Some Friendships Don’t Explode — They Just Slowly Wear You Down In These 5 Almost-Invisible Ways
Mert Coşkun | PexelsSometimes life happens, and you need your best friend. However, some friends turn toxic and slowly wear you down over time in almost invisible ways. Research has helped explain how needy friends are the type of people who are known for being clingy and exhibiting needy behavior like needing money, favors, help, coddling, praise, and more time and attention from you.
A clingy friend's approach to friendship is demanding and draining to your mental health, because you might not be willing or able to give your time and attention. They could also be excessively texting you, and you ignore it because it's too much to handle. There comes a point where you realize the friendship won't explode, so you have to end it.
Some friendships don’t explode, they just slowly wear you down in these five almost-invisible ways:
1. You struggle to set boundaries
You need to let your friend know you're not free every minute of every day to be at their beck and call. You have a life, too, and you will make time for them when you are free. But if you aren't, they need to respect and appreciate the time you give to them.
It's good to learn how to say no once in a while because saying yes too much to your needy friends could cause habits to start forming, and that's something that you can get trapped in if it were to happen.
"We believe that we don't have to call them on every violation as long as they make an effort," suggested psychologist Guy Winch, Ph.D. "Wrong. Consistency is crucial. Allowing a violation to go unchallenged conveys that the behavior you flagged only bothers you sometimes, which drastically reduces the urgency your initial boundary-setting conversation conveyed."
2. You feel guilty for not hanging out with them
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You have to tend to your own needs first. No matter how much you might care for and love your needy friends, you might want to and need to hang out with other people or just be alone, and they cannot get mad at you for that, especially if they realize and know they have been needing you a lot recently. You don't need to feel guilty because their problems are not yours, so don't stress yourself out over something that doesn't (or shouldn't) directly affect you.
Life coach Kelly Rudolph pointed out, "When you invest your energy in offering help to a friend who doesn't truly want or need to accept it, all that remains for yourself is frustration and chaos. If your friend becomes interested in true growth and joins you in the quest to meet your higher needs, awesome! But don’t hold your breath. You may need to love her from afar for a while. Or even forever."
3. You find yourself gravitating toward different people
By doing this, you'll be able to learn that spending time with other, less demanding friends might be better for you and that your needy friend can get used to not being with you all the time. You can also tell your needy friends that you're hanging out with other friends, and hopefully, that encourages them to make their own friends as well. If you need to, let your friend know you're busy so you can remind her you have a busy life and you can't be there for her all the time.
"Shared purpose or passion helps sustain longevity in both friendship and love, advised career consultant Ruth Schimel, Ph.D. "A connection that motivates growth or inspiration for productive, engaging action has the potential for sustaining the relationship ─ as long as there's a mutual benefit rather than a one-way street."
4. You find yourself needing space
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When your needy friends become too much of a full-time job, then you have to think about your mental health and take a relationship sabbatical. You should never feel like you're obligated to answer all of their calls, texts, or emails. The same goes for feeling like you need to respond immediately to their messages.
If something is truly urgent, they will leave a message or call another friend or family member. When you finally do respond, tell them you were busy and you didn't have any free time. While you are away from them, use this time to keep yourself busy and do something productive and engaging.
5. You start putting distance between you
Some friends can be needy because they are going through a hard time, or they don't know what they're doing with their life, or they just have tough times in relationships in general. If you have needy friends and feel like you are acting as their therapist, then that's a red flag.
Ending a friendship is never easy, especially if you've been friends for years. But sometimes friends drift apart, and people change in good and bad ways. Should you stay friends with a needy person? Spending time thinking about your current situation with a needy friend can help you gain clarity on whether or not you should be friends with them anymore.
Needy friends can change for the good or just fall deeper into a more serious spiral, pulling you down with them — and in that case, you would be dealing with a toxic friend. Go through this list and ask yourself if this is how your needy friends are, and if you should save or end the friendship. Whatever the case is, do what's right for your own mental health and know that needy friends don't have to bring you down with them.
Save a friendship with a needy friend if:
- They can show you they can handle themselves and their situation without you being there for them 24/7.
- With time, they recognize that they are behaving in a toxic manner and apologize to you.
- They can show you that they are trying to learn to be less needy and won't try to manipulate you emotionally.
End a friendship with a needy friend if:
- They use your guilt to their advantage and make you feel ashamed and upset for not answering them.
- They become too toxic and bog you down with emotional stress and trauma.
- They make you feel like you need them and that they need you to make them feel worthy.
Megan Hatch is a writer at YourTango who covers pop culture, love and relationships, and self-care.
