11 Sad Signs Someone Is Actually A Loser Now
SB Arts Media | Shutterstock The world doesn't owe anyone any favors. Everyone is in charge of their own life, at least to some degree, and while this may sound harsh, getting stuck in this losing mentality is the reason people become losers. Fortunately, they can turn that loser mentality around.
Being a loser isn't something that's written in stone, but it takes the realization that they're the one keeping themselves there. So, let's get real. If the list below hits a little too close to home, you may know someone who's not winning at life right now.
11 sad signs someone may be a loser now (but can hopefully turn it around):
They're super harsh when judging others
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Being a habitual harsh critic often makes people feel like less of a loser, but only for a short time. They're quick to point out other people's imperfections, yet they never look inward to assess their own shortcomings.
They find fault with everything, but they're not self-aware enough to realize that their harshness sends a clear message to the rest of the world.
According to psychologist Nick Wignall, being overly critical is "an unconscious defense mechanism aimed at alleviating our insecurities."
He explains that, "While being critical might temporarily make you feel good about yourself, it usually makes you feel worse about yourself in the long term. Criticism of others is a waste of time and energy because it's all time and energy that's not getting invested in improving yourself and the world around you."
Mental health counselor William Berry shares that our judgments of others can help us understand ourselves better. He says judging others is an evolutionary skill, but in our day-and-age should be used carefully.
How to turn it around: Start deconstructing your judgments by asking yourself if your opinion about that other person is actually relevant to your life or anyone else's. Is what they're doing hurting anyone else? Is it possible they're happy how they are? And, finally, what about what you're judging hits a little too close to home for you?
2. They feel like the world is extra hard on them
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A person will be a loser in life if they uphold a victim mentality, which is vastly different from someone being an actual victim. As Dr. Josh Gressel notes, there are very real ways in which people can be discriminated against, harmed and victimized, but victim mentality is a thought process that keeps people stuck in a state of helplessness.
If you feel like the world is extra hard on you, as an individual, and like nobody can relate to how unlucky you are, it's likely you're stuck in a loser mindset. You've cast yourself as this person who loses everything, and as a result, people probably get bad vibes from you and you miss out on things like jobs, friendships and even romantic partners.
How to turn it around: One of the best ways to reprogram your loser behaviors is to start building a gratitude practice into your daily life. Yes, it may sound corny at first, but it's actually backed by neuroscience.
Start each day by listing three things you're looking forward to, and end each day by listing three things you appreciated or felt good about that day. This will take you two minutes, but it helps rewire your thinking away from that loser attitude and into one of gratitude, which other people find incredibly attractive.
3. They'd rather be stubborn that change for the better
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Being inflexible and resistant to change keeps a person stuck in patterns of behavior that don't actually serve them. They're so stuck in their ways, they can't see that adapting to life's inevitable changes will make them a better version of themselves.
This is often how loser-ness begins for adults. You may believe that your way is the best way or you're afraid that if something changes, everything will fall apart. Rest assure that this fear is natural, and we've all been there at times.
The big problem arises when you habitually refuse to challenge that fearful way of thinking. Then you're perpetually stuck in loser mindset and too afraid of change to fix it.
How to turn it around: One suggestion from the experts at the NHS in the United Kingdom is to think about all the things that you can change or control and start small.
"Could you create a new routine that might work better for you?" they ask, then suggest you mix one one or two small things in your routine. Maybe you walk a slightly different route to work or text a different friend just to say hi or share a video.
Try to stay in the moment the best you can, focusing on today and celebrate the little things you've changed, reflecting on how it felt to do things differently. And remember, being a loser is a mindset, so why not change it?
4. Losers avoid anything even remotely uncomfortable or challenging
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One of the behaviors that indicate a person will be a loser in life is avoiding hard work just because it's difficult. This is one of the saddest traits of those stuck in loser mentality, because it can keep you seriously stuck.
Living a good life takes effort and commitment and pretty much nobody who is happy or successful makes that happen by avoiding challenging or uncomfortable situations. Think about it: if someone is always seeking shortcuts or trying to find the easy way out, they'll never win in any meaningful way.
According to UW School of Medicine and Public Health, about 70% of people "experience positive psychological growth from difficult times, such as a deeper sense of self and purpose, a greater appreciation for life and loved ones, and an increased capacity for altruism, empathy and desire to act for the greater good."
But you can only reap those benefits if you're willing to shift out of loser mentality when those challenges arise.
How to turn it around: Pause for a moment and think of all of the ways you hold yourself back in order to avoid discomfort.
Do you stay in relationships that don't actually fulfill you because it seems easier than being alone? Have you stayed in a loser job because you're terrified of the discomfort of resigning or interviewing for a new job? Do you put up with loser friends because it would be too scary to go out and talk to more people?
Once you get real about these things, start imagining an alternative that isn't wildly risky, but realistically do-able, and remind yourself that you deserve better than feeling like a loser forever.
5. They seem blind to their own mistakes
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Someone who is stuck in a loser phase of life never admits when they're wrong. Worse, they think they would admit it, if they were ever wrong. Which they're not. They dig their heels in and double down on their position, which makes it virtually impossible to reason with them or find some form of compromise.
The reason it's so appealing to dig in like this and stay blind to your blindspots is that it makes you feel less like a loser. If you admitted that you're wrong or that you made a serious mistake, you'd have to face the truth (or what you think is the truth) and your feelings of loser-ness would get worse.
How to turn it around: Work on shifting from your loser mindset to a growth mindset, where making mistakes is part of the ladder one must climb to be successful.
Treat yourself kindly and reward yourself for your hard work rather than focusing on where things didn't go as you planned. Make a list of ways your mistakes and bad choices have helped you grow or taught you lessons.
As an added bonus you'll learn to be kinder and gentler to others, too. And making new friends will definitely help with that feeling of being a loser.
6. They feel entitled to better luck and less struggle than others
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People who are losers often get angry and resentful because they think they're uniquely unlucky when something bad happens. They feel like they don't deserve to struggle, and they get so caught up in how unfair it is that something went wrong that they don't notice how many other people also have bad luck and major struggles. Many of those people have it even worse.
But losers can't see the hard times go through. If you realte to this, it's likely you're too stuck in loser mindset to see ways in which they're winning. Right now, you might even be thinking, No, I know people have it hard! But my luck actually IS worse than I deserve.
See? You're doing it again! This keeps you stuck in loser mentality and repels people you'd probably like to have in your life.
How to turn it around: Get real with yourself! Take a short break to look around at others and get honest. Are they really more lucky than you? If not, do they deserve to struggle in ways that you don't? How do you know?
Do some empathy exercises to flex your "big picture" muscles. Check out what Dr. Martha Beck, Oprah's favorite life coach suggests, or try some of these:
Go sit in a busy food court in the mall or anywhere else that is full of people you don't know, and just observe how you think other people there might feel in their various situations.
For exmaple, the mom with two toddlers who is struggling to take a bite of her food. The older man with a walker trying to carry his luggage, maybe. What about the person who is dressed in dirty clothes who is being side-eyed or even harassed by security. How might they feel?
Once you start practicing empathy, you'll grow yours more and more, and that's key to turning around your loser status.
7. They flake out and cancel plans
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A person who has no sense of follow-through will probably feel like a loser in life because they'll never reach their full potential and struggle to keep friends for long. That's because they start things but never finish them.
When you do these things, you know at your core that you are unreliable, but you may not realize how hard it makes it for others to feel close to you. They simply cannot rely on your like they can with others. After a while, they stop making plans or accepting invites with you because they don't want to be disappointed.
How to turn it around: Start by admitting the problem. When have you flaked out or not shown up when you said you would? What motivated it and how did you feel after?
Then figure out how to practice showing up for the people you've let down. It probably involves admitting you've been stuck in a loser mentality and that it made you act selfishly. Then apologize and do better.
It might take time, but this can help you break a really bad pattern.
8. They ignore their health or hygiene (or both)
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A person who ignores their health and puts their needs on the back burner is inadvertently creating a real loser cycle. They push people away with their misery and sometimes even their odor or unappealing appearance, then assume they are just a loser nobody likes.
In truth, people probably would like to be around you if you felt better about yourself, and that starts by taking care of your health and hygiene. And, yes, that means your emotional health, too. If you struggle to get yourself into the shower or to brush your teeth, you might even be depressed, as lack of hygiene is a big sign of mental health struggles.
How to turn it around: This isn't about getting a mani/pedi (though that works, if you like it). According to licensed counselor Clare Waismann, the true end-goal of self-care is "about fostering a harmonious relationship with ourselves, both physically and mentally, so that we can navigate life's challenges with resilience, embrace joy, and savor the richness of our experiences."
"Self-care isn't just a routine," she concluded. "It's a commitment to our well-being, a journey towards a fulfilling and balanced life."
9. They make excuses instead of taking accountability
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Few habits will turn you into a loser faster than making excuses when you should be taking responsibility.
For example, if you don't get your work done, you have a long list of reasons why it wasn't your fault. If you hurt another person's feelings, you'll blame everything else but your own careless behavior. And of course you won't apologize when you're stuck in loser mentality.
Research published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology found that giving excuses frequently undermines the person's accountability, making them appear untruthful and self-centered.
How to turn it around: Try the exercises mentioned earlier in this list, indentifying areas where you. may have failed to take accountaibility. But, also, list the painful things that might happen if you stay in this loser mode. Which bad things in life might get worse? Who might turn away from you?
Then, tell yourself that you expect more. More from yourself and from your life. Holding yourself to a higher standard can change everything for you.
10. They truly believe other people are the problem
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Losers blame other people for things that they don't like about their own lives. They don't see the connection between their poor behavior and their own unhappiness, which only makes them less happy. They don't recognize that there will always be consequences for their actions, so they shift blame to avoid feeling the discomfort of being wrong.
According to psychology expert Arash Emamzadeh, shifting blame is an unconscious defense mechanism that involves "attributing one's shortcomings, mistakes, and misfortunes to others in order to protect one's ego."
"Blaming others appears to reduce a person's own negative emotions," Emamzadeh shares. "This may explain why poor emotion regulators prefer to point fingers at others rather than hold themselves responsible."
How to turn it around: First, recognize your pattern and get real with yourself. If you want to stop being a loser, you have to look at your life and get real. Identify one or two instances where you were the problem in a situation.
Don't worry, we all have examples of times we were the problem! The difference between people stuck in loser mentality and those who are happy and successful is the successful person's willingness to see when they were the problem (or at least part of the problem). So start flexing that metaphorical muscle. It's the first and most important step for getting out of loser mode.
11. They're inauthentic, sometimes without even realizing
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Putting on a fake persona indicates that someone is stuck in loser mode. They're so scared of rejection, they pretend to be someone else until they no longer know who they really are. The worst part is they often don't realize they're doing it.
Listen, we all have to "fake it to make it" from time-to-time. Playing nice with your in-laws may be inauthentic, but in the best interest of you and your entire family, for example. Most of the time, it's also the emotionally mature thing to do. Dr. Clifford Lazarus says, it can be very powerful in behavioral health treatment, too, as long as it doesn't become exploitative.
But if you sometimes feel like a chameleon, adapting to every person or situation in order to fit in, you're likely going to be labeled as a loser. Your lack of confidence is shining through in these situations and, worse, your inauthenticity reads as untrustworthy and generally "bad vibes" to the people you probably wish you could win over.
How to turn it around: As the old saying goes, sometimes its easier to act your way into thinking differently than to act your way into thinking differently. In this situation, find people with whom you can be truly authentic, and spend more time with them. When you're there, observe yourself and take notes of what feels very real and true to who you are.
Then test out being confident and authentic, acting as if this is how genyuine you always are. Give people the benefit of the doubt that they can be trusted with a more authentic version of yourself, and they just might surprise you by finally seeing you as someone other than a loser.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
