Narcissists Pretty Much Can't Stop Themselves From Making These 14 Hurtful Comments To The Person They Claim To Love
ahmetnkececi | shutterstock If you've ever loved a narcissist, you know how tricky they can be. At first, they are compelling and fun to be around. But once you settle in, narcissists can't seem to stop themselves from making hurtful comments, especially to the person they claim to love the most.
At first, they may deny it or try to make you disbelieve what you've seen. According to a study published the journal Behavioral Medicine, narcissistic traits often show up in unsettlingly subtle ways, especially in relationships with close friends and partners. So, if you're noticing these behaviors, trust yourself. You may have a narcissist on your hands.
Narcissists pretty much can't stop themselves from making these 14 hurtful comments to the person they claim to love
1. 'You're overreacting'
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock
According to a study published in Personality and Individual Differences, narcissists are emotional shape-shifters who generally utilize invalidation and manipulative tactics to sabotage other people's emotional well-being to get what they want. By dismissing and invalidating other people's genuine emotions, they flip the script, hoping to confuse others with their own frustration and emotional chaos.
By shifting blame away from themselves, especially in response to their own hurtful language and deceit, with a phrase like this narcissists can manipulate the people they supposedly love for their own gain.
2. 'It's all your fault'
SynthEx | Shutterstock
By making other people believe that their own mistakes and hurtful behaviors are actually your fault, narcissists spark a sense of general confusion in their loved ones' lives. This isn't a coincidence or an accident. Narcissists pretty much can't stop themselves from shirking their responsibility, even if it means being cruel to the person they claim to love.
Often, narcissists use passing phrases like "It's your fault," to avoid taking true accountability and feed into a cycle of toxicity and resentment with their partners, friends, and families. They want these people to feel responsible, likely so they don't ahve to be held accountable.
3. 'You're crazy'
Perfect Wave | Shutterstock
Narcissists are ego-centric, according to a study published by the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, meaning they live in a world of distortion largely influenced by their need for superiority, control, and admiration. Fueled by external validation, they avoid taking the blame for their mistakes, and instead say hurtful comments to keep their loved ones unsteady.
Narcissists often revolve around this mission. They create vague lines between the important and non-important parts of a relationship, and weaponize the emotional needs and love they're supposed to give out unconditionally.
For the person they're manipulating, it's almost like pulling the arm of a slot machine. They never know what will happen when they interact with the narcissist. Will they feel heard and supported or told they're crazy? This is the toll of interacting with a narcissist who can't seem to stop themselves from making hurtful comments.
4. 'It's just a joke'
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
By victimizing themselves, narcissists avoid accountability for their mistakes and hurtful comments, even when they're said under the guise of humor. A hurtful comment, regardless of the tone it's delivered in, should be addressed.
A 2018 study on narcissism argues that in conjunction with tone, there's other body language tactics narcissists rely on to both demean, dismiss, and win back the people in their lives. "Narcissists may maintain distinct, thick, and dense brows to enhance recognition," the researchers argued, something they're all looking to achieve in their relationships.
By noticing small micro-expressions, and more specifically, the expression their eyebrows tell, people can better pick up on a narcissist's manipulative behaviors.
5. 'You're too sensitive'
bbernard | Shutterstock
Making a hurtful comment to someone they claim to love, then blaming them for being too sensitive, is a hallmark move by narcissists. It's part gaslighting, part simple cruelty.
Trauma recovery coach Julie L. Hall argues that narcissists often target the victim of their hurtful comments or actions with a passive-aggressive phrase like "You're too sensitive," in conjunction with closed-off and negative body language. By utilizing their plausible deniability, they shift away from taking accountability by degrading and dismissing other people's true frustrations.
6. 'You made me do this'
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
Another way narcissists avoid taking accountability is by victimizing themselves in the face of threats to their superiority or ego. By attempting to elicit sympathy from others, oftentimes alongside their own abusive behavior, their partners often repress their own concerns and emotions for the sake of keeping the peace and avoiding dismissive encounters.
Hall adds to the narcissist framework, suggesting that they rely on their own unrealistic expectations, lacking empathy, and hypersensitivity to craft their own victimhood, even at the expense of a truly healthy relationship dynamic.
One of the worst, most manipulative phrases used by a narcissist is "you made me do this." First, it's not true in almost any case. Adults make their own choices, and the narcissist is choosing their own path. Second, it's simply more gaslighting designed to unselttle the person the narcissist claims to love.
7. 'Nobody else wants you'
Cast Of Thousands | Shutterstock.com
Especially in romantic relationships, narcissists will actively attack and degrade their partner's emotional well-being, confidence, and self-esteem by suggesting "nobody else wants them." This is a cruel and disgusting lie designed to actively harm their partner.
Feeding into this narrative, narcissists pretty much can't stop themselves from using dismissive tactics, blame-shifting, and self-victimization, even in seemingly innocuous ways. It's all designed to isolate their victim. Research indicates that isolation is one of the primary tools of abuse used against both men and women.
This isolation, at the hands of a narcissist to control, often sparks feelings of hopelessness, desperation, and loneliness in a partner, urging them to feel obligated to protect the sanctity of their current relationship by repressing their own emotions, avoiding conflict, and pleasing people.
8. 'You're the only one that can take care of me'
Fizkes | Shutterstock
Narcissists tend to use weaponized flattery and praise to control their partners and loved ones and win back their affection and commitment. They do this even moments after manipulating, gaslighting, and degrading them.
To keep their partner feeling obligated and responsible for protecting their well-being, they continue to add to their emotional burdens, oftentimes sparking people-pleasing behaviors. They may also say things like this in order to make their partner feel responsible for their loved one's survival. It's cruel, yes, but it's also dishonest.
9. 'Loyalty is a privilege'
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock
According to experts, narcissists generally always expect more than they give in relationships, whether it's emotional support, chores, or even quality time. They feel a sense of entitlement that sparks transactional relationships, urging people to "work for" their kindness, loyalty, and admiration.
This general mindset is what misguidedly justifies their toxic behavior, even to the point of larger deceit like infidelity or dishonesty. This may happen because narcissists' perception of love tends to be different than typical people's, generally more shallow and less mutual.
The truth is, loyalty isn't a privilege. When you commit to somebody in a relationship, loyalty is a base-level expectation. It doesn't have to be earned, but trust does. And narcissists often lose their partner's trust quickly.
10. 'You're the one that's controlling'
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
Narcissists will often shift blame to victimize themselves, especially if they believe they "have something to gain" from hurting their partner and making them feel guilty. This is part of a manipulation tactic called DARVO, commonly used by narcissists.
It's hard to know whether they truly believe they're innately more important and valuable than others, as they seem to operate on a different set of values. But they certainly act like they believe they're the victim, even when they're clearly the perpetrator. This seems to allow them to avoid the inner turmoil and responsibility typically associated with guilt over treating people poorly.
11. 'You're the problem, not me'
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock
Narcissists will often project their own guilt to confuse and invalidate their partners. They believe they're entitled to your time, energy, money, and emotional support, even at your own expense, so when you actively set boundaries, they take it as an "aggression" against themselves.
Therapist Sherry Gaba explains that, when a narcissist is feeling dysregulation or discomfort, they'll turn to their partner first, often blaming them by default. "Whether that means painting them out as the victim in conflict, starting petty arguments, or shaming them, they’d prefer to project their discomfort, rather than deal with it directly," she writes.
This is not just what fuels their tendency to project hurtful feelings and misguided labels upon you, it also sparks their victim narrative, as they feel like every boundary you set or action you say "no" to is a direct attack upon them. That's why, when you start noticing this pattern, it's important to seek support for a reality check.
12. 'Everyone else thinks I'm right'
NDAB Creativity | Shutterstock
To spark doubt in their relationships, many narcissists will bring other people into a conflict or conversation to further support their superiority and control over the narrative. Manipulating their partner's perception of reality, they shift blame. They may even start to believe they're the victims as they try to convince others of this fact.
This puts their partners into an inherently defensive state that be incredibly emotionally exhausting. They often fall into a cycle of voicing their repressed concerns, only to end up more confused taking the blame for the same actions.
13. 'I can never do anything right for you'
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock
Deflecting and projecting their own abusive behaviors onto their partners, using phrases like "I can never do anything right to you" is another way narcissists can manipulate others into thinking they're the perpetrator of their own mistreatment.
While a study published in Psychological Bulletin argues that narcissism slowly declines as we age, partners in these abusive and toxic relationships should not wait for a true narcissist to change. Instead, they should focus on and prioritize people that make space for their concerns and don't immediately deflect any conflict with their misguided victimhood now.
Narcissists' cruel behaviors only feed into our own identities and general emotional health over time, rarely (if ever) getting better. This can affect an otherwise healthy person's coping and communication skills, even after they remove themselves and start a new relationship.
14. 'No wonder nobody likes you'
Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock
By isolating their partners, degrading their personality and individual identity, narcissists can slowly assert their control and dominance over a relationship. The more isolated, fatigued, and depressed their partner is, the easier they are to manipulate and project onto.
Not only is this incredibly toxic for a relationship, it leaves long-term consequences on their partners general well-being, self-esteem, and emotional health.
Finally, this one is just cruel. It may seem like the narcissist cannot control themselves or stop these outbursts when stressed, but that's incorrect. it's calculated cruelty designed to degrade, isolate and disempower their victims. If this is happening to you, please consider reach out for support or help. You deserve better and support is available.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
