find it harder to maintain healthy connections that truly add purpose, value, and community in their life. Without this, they may become frustrated with shallow relationships, but not know what to do next.
Because men and older boys aren't conditioned to talk about their feelings, a guy in this situation may not realize he's just one of many who feel this way. If they'd open up to one another, they'd realize they're not alone.
4. He'll self-isolate during stressful situations
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When a man has no friends, he may retreat when stress or intense emotions get too intense. Without the habitual nature of asking for help or leaning on friends, he may have nowhere to process those feelings. This is a risky choice.
According to Robert Garfield, a psychiatrist and the author of Breaking the Male Code: Unlocking the Power of Friendship, men who struggle with emotional intimacy will isolate themselves when things get tough. This is especially in the times when they need the most help and support.
To some, this may seem natural. After all, society has enforced strict rules for "what men do" for generations. In reality, this enforcement often leads to emotional suppression, which is problematic no matter your gender
5. He may become a really bad listener
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Many men who have no friends struggle with active listening, especially when something is highly emotional. This may also be an issue when someone is talking about an issue that contradicts their identity and, more specifically, their beliefs, values or morals.
In "defensive mode," protecting against what's perceived to be a threat to their identity, they put up a wall and may only selectively hear, ready to respond. This is not the same as truly listening, and may push away the people who do love them.
Without the practice of vulnerability and compromise in close friendships, they struggle to flex the muscle of active listening, which is largely a hard skill to master, as the average person only retains around 25% of information from conversations, according to research discussed in the Harvard Business Review.
As a complex and inherently intertwined cycle of rigid masculinity, many men without close friends are left behind. They struggle at work and with romantic relationships, too.
6. He may become overly competitive
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While competition can be healthy, the tendency for men to be pressured into a certain level of competitiveness from a young age often sparks an inherent sense of insecurity. This insecurity is hard to process, so they may take it out on friends or competitors in sports, at work or even while playing video games.
This competitive edge is nearly impossible to unlearn, and can oftentimes compromise and deflect the nature of truly healthy close friendships, especially with other men. After all, if a guy has come to learn that men equal competitors, it is hard to start seeing men as a source of connection.
Again, this affects men in nearly all aspects of their lives, and they may never realize why.
7. He'll rely on unhealthy vices
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When a man has no friends, he may find himself relying on maladaptive forms of comfort and support. This may mean misusing substances, unhealthy relationships with women, or simply playing video games for so long that he ignores important aspects of his life.
Without the connection and camaraderie of close friendships, many men fall cycles of isolation that negatively impacts their daily life, routine, and mental health. After all, loneliness is a serious health issue, when it goes on for too. long. A 2016 study driven by epidemiologist Nicole Valtorta argues that loneliness isn't just a symptom of the brain, but has harmful physical consequences like a 30% increase in the risk of stroke and other diseases.
These vices might be subtle in public, but at home they're likely adding to the levels of depression, anxiety, insomnia, and stress they ultimately feel as a result of their lacking inner circle. Seeking out a close friend, joining a men's group in real life, or simply asking a few guys to play basketball or poker can make a world of difference.
8. He'll only hang out with other men when they're active
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Men who have no close friends may have male connections that feel like friendships on a surface level. For example, they may go out for drinks once in a while after work with some of the guys or do a yearly night at the sports bar to watch the Final Four.
While these are great activities for some, research from Friendship and Social Interaction argues that women are more likely to be "face-to-face" on outings with their friends, where men tend to be "side-to-side." Women can spend an entire get-together bonding, talking, and engaging in conversation, while men tend to do an activity like going to a sporting event or seeing a movie where there's no space for conversation.
This cycle of detached, surface-level interaction is not just one of the quiet behaviors of men who struggle to have close friends; it's keeping them from taking acquaintances to the next vulnerable level.
9. He'll become a workaholic
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While many of the nuances of connecting with other men and maintaining healthy relationships are incredibly complex, with roots in societal expectation and vulnerability, some men with no friends simply don't prioritize it. Before too long, they find their friends have moved on, and to manage the sadness of that experience, he may dive even further into work.
To compensate, he may "freeload" off his partner's social circles, or even forget to return calls or texts from friends, keeping him from crafting or rebuilding his own tight-knit inner circle. The pressures of becoming a provider or harnessing a successful career are largely more prioritized, simply because they're more socially recognized and celebrated for men, but this can become a trap.
10. He may fall deep into online sub-cultures
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When men have no friends, especially when they're young, they are much more vulnerable to becoming part of a social group online. This can be a great thing, as some men find a lot of hope and connection online, and this can lead them to meet up IRL or use those social skills and confidence to make friends in the real world.
For some vulnerable ben and older boys with no friends, unhealthy and even dangerous sub-cultures online are very attractive. According to journalist Joanna Schroeder, co-author of the best-selling book Talk To Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow Into Confident, Caring Young Men, the validation they crave in real life is fulfilled by people who want to exploit their loneliness.
"Men and boys are being told they have all the social and political power in society, and that's not technically incorrect," she told me in an interview. "But for the individual man or older boy who is insecure, socially awkward or who recently had a set-back like job loss or a bout of depression, that feels like a lie."
For those guys, she says, it can be tempting to find a group online who gives them someone to blame: usually women, people of color, immigrants or other folks from marginalized groups.
"These people give guys someone to blame for their problems, and that can feel like the validation they've been craving," she explained. "The problem is that it's never enough. It doesn't fill that emotional hole inside of them that needs real, sustainable self-esteem."
That's one reason why so many of the people who end up in the news for doing something horrible are described as lonely young men who spend a lot of time online. "They could never truly meet their emotional need online," and, as Schroeder explains, "they become more likely to commit unimaginable harm."
11. He'll blame women for his problems
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When a man has no friends, he may turn to women for all of the validation and connection he craves, as discussed in earlier points. If these women don't provide that for him, he may find himself angry at women in general and seeking validation for this rage.
As we just discussed in the last point, he may find himself immersed in an online sub-culture of men who blame women for all of the world's problems. They may insist women are designed to be subservient, they may say the women's equality movements harmed society overall, or they may simply vow to never engage with women again.
As one can imagine, this attitude toward women only pushes the women in their lives (and the ones they may meet) further away, as the resentment and contempt toward them is something they simply can't hide from women they meet. This becomes a self-fulfilling cycle where a man with no friends blames women for his loneliness, becomes contemptuous toward women, then every woman he meets senses that and rejects him out of a self-protective instinct.
Without other men around whom he trusts, he may not have a guy to point out how he's created this destiny for himself, and he may cycle downward into it even further.
Don't worry, there's good news for men and older boys who have no friends!
This may sound very doom-and-gloom, but most men with no friends do find good men who connect with. Richard Reeves, founder of the American Institute for Boys and Men says that male friendship can be fragile, and may require more institutional support. Many seek them out at church or temple, or another house of worship to build strong, fulfilling connections.
Others may make an active choice to become closer with the casual friends they have at work or at school, inviting them to grab food after work or to meet up on Saturdays to play 3-on-3 basketball. Even inviting a person they know in real life to play video games together online can help a guy build a meaningful friendship, one that truly lasts.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a news and entertainment writer at YourTango who focuses on health and wellness, social policy, and human interest stories.
