You Can Tell How Emotionally Immature Your Parent Is By 9 Things They Care Way Too Much About
Jose Calsina | ShutterstockWhat happens when the people who are supposed to impart wisdom end up being entirely immature?
Many people with immature parents know exactly what that's like, because they've spent most of their lives being the mature one or people-pleasing, trying to protect their parents' emotions at the expense of their own. You can tell how emotionally immature your parent is by certain things they care way too much about, none of which is showing up for and supporting their kids.
If your parent is emotionally immature, they likely care about these things way too much:
1. Sharing your success on social media
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Many parents find validation from others and feel better about themselves by sharing their adult kids' success online and through social media. They're constantly sharing your big life moments and bragging about you, not because they're proud, but because it's great for them.
Instead of making you feel seen and celebrated, they create an insane amount of pressure and hold you to insurmountable expectations, because it's also their comfort and self-worth that's tied up in your life.
2. Winning arguments and being right
Many immature people have incredibly rigid minds. They don't like accepting that they're wrong or having productive conversations with people who don't share their same views, because it's not comfortable. However, trying to win arguments and prove that they're right, instead of simply making space for and supporting their adult kids' beliefs, seriously strains the relationship.
Healthy conflict-resolution builds trust and even boosts physical well-being, but when a parent is too emotionally dysregulated to have these conversations, everyone gets hurt.
3. Avoiding confrontation
Especially when they don't even have the emotional intelligence to express and make space for complex emotions with their kids, it's no surprise that immature parents also avoid confrontation. They might get angry and loud when someone expects them to be mature, but they rarely bring up issues directly or have productive conversations that help everyone involved.
They prefer to ignore issues and red flags to make life more comfortable, even if that means spending time with people with shady morals for the attention and validation they provide.
4. Having control over their kids' life choices
Immature parents, who live vicariously through their kids instead of changing anything about their own lives, have a million things to say about their children's lives. They have an opinion on your partner, your career choice, your parenting styles, your appearance, and anything else they don't necessarily approve of, even when it's not their place to voice it.
They can't accept that you're an adult who can make your own choices, and they care way too much about trying to shape your life to work best for their own comfort and admiration. According to a 2020 study, part of the disconnection this mentality causes is prompted by the unwarranted nature of their unsolicited advice. They just can't help but give their two cents, all the time.
5. Emotionally immature parents want their kids available to them at all times
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Immature parents are the same ones who can't help but guilt-trip their adult children. They've spent their lives investing in being a parent and tying their self-worth to their kids, and now that they're gone, they feel lost and uncertain without them.
They blame their kids for not coming home. They call and text constantly. They use phrases like "After everything I did for you?" They drive a wedge in their relationships with their kids by making them feel guilty for having their own lives. They care more about their kids' availability than they do about soaking up and enjoying the quality time they do get together.
6. Their own comfort
The most immature people stay in their comfort zones and rarely change because they're more interested in convenience than growth. They refuse to put themselves in challenging, uncomfortable situations because they don't have any emotional regulation skills to get through. So, instead, they linger in the predictable and try to control everyone around them to make their lives easier.
From gaslighting their kids into suppressing their needs to invalidating emotions they're trying to express, they shut down any kind of vulnerability that makes them uncomfortable. Especially with many younger adult kids today, even the healing process of talking about and managing their childhood trauma feels impossible with these immature breeds of Gen X and boomer parents.
7. Their kids being successful at all costs
According to psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson, there are four main types of immature guardians: emotional parents, passive parents, rejecting parents, and driven ones.
Driven parents are often ambitious and successful, or, at the very least, have lofty goals and dreams. While their examples are great for kids in moderation, most of the time, they expect kids to mirror their goals and be their own personal self-worth indicator. When their kids succeed, they feel better about themselves, no matter how much pressure it places on them.
In adulthood, they care more about micromanaging their kids' lives, comparing them to other people and forcing them into perfectionism than actually supporting them. Their kids' real identities and dreams are consistently overshadowed by those of their parents, at everyone's expense.
8. The vices they use to manage their stress
If you're around an immature parent who can't cope with their own stress or manage their own emotions, it's clear that their vices come before any other people or commitments. Regardless of what they are, they're the main priority.
Even when it puts other people at risk or showcases a bad example, an immature parent needs something to distract them from their own inner struggle. They don't have the emotional regulation skills to handle anything, so they externalize and avoid until they can't ignore the pain any longer and completely blow up.
9. Superiority and control
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Many immature parents are even more unbearable to be around when their adult children are successful. When they can, they reap all the praise and validation for being a "great parent" or setting their kids up for success, but most of the time, they're just bitter and jealous.
They don't know how to separate their own needs and desires from their children's achievements, so they end up blaming and guilting everyone else for their own unmet goals. Whether it's subtle criticism or even trying to compete with their own kids, these jealous parents let their own envy sabotage the relationship, because they care more about compensating for their own insecurity with control than they realize.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
