3 Rare Mindsets Of People Who Don’t Obsess Over What Others Think About Them, According To Psychologist
Dean Drobot | CanvaYou do it. I definitely do it. You hang out in other people’s heads, trying to figure out what they’re thinking about you, and end up obsessed with what people think of you. You're trying to create safety for yourself, but a study suggested you're actually doing just the opposite.
On a first date, you probably spend more time wondering what the other person thinks about you than what you think about them. With a good friend, you wonder if they think you're being self-centered because you've been talking about your exciting new job for 15 minutes. Checking out at the grocery store, you spend the whole time wondering whether the cashier is judging your dessert-to-vegetable ratio.
Why do you spend so much time being obsessed with what people think of you? The short answer: It makes you feel more in control. I don’t know about you, but I’m a people pleaser. I want everyone to approve of me, and that makes life feel safe. According to my brain, if I know what others are thinking about me, I’ll be able to adjust myself to be more appealing to them.
I spent a lot of time in other people’s heads trying to figure out what they think is "good" and what they think is "bad." This information allowed me to show them only the parts of me they would approve of and hide the parts they wouldn’t (or at least be clear that I don’t approve of those parts either).
If I knew what they were thinking, I felt like I had more control over whether they accepted or rejected me. At some point in early adulthood, I realized this was not working as well as I thought it was. I felt safer in the moment, but in the big picture, I had no solid ground under my feet. My acceptability was always in someone else’s hands. Or heads, as it were.
Research showed there's considerable danger in spending too much time in other people’s heads. You start to care more about what others think about you than what you think about yourself. That’s how you lose yourself.
Here are three rare mindsets of people who don’t obsess over what others think about them:
1. People who don’t obsess over what others think don't try to mind-read
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
This simple-sounding step takes intentional focus and practice. Start by noticing how often you hang out in other people’s heads. Notice when you’re wondering what someone else is thinking. Notice when you’re worried about what they think of you.
Once you catch yourself in someone else’s head, bring your attention back to your side of the fence. Research has suggested that’s where the actual helpful information is. Remind yourself that what they think is not relevant to who you are. Be ready, you will have to do this step over and over and over.
2. They stay in their own lane
Media_Photos via Shutterstock
Don’t skimp on this. Regularly spend some time alone, without anything hijacking your attention (e.g., no TV, social media, or podcasts). There are a million ways to do it. You could meditate, sit and look out the window, go for a walk, doodle, stretch, do some light housework, or journal, as a start.
Studies have shown how spending time with yourself and observing your own thoughts, feelings, and patterns helps you get familiar with yourself. When you know yourself well, you don’t feel compelled to look to anyone else to tell you who you are.
3. People who don’t obsess over what others think prepare themselves, not their image
Chay_Tee via Shutterstock
Before spending time with someone else (whether via text, phone call, video chat, social media, or in-person), prepare to stay in your own head. Research has supported the practice of knowing you are the authority on yourself. Remind yourself that nothing about you is up for question or opinion. Remember, your power comes from staying on your side of the fence.
When you’re with others, look at them through your eyes. Don’t look at yourself through their eyes. Ask yourself what you want to get out of this interaction and what you can do to impact it. Keep asking yourself what you think of what the other person is saying or doing. Stay grounded in yourself, not the other person.
Just three steps to staying out of other people’s heads. It’s a hard habit to break, but the benefits are well worth the effort. Staying in your own head gives you the safety and power you've been looking for.
Suzanne Manser, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist with a private practice in Portland, OR. To read more of her thoughts on living with self-acceptance, meaning, and ease.
