People Who Stay Happily Married For Decades Ignore 9 Common Pieces Of Advice
PeopleImages / ShutterstockEven though the rate has declined, many marriages still end in divorce. I come from a family of divorce myself, and because of that, I've always been terrified of going through the same thing with my partner.
I've jotted down random advice throughout the years to try to avoid difficulty in my own relationships. In the past, I tried to strictly implement this advice, believing it would help, but my rigid subscription to others' words has often hurt my relationships instead. Many times, it's left my partner feeling stressed or drained.
Couples who stay happily married know that relationships look different for everyone. Common advice for successful relationships might not help every couple. Happily married couples create their own guidelines for their relationship, figuring out what works for them and ignoring what doesn't.
People who stay happily married for decades ignore 9 common pieces of advice
1. "Never go to bed angry"
This advice essentially means that when you leave an argument unfinished, you don't resolve conflict well in your relationship. However, talking things through in a single conversation doesn't always work. Sometimes partners need a moment of space to collect their thoughts or realize where they messed up. By thinking through what their partner said, they can reflect on the heart of the issue.
Additionally, when arguments get particularly heated, it's harder to have productive conversations. Sometimes it is more helpful to take a step back and cool down before continuing with the conflict. This can help someone stay in a calm headspace when handling conflict with their partner and avoid fighting.
2. "Communicate about everything"
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Communicating your needs can be a helpful way to avoid conflict in relationships. Still, there is a difference between an issue and an annoyance.
Some partners feel the need to communicate whenever their partner does something that bothers them. If it is something that is seriously affecting them, their partner should listen and work to resolve the issue. However, sometimes annoyance can stem from another situation occurring in our lives.
You shouldn't nitpick your partner's every move. This can make them feel judged or think that they are an unsatisfactory partner. Instead, happy couples know when to let things go and when something is a genuine problem.
3. "Keep the romance alive"
Romance is important in any relationship. It makes people feel connected and appreciated by their partner.
However, in long-term relationships, romantic excitement isn't always present all the time. Romance in relationships can ebb and flow depending on how one partner is feeling. If you had a busy day, you might prefer a minute to yourself instead of a candlelit dinner. If a partner is frustrating you, you might not want to engage in romantic activities and pretend that everything is fine.
It's important not to force yourself into being romantic with your partner if you aren't feeling it at a particular time. Additionally, partners shouldn't pressure you to be romantic all the time. Happy couples know that even if the romantic aspect of their relationship isn't present at a particular time, it can always become more prevalent later, when their partner is in the right headspace.
4. "Make time for each other"
Spending time with your partner can be a helpful way to connect, but sometimes people feel they need to rigidly structure their quality time to ensure it happens. For example, if you have a strict schedule for once-a-week date nights, it might not create the connection you're hoping for. Maybe your partner has a big assignment at work they need to finish, but their partner won't let them, so they can stick to their date night schedule.
Partners should respect each other's lives. If they can listen to their significant other and understand why their partner needs time or space, it can make a partner feel more supported because their significant other acknowledges what they need. Pressuring someone to spend time with you might make a date feel more like an obligation.
5. "Always be willing to compromise"
When handling conflict, compromises can help each partner feel satisfied. This makes sure one partner doesn't walk away from an argument feeling angry or unheard.
Happy couples know when to compromise and know when they can't. Sometimes, boundaries are not negotiable. Making compromises on these issues won't lead to a productive outcome, because you will still end up feeling unsatisfied. Compromising on everything isn't always the best way to resolve conflict.
When entering into a relationship, you should let your partner know certain things you are unwilling to compromise on. However, you also have to respect whatever hard boundaries they lay down.
6. "Share all responsibilities equally"
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Unbalanced effort can make a partner feel drained. If one person is putting in all the work, they might become frustrated with their partner.
However, effort doesn't always show up the same in every partner. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. Responsibilities within a couple's home or in a relationship can be shown in different ways.
Trying to force your partner to fulfill a responsibility that they aren't good at can lead to both partners getting frustrated. One person might feel inadequate because they are unable to follow through on certain tasks. The other partner might feel annoyed that their partner isn't doing a good enough job at handling that responsibility.
When partners lean into their strengths rather than trying to force an even division of responsibilities, they achieve a more natural distribution of tasks rather than a strict split.
7. "Always support each other's dreams"
Dreams can be an important motivator. When life feels unfulfilling, dreams can keep us feeling excited about life.
Supporting your partner's dreams can be a helpful way to show them that you care about their happiness. Yet this can become a problem if you feel you are supporting your partner's dreams more than they are supporting yours. It can also create a problem if you put your own dreams on the back burner to make theirs come true.
Happy couples retain their individual passions and don't let their partner sacrifice their desires. They support each other's aspirations while still working towards their own goals.
8. "Treat your partner how you want to be treated"
The golden ruleis one of the first lessons some kids learn about morality. It tells you to make others feel the same love and respect that you would want from them.
This can be helpful for young children learning to be good people, but it can become harmful in adult life. Not everyone treats you with respect. If someone isn't treating you well, you shouldn't have to just accept this and continue treating them with the care they should be showing you.
Relationships can evolve, especially if a couple has been married for decades. Happily married partners let their partners know if they have begun acting less respectfully in the relationship. If their partner continues to act this way, they might become firmer in their opinion than they want their partner to be.
This doesn't mean you need to fight with your partner. Instead, it's more about retaining personal respect within the relationship.
9. "Be aware of everything going on in their lives"
Tracking apps have led to some people feeling required to share their locations with their partners. They feel the need to be aware of every place their partner goes throughout their day.
However, it can be stressful if your partner goes somewhere unfamiliar to you. If you repeatedly ask them about this, they might become frustrated by the fact that you are always watching them. The same thing goes for needing to know everything about your partner's day.
Sometimes, there are things your partner doesn't want to talk about. They shouldn't feel forced to open up about certain things they aren't ready to discuss. Happy couples know that to make relationships work, you have to know when a partner is working through something personally and allow them the privacy to do so.
Lily Bell is a college student studying English and Publications who covers relationships, mental health, and personal narratives surrounding the human experience.
