11 Specific Phrases Manipulators Use To Try To Make You Feel Small

It's not always easy to spot a manipulator at first. As most people know, manipulators are extremely charming and use sly tactics to weave their way into your life. Once they're firmly planted, it can be difficult to separate their facts from your reality.

That being said, there are specific phrases manipulators tend to use to make people feel small. While you may not notice it at first, manipulators often have trouble keeping up the charade for long. So long as they slip up and utter these specific phrases, it'll become easier to protect yourself and your self-esteem from their manipulative ways.

Here are 11 specific phrases manipulators use to try to make you feel small

1. 'You're too sensitive'

woman yelling at man you're too sensitive as man looks done on couch PeopleImages | Shutterstock

Manipulators know no bounds. Entirely self-centered and greedy, many will do or say anything to get their way. This is why a specific phrase manipulators use is, "You're too sensitive." On the surface, it may sound like valid criticism. Saying it in an exaggerated voice makes it easy to feel small.

However, no matter how frustrated or overwhelmed someone is, undermining any person's emotions is never the answer. Not only does it make someone feel invalidated, but according to assistant clinical professor Jason Shimiaie, M.D., it can completely destroy the relationship. Blank explained, "While disagreement is a normal, even healthy, part of social interaction, invalidation can chip away at our sense of self-worth and emotional safety."

So, if someone ever says this phrase to you, don't be afraid to call it out. Whether they care or not, you deserve to stand up for yourself and your experiences.

2. 'Gosh, I was just joking'

friends talking seriously by window as one friend with blonde hair says gosh i was just joking Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock

Everyone likes a good joke. Whether it's at a family event or having dinner with your partner, a joke done in good taste can bring people together. On the flip side, manipulators often use the phrase, "Gosh, I was just joking," to deflect from their cruelty. Playing the victim, they'll do their best to make the other person feel crazy, as the manipulator in question acts fake-offended.

This is why it's crucial for you to stand your ground. In a group full of people or by yourself, never allow someone to disrespect you. While it may be hard, allowing disrespect only breeds more disrespect in the relationship.

3. 'You always do this'

woman crossing arm as man tells her you always do this simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock

After dealing with a manipulator for a few years, it's normal to react strongly or defensively. Since manipulators will always make themselves out to be the victim, they tend to find ways to make you feel guilty and worse about yourself. This is why a go-to phrase for a manipulator is oftentimes, "You always do this."

It isn't really your fault. As much as they try to convince you it is, your feelings and opinions are valid. However, rather than listen to them, manipulators will always find a way to flip the table. As psychiatrist Abigail Brenner, M.D., explained, "It’s not that manipulative people don’t understand responsibility is. They do; a manipulative person just sees nothing wrong with refusing to take responsibility for their actions, even while making you take responsibility for yours."

4. 'No one else has a problem with me'

man in white shirt shrugging shoulders as he says no one else has a problem with me Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock

If there's one thing manipulators are great at, it's making you feel stupid. It doesn't matter how many valid points you make. In their eyes, if they aren't winning, their ego can't take it. This is why many manipulators resort to gaslighting when all else fails. Looking you in the eyes, a specific phrase manipulators use is, "No one else has a problem with me."

If they can convince you that you're the problem, then in their mind, that means they have moral superiority over you. This is why many of them point out how 'unproblematic' they are to other people. As bad as it sounds, they use it as a tool to convince you that if they don't have an issue with anyone else, then you must truly be the problem.

5. 'You're overthinking it'

friend in denim dress telling other friend you're overthinking it New Africa | Shutterstock

Let's be honest, everyone overthinks from time to time. Whether it's overthinking a problem at work or overthinking a relationship, thinking in general is just another aspect of life. That being said, just because someone is giving something a considerable amount of thought doesn't mean they're always 'overthinking things' in a negative way.

Especially if they notice red-flag behavior, mulling over something can be their brain's way of protecting them. This is crucial, as licensed clinical psychologist Jennifer L Sweeton, Psy.D., said, an example of how gaslighting impacts you is, "You notice your self-esteem plummeting, and you start to feel depressed and self-critical."

However, if a manipulator doesn't want you to heal and protect yourself by putting proper boundaries, they may utter the phrase, "You're overthinking it," to prevent you from coming to this conclusion in the first place.

6. 'If you really cared, you would...'

couple arguing on bed as woman in yellow says if you really cared you would Mladen Mitrinovic | Shutterstock

Everyone has their own boundaries. From avoiding physical contact to refusing to reveal too much at the start of a relationship, these boundaries are meant to protect you. However, if there's one thing a manipulator can't stand more than anything, it's someone with boundaries.

Viewing it as an obstacle to getting what they want, a specific phrase manipulators use to make you feel small is, "If you really cared, you would..." It doesn't matter how someone feels about a person's actions. While they have the right to voice their hurt, they don't have the right to threaten or guilt-trip anyone into doing anything they're uncomfortable with.

So, if you hear someone utter this phrase casually, don't walk, run! This person is most likely a manipulator.

7. 'That's not what happened'

couple arguing in therapy as woman in white shirt says that's not what happened Zamrznuti tonovi | Shutterstock

There's never a one-way version of the truth. As much as people are convinced in their own version of the truth, different perspectives change things drastically. However, manipulators aren't interested in keeping an open mind or changing their perspective.

According to a study published in the Journal of Clinical and Experimental Neuropsychology, while highly intelligent people are open, in the case of manipulators, they're too convinced in their own self-righteousness to stray from their own perspective. This is why a specific phrase they often use is, "That's not what happened."

8. 'You're lucky I put up with you'

friends arguing with one another as woman says you're lucky i put up with you Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock

It doesn't matter how perfect someone may appear on the outside. As much as everyone tries their best to be better, we all have flaws at the end of the day. Whether it's being 'too reactive' or not very emotional, we put up with one another's flaws because we truly love and adore each other.

However, manipulators don't view it that way. Seeing themselves as chronic victims, they can never acknowledge when they're in the wrong. Viewing others as faulty, a phrase manipulators use to make you feel small, is, "You're lucky I put up with you."

9. 'Calm down'

man in black coat telling woman to calm down outside Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock

Now, uttering this phrase isn't always said in bad conscience. While it's very unhelpful, some people utter this phrase because they don't know how else to calm their loved one's emotions down. Yet, while we may give some people the benefit of the doubt, there's no denying that telling someone to 'calm down' is another phrase manipulators use.

They don't care to make you feel comfortable or understood. Wanting to protect their image, they tell you to calm down to save face and to make you feel small. However, even if they claim that they're 'just trying to help,' they should think again. As developmental psychologist Dona Matthews, Ph.D., said, "Even 'bad' emotions—anger, envy, hopelessness, sadness—are honest and real." This is why it's important to never belittle them.

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10. 'That's just how I am'

man in blue shirt on phone as he shrugs and says that's just how i am Stokkete | Shutterstock

We're all naturally born with different temperaments. While some are calm and collected, others tend to fly off the rails with little provocation. However, while things like temperament and personality are often set in stone by adulthood, this doesn't mean that unhealthy behavior needs to be.

Whether it's someone who screams when they're upset or places blame easily, unhealthy behaviors can be changed with a little bit of professional help. Yet manipulators who don't see an error in their ways will always say, "That's just how I am," to make you feel ridiculous and small.

11. 'You're making a big deal out of nothing'

couple arguing on bus as man tells woman you're making a big deal out of nothing Drazen Zigic | Shutterstock

Finally, the last phrase manipulators tend to say is, "You're making a big deal out of nothing." People rarely make a big deal out of nothing. While it may be viewed that way by a manipulator, the average person can acknowledge that their emotions, no matter how intense, deserve to be acknowledged.

Yet, it's this exact reason why manipulators try to shut down your emotions. Viewing them as a hindrance and annoyance, they don't care how hurtful this phrase truly is. So long as they 'win' in the end, they'll convince you that you're crazy until they're blue in the face. As psychotherapist Dan Mager, MSW, LCSW , said, "Gaslighters are primarily motivated by avoidance of accountability and the desire to control others."

So, if they feel like they can't control or spin the narrative, their next best bet is making you feel like you're crazy.

Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.