11 Things People In Bad Marriages Do When They're Alone That They Never Tell Anyone About
Dmytro Zinkevych | ShutterstockConsidering that miserable, bad marriages are often fueled by a fear of loneliness, family obligations, and history, it's not surprising that many couples and partners feel entirely isolated and alone most of the time. They're grappling with a million inner feelings and complex situations, from shame to disconnection, that make it impossible for them to feel like anyone could understand what they're going through.
Even the small things people in bad marriages do when they're alone that they never tell anyone about don't have to be fueled by guilt and shame. So, if that's you, let this be your reminder that you're not a bad person because you're in a bad relationship. Your circumstances don't have to define you. Let them remind you of what you deserve and what needs to be said, instead of stewing in blame, resentment, and guilt forever.
Here are 11 things people in bad marriages do when they're alone that they never tell anyone about
1. Regret past choices and decisions
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock
Even if it felt right at the time, many unhappy people and partners can't help but to feel regret about past choices when they didn't turn out the way they expected. They imagine what it'd be like to go back in time and not marry someone or decide to get into a relationship. They pick someone else in their heads or stay single.
It's a behavior many people do during their alone time, even if they can't admit it. While it might offer immediate gratification through escapism, a study from Frontiers in Psychology found that it only harms life satisfaction and well-being in the long run.
2. Scroll through ex-partners' social media accounts
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock
Even if there's a lot of shame and guilt attached to this lonely behavior, many people in chronically bad, miserable relationships can't help but compare themselves. Whether it's shaming themselves for their appearance on social media or scrolling through exes' pages to see what they're doing, they're constantly entertaining escapist routes to distract from where they are.
They're imagining a different life and trying to figure out if they made the "right" decisions in life, even if they have no power to rewind and change them. It's a self-loathing ritual that only makes them feel worse, which is why it's hard to share and tell people about it when they have the opportunity.
3. Daydream about a different life
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
When we daydream, it's sometimes because we're bored or zoned out. However, it can also be a coping mechanism when we don't feel like we belong wherever we are. We daydream about a different, better life. We imagine how our lives would change if we made a different decision. We try to work through problems by envisioning how they'll play out in the future.
For people in miserable relationships, daydreaming can be their only respite, even if they consistently feel guilty for imagining a different life.
4. Cry
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
Even though crying alone tends to make us feel more lonely and isolated, many partners who feel pressured to maintain a certain image at home or around their partners only have this space to self-soothe. When they're alone, without distractions or a miserable partner around to help them avoid their inner turmoil, it all comes pouring out. In many cases, it's uncontrollable.
As a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology explains, suppressing emotions over and over again doesn't make them go away. It just puts our health at risk and makes it easier to feel emotionally unstable at inconvenient moments. So, if you don't have a safe space to work through issues with a partner, chances are your alone time is the only space you have to soothe what's been left unaddressed and unresolved.
5. Grieve the old versions of themselves
Bits And Splits | Shutterstock
Bad relationships can encourage us to lose ourselves. We start worrying about self-esteem and framing our mood around how good we feel with a partner. We start letting a toxic partner's gaslighting and manipulative tendencies chip away at our self-worth. We lose ourselves when our relationships shatter, especially when our self-worth is wrapped up in how they feel about us.
When a partner in this dynamic is alone, these feelings of confusion and grief come up. They're not only grieving the relationship they imagined or experienced in the past, but a version of themselves they miss.
6. Minimize their pain and question the relationship
Twinsterphoto | Shutterstock
Shame is an incredibly complex emotion that manifests itself in so many different ways, but for people in bad marriages and relationships, it can truly influence their emotional well-being. Especially if it's urging people to minimize their pain and invalidate their worries, they likely feel even more lonely and confused trying to mediate it.
They may worry if this is how everyone feels, and simultaneously invalidate their own fears. They may struggle to ask for help from others, worrying that they'll be ostracized or judged. So, instead, they self-isolate and convince themselves that they're "overreacting" to ignore the pain they're feeling deep inside.
7. Hope their partner won't come home
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock
Many people in bad marriages can't help but cling to alone time and isolation at home, often to avoid the issues they're facing with a partner. If they can avoid quality time, they can avoid the complex feelings and frustrations that come from facing disconnection or betrayal head-on.
While this alone time might offer some fleeting sense of relief and security in a tumultuous relationship at home, a study from Missouri Medicine found that avoidance only creates more anxiety and mental health struggles. You're amplifying the worries you already have by running from them. So, if you're regularly running from quality time with a partner to spending time alone, chances are there are deeper-rooted problems than you realize impacting your happiness and well-being.
8. Replay conversations in their head
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock
While repeating and replaying conversations in your alone time might feel like a healthy mechanism for managing anxiety, experts suggest that these moments of rumination often create a more negative self-image and mental state. You're spotting regrets and shaming yourself for not doing something different, often in ways that add further resentment and frustration to an already miserable relationship.
It's one of the things many people can't help but do, and it's entirely natural in so many ways. However, it's also a point of turmoil and shame for people who aren't sure how to navigate their unhappy marriages. They don't feel safe to speak their thoughts out loud, but they still hold them inside at the expense of their well-being.
9. Debate divorce
ShotPrime Studio | Shutterstock
People in unhappy marriages make all kinds of excuses for staying together, from history and shared experiences to comfort and even a fear of judgment or being alone. However, if a couple is staying together because of their kids, a study from the Journal of Affective Disorders suggests that modeling an unhappy relationship can be more consequential for a child's mental health and future well-being than divorce.
If you find yourself considering what divorce might look like or hiding inner thoughts about separating from a partner, chances are you're at a breaking point. Nothing is changing, you're not having your needs met, and it's time to make the choice. But that doesn't make it any less disorienting or scary.
10. Create narratives
pics five | Shutterstock
Especially for people who feel a lot of shame or guilt in their unhappy, miserable marriages, debating and thinking over narratives can make the idea of divorce a lot easier to handle. Especially at the hands of judgmental relatives and emotional invalidation from a partner, finding something to cling to, like a specific moment or behavior, can give them an escape route to leave.
Instead of being tormented by the decision of divorce, they can lean on this crafted narrative, whether it's misleading or not, as a sense of security to validate their choice to leave.
11. Compare themselves to other people
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock
Whether it's comparing yourself to a partner's past spouses or finding curated social media highlight reels of other relationships to make yourself feel worse about the state of your own, if you're isolating to compare, you're getting nowhere. In fact, comparisons are often entirely unfair and only create more resentment, anxiety, and inner turmoil than they're worth.
No two relationships are the same. So, if you're searching and yearning for clarity about how to navigate your relationship, look inward. Have conversations with people you trust. Talk to your partner about your feelings. Don't compare.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
