Having Two Narcissistic Parents Affects The Whole Family In 11 Quiet Ways Over Time
RollingCamera | ShutterstockEven when other family members acknowledge them as unhealthy, when someone grows up with two narcissistic parents, it creates a dysfunctional environment and can have long-lasting impacts on the well-being of their children. While one parent with narcissistic tendencies is bad enough, having two narcissistic parents affects the whole family in quiet ways over time, whether it's keeping the atmosphere negative or bringing competition into the dynamic.
Narcissistic parents often prioritize their own needs and wants over those of their entire family. And according to a study by psychologist Alan Rappoport, originally published in the Therapist, these harmful tendencies often stem from a place of insecurity, manifesting as blame-shifting behaviors, self-absorbed practices, and toxic responses rooted in the narcissist's easily offendable mindset.
Having two narcissistic parents affects the whole family in 11 quiet ways over time
1. Holiday gatherings become scarce
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While the consequences of narcissistic parents, coined “narcissistic wounding” by professor Nina W. Brown, linger in adult children’s relationships, connections, and identity, even if they’ve ceased contact, when the families of these parents gather for the holidays, things may seem a little different.
The head count may be lower or the family may not even get together at all, wounded not only by the toxic parents' behaviors, but by the personal struggles they’ve been burdened with after growing up in the home. The children and family of narcissists tend to struggle with cultivating a welcoming atmosphere, being forced to rely on their inner circle and community to celebrate.
2. Family members lose contact with each other
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When a person grows up with two narcissistic parents, it affects the whole family by changing the dynamic of communication. There's always a discussion or complaint about the narcissistic tendencies and manipulation, so family members tend to fall out of touch with one another. Because without the shared experience of navigating those narcissistic and toxic relationships, they often don’t have anything to bond over.
According Amanda Clymont, author of the book “Is There A Narcissist In Your Life?” familial estrangement is almost inevitable for family dynamics. Even after those people are “cut out” or pass away, the consequence of their impact on the family’s health and well-being lingers.
Many people who grow up with two narcissistic parents tend to focus all their time and energy on those relationships, either by mitigating conflict or protecting the peace, so much so that their own identity and growth are pushed to the side. When they’re no longer “responsible” or burdened with that duty, the actual consequences to their self-esteem become more apparent.
3. Children develop narcissistic tendencies of their own
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According to a study published in PNAS on the origins of narcissism, many adult children adopt certain narcissistic tendencies of their parents, usually regarding ideas about superiority and parent overevaluation. While the development of narcissism is largely under-researched, most experts agree that an unhealthy childhood environment, and more specifically, toxic parents, can contribute to misguided and self-absorbed tendencies.
Instead of harnessing the power of “parental warmth” to promote self-esteem in children, narcissistic parents tend to promote competition, unrealistic expectations for success, and overbearing tendencies in their children, keeping the cycle of toxicity going, even into adulthood.
4. Family interactions are shadowed by negativity
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For people with two narcissistic parents, when they all get together, most interactions are tainted by the negativity of their actions or language. Significantly, with children who grew up trying to self-regulate amid their parents' toxic behaviors, being in the same room again only adds to the resentment and grief they’re coping with.
Instead of enjoying a birthday party, connecting with relatives, or having a fun meal, families with narcissistic parents feel obligated to “protect the peace.” This is a tendency that Harvard psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin argues is far too common amongst similar family dynamics.
5. Adult children struggle to maintain their own personal relationships
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It's typical of adult children with two narcissistic parents to struggle with maintaining healthy relationships into adulthood. Their tendency to protect other people’s emotions at the expense of their own and self-isolate in response to conflict directly sabotage the open communication needed to cultivate healthy bonds and connections.
If they choose to go “no contact” as a result of the shared experience, they’re often forced to experience the burden of loneliness on their own. This can make it difficult to cultivate a positive inner circle for support and healing.
6. Everyone becomes competitive
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Many families with narcissistic parents often develop a toxic competitive dynamic with each other, trying to earn validation and attention. Especially considering that narcissistic parents often cultivate a transactional relationship with their kids growing up, rewarding them for achieving goals and taking away emotional support when they “fail,” this same tendency tends to inform their relationships into adulthood.
Informed by both of their parents' inflated egos and sense of superiority, many adult children will internalize that experience, as a study from Brain Informatics suggests, and compete with each other to fulfill their need for validation.
Not only does this competition breed disconnect between siblings and other family members, but it prevents everyone in the family from maintaining an aura of self-assuredness and self-esteem that acts as the foundation for healthy relationships.
7. Boundaries aren't respected
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Creating and asserting boundaries with narcissists is essentially “a lifeline” for family members hoping to protect their emotional well-being and sanity, at least according to family therapist Daniel Dashnaw. With clear communication and the ability to self-advocate, family members can ensure they’re not being taken advantage of.
However, having spent their entire lives with their parents who have narcissistic tendencies, some toxic things happen in quiet ways over time, especially as it pertains to setting boundaries. Not only are they challenging to enforce, as their adult children's “people-pleasing” tendencies never truly fade without being properly acknowledged, but they’re often overstepped when in contact with narcissistic family members like their parents.
8. There's an uptick in manipulation and control
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While many family dynamics with two narcissistic parents harbor occasional emotionally abusive tendencies early on, as time goes on and children enter adulthood, these tendencies can grow more extreme. Especially amongst other family members, they feel forced to protect their space in a language that their narcissistic parents understand: with blame-shifting, emotional invalidation, and attention-seeking behaviors.
As siblings fight for validation, both of their parents struggle to maintain a healthy relationship in an empty home, emotional support is wholly dismissed, family gatherings grow tumultuous, and the entire dynamic becomes a pillar of anxiety and toxicity for everyone involved.
9. Everyone keeps secrets
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Many families with two narcissistic parents are constantly worried about external validation and their “public image,” so it’s not uncommon for members to feel pressured into secret-keeping.
With manipulative tactics and deception, they’re forced to pretend that “everything is fine.” They're crafting a misguided image of the perfect family, while they suffer with isolation and emotional burdens. It’s this denial that contributes to an overwhelming sense of resentment amongst adult children and their family members, driving a wedge into any hope of a healthy connection.
10. Disconnection leads to blackmail
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As therapist Kaytee Gillis explained, as one child is more likely to become the “surrogate spouse,” or the pillar of emotional validation and attention for narcissistic parents in this family dynamic, disconnects between siblings are familiar. Resentment often builds as one sibling sacrifices their own life and well-being to “protect the peace,” impacting the bond they share personally, even outside the context of their parents.
As a result, the complex feelings and shared experiences of having two narcissistic parents become “blackmails” between siblings, often used as a means to assert dominance or superiority over the other. The same validation- and attention-seeking behavior they despised in their parents starts to define their own.
11. Conflicts remain unresolved
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Because narcissists will never apologize for their actions and do whatever they can to avoid responsibility, it should come as no surprise that having two narcissistic parents means unresolved conflicts, affecting the whole family over time. It teaches everyone involved, narcissist or not, that resolution is about keeping the peace, rather than finding closure. And that leaves emotional residue and resentment behind.
For children with two narcissistic parents, they may find themselves avoiding confrontation and hard discussions in their personal lives. They may also not recognize what a sincere apology looks like or even believe it when they receive one.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
